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I just came back from spending the evening with my son and his firstmom (from here on I will use amom and bmom just to clarify!). We have an open adoption...a very open adoption. I have run the gamut of emotions but to make a long story short I struggled with a lot of guilt because I think I knew in my mind that bmom was strong-armed into the adoption by her (well-meaning) parents. She is young and also has struggled with a host of emotional issues (very serious ones requiring hospitalization well before her pregnancy). Her parents felt that she was unable to parent and convinced her of the fact. They may be right or maybe not, I don't know. But what I have learned from this board is that was her decision and hers alone to make. I feel it is possible she may have come to the decision on her own if allowed, but the fact that she was coerced means that she will have an even more difficult time dealing with the adoption over time.
This is where these boards have been invaluable. I have been able to anticipate some of the feelings she may be having because I have read posts from so many of you in similar situations (not the mental illness, but the coersion).
Tonight we talked at great length about sooo many things, like when people ask if if she's going to "steal the baby back." I mentioned that I had read that a bmom said she felt a bit of peace when she realized she relinquished her parental rights, not her baby. mY son's mom liked that quote a lot.
I was even able to understand her feelings about some of the "little" things...like why she hates the movie Juno even though she hasn't seen it. If I hadn't read these boards I might have thought that she would relate to that movie and like it.
I feel like all of you have given me special insight into what my son's mom is going through. Without you all, I seriously think I wouls have stressed out when she told me her parents forced her to choose adoption. but because of you, I already knew it and felt relieved that she is ready to begin to face this issue in her life.
I told her I know that I can't fix it for her. And I can't take on her grief. but I will always honor our agreements and that I hope one day I am an old lady sitting on the porch waiting for her and my son to come back from some wild adventure that I am too old for but that they can enjoy together.
She told me if he ever threatens to move in with her, she'll let him know that she has the same rules I do and that we will be a united front in loving him.
There is an old saying that there is no love like a mother's love and I realized today that my son has 2 moms who would lay down our lives for him.
On one hand, I have come to realize the magnitude of her grief. But I have also realized that despite her grief and the less than ideal circumstances leading to the adoption I am not responsible for those circumstances. The best way I can honor her is by being the best possible mom to this little guy.
I really can't thank you all enough for the gifts you have given me, and I wish you all the best as you continue in your journies.
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"Death By Adoption" by Joss Shawyer
A quote from the author of the book has recently been discussed on the net.. Its easy to find so I wont do a link as it links to Google groups..
What was quoted is this..
It would be more bearable if the child really did die, for then she could grieve and so recover from the death.
portlowski thank you for giving me some good thoughts on this this morning.. I have tried to write more on this but I can not.. and I may in the future.. but right now.. I just want to thank you..
Jackie
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It is intertesting that you posted that quote because that's what my son's mom said to me last night. That on some level emotionally she could have dealt with a death more easily. That statement took be aback at first, but as I said before, having read the posting sof moms on this site I was more readily able to process and understand her statement. She went on to say of course she is happy he is alive and that if anything happened to him it would devastate her.
One thing that I found interesting (new topic!) is that she said the adoption agency never pressured her into adoption and they made her look at what parenting would look like, that they had her make a plan including a budget, looking for an apartment, figuring out child care and work etc but that her parents were the ones who did not see it as an option. I love her parents and I know they thought they were working in her best interests but with what I know now I can see the storm on the horizon. She is close to her parents now but that may change in the future.
I think it's great that you understand the difficulties that she has today, and may continue to have in the future, are not of your making. You don't have to "participate" or feel guilty about her grief to be a friend. In fact, I think you are a better support by not taking her emotions on to yourself.
I am always touched when I read stories about parents developing a relationship with a birthmom because they honestly care about them as a person. I am finding it hard to express the words I'm trying to say. Just know your *note* made me feel happy.
Portlowski
Its a hard grief.. but grieve we must..
I went through a period of hating my parents.. I finally learned that they are human and mistakes and decisions are sometimes not seen.. that we are acting in a way that is good for everyone but just do not see it.
I do my best to keep my kids close to me even if I do not agree with them.. there was a thread on anger here yesterday and I wrote that I do not do anger.. with my kids..
Anger and resentments to me is wishing something that happened away.. or wishing it did not happen.. A futile endeavor..
Working in the now.. Working in the right now.. is safe for me..
Jackie
It is intertesting that you posted that quote because that's what my son's mom said to me last night. That on some level emotionally she could have dealt with a death more easily. That statement took be aback at first, but as I said before, having read the posting sof moms on this site I was more readily able to process and understand her statement. She went on to say of course she is happy he is alive and that if anything happened to him it would devastate her.
One thing that I found interesting (new topic!) is that she said the adoption agency never pressured her into adoption and they made her look at what parenting would look like, that they had her make a plan including a budget, looking for an apartment, figuring out child care and work etc but that her parents were the ones who did not see it as an option. I love her parents and I know they thought they were working in her best interests but with what I know now I can see the storm on the horizon. She is close to her parents now but that may change in the future.
Jackiejdajda
"Death By Adoption" by Joss Shawyer
A quote from the author of the book has recently been discussed on the net.. Its easy to find so I wont do a link as it links to Google groups..
What was quoted is this..
It would be more bearable if the child really did die, for then she could grieve and so recover from the death.
portlowski thank you for giving me some good thoughts on this this morning.. I have tried to write more on this but I can not.. and I may in the future.. but right now.. I just want to thank you..
Jackie
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portlowski
I just came back from spending the evening with my son and his firstmom (from here on I will use amom and bmom just to clarify!). We have an open adoption...a very open adoption. I have run the gamut of emotions but to make a long story short I struggled with a lot of guilt because I think I knew in my mind that bmom was strong-armed into the adoption by her (well-meaning) parents. She is young and also has struggled with a host of emotional issues (very serious ones requiring hospitalization well before her pregnancy). Her parents felt that she was unable to parent and convinced her of the fact. They may be right or maybe not, I don't know. But what I have learned from this board is that was her decision and hers alone to make. I feel it is possible she may have come to the decision on her own if allowed, but the fact that she was coerced means that she will have an even more difficult time dealing with the adoption over time.
This is where these boards have been invaluable. I have been able to anticipate some of the feelings she may be having because I have read posts from so many of you in similar situations (not the mental illness, but the coersion).
Tonight we talked at great length about sooo many things, like when people ask if if she's going to "steal the baby back." I mentioned that I had read that a bmom said she felt a bit of peace when she realized she relinquished her parental rights, not her baby. mY son's mom liked that quote a lot.
I was even able to understand her feelings about some of the "little" things...like why she hates the movie Juno even though she hasn't seen it. If I hadn't read these boards I might have thought that she would relate to that movie and like it.
I feel like all of you have given me special insight into what my son's mom is going through. Without you all, I seriously think I wouls have stressed out when she told me her parents forced her to choose adoption. but because of you, I already knew it and felt relieved that she is ready to begin to face this issue in her life.
I told her I know that I can't fix it for her. And I can't take on her grief. but I will always honor our agreements and that I hope one day I am an old lady sitting on the porch waiting for her and my son to come back from some wild adventure that I am too old for but that they can enjoy together.
She told me if he ever threatens to move in with her, she'll let him know that she has the same rules I do and that we will be a united front in loving him.
There is an old saying that there is no love like a mother's love and I realized today that my son has 2 moms who would lay down our lives for him.
On one hand, I have come to realize the magnitude of her grief. But I have also realized that despite her grief and the less than ideal circumstances leading to the adoption I am not responsible for those circumstances. The best way I can honor her is by being the best possible mom to this little guy.
I really can't thank you all enough for the gifts you have given me, and I wish you all the best as you continue in your journies.
"It would be more bearable if the child really did die, for then she could grieve and so recover from the death." ~ Joss Shawyer
Jackie, I was so amazed to see that this quote has actually been published. I, too, often felt this way when my son was growing up. The popular view in the 1970's was that a birthmother grieved for her lost child in the same manner as if the child had died at birth. And that always felt so very wrong to me. The way in which I grieved for my son was more comparable to how a mother grieves when her son is taken prisoner of war or missing in action. I mean, I knew my child was probably alive...I just didn't know how he was, where he was, or anything about him.
I'm glad to see I'm not the only birthmother who has ever felt this way. I often thought it would have been much easier to grieve if my son had actually died. It's strange...the last month of pregnancy, I didn't want him to come out. As long as he was inside of me, he was mine. I knew that the minute he came out, it would be over for me...that he would never be mine again. When I was going into hard labor, I prayed that we would both die in childbirth, just so I would always be his mother. And I've always felt extremely guilty about that prayer...
"It would be more bearable if the child really did die, for then she could grieve and so recover from the death." ~ Joss Shawyer
Jackie, I was so amazed to see that this quote has actually been published. I, too, often felt this way when my son was growing up. The popular view in the 1970's was that a birthmother grieved for her lost child in the same manner as if the child had died at birth. And that always felt so very wrong to me. The way in which I grieved for my son was more comparable to how a mother grieves when her son is taken prisoner of war or missing in action. I mean, I knew my child was probably alive...I just didn't know how he was, where he was, or anything about him.
I'm glad to see I'm not the only birthmother who has ever felt this way. I often thought it would have been much easier to grieve if my son had actually died. It's strange...the last month of pregnancy, I didn't want him to come out. As long as he was inside of me, he was mine. I knew that the minute he came out, it would be over for me...that he would never be mine again. When I was going into hard labor, I prayed that we would both die in childbirth, just so I would always be his mother. And I've always felt extremely guilty about that prayer...
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My son's mom (it's funny cause we call each other "my son's mom") said that it is hard seeing someone else do all the stuff with him that she wishes she were doing. I have always struggled when I send pictures and videos...you know, all the "happy family " stuff, us on vacation, taking him swimming, laughing and interacting with him. His mom and I talked about that too. I said I want to send her everything so she can see what he is up to, but I don't want to seem like I am "rubbing it in her face." She said she waits to open pictures and videos for when she is having a good day.
The hard part for me as an amom is that I cannot know her experience and she cannot know mine. She said that parenting is easier than adoption. I held my tongue because...well, I don't know what the answer is. I think parenting is harder than she imagines, especially given some of her circumstances, and yet to say so seems wrong at this point. I believe she must have parenting fantasies and I can't blame her. How can she know what it is like to wake up at 3 am with a screaming baby with a fever, or to be beholden to a little creature 24/7? And how can I know what it is like to pass moms and babies on the street and feel like your heart is being ripped out of your body? I can't. I am 24 years older than she is which also informed our relationship. I watched my grandfather almost die of grief when my mother died, so I don't know if it is easier to lose a child to adoption or death but both seem hard. My hope is that her ongoing relationship with the little guy will mean that she hasn't "lost" him, although she will still have to grieve not raising him.
Thanks again for your thoughts. They have helped me immeasurably.
portlowski
The hard part for me as an amom is that I cannot know her experience and she cannot know mine. She said that parenting is easier than adoption. I held my tongue because...well, I don't know what the answer is.
I agree with Raven. I had several friends and family at the time tell me that they would "help" me if I kept my daughter. I think in retrospect that it would have definitely been easier. But easier wasn't necessarily better in my case. My daughter was my primary consideration. BTW, the ones that said they would "help" me out were the biggest and most vocal critics when it came to my adoption choice.
I also wanted to say that although I've only been a member of this forum for a limited length of time, reading the experiences of others has REALLY helped to validify my feelings as well as explain the action of my daughter--even when she cannot explain them herself. Thank you all!
Soprano
Hi Raven and Soprano,
I think you are right. She meant that raising her son would have been easier for her than the adoption. And I am sure that is true emotionally. But I think her parents looked at the fact that she has struggled with serious emotional problems (I feel reluctant to spell them out here because even though this is an anonymous forum I don't feel comfortbale revealing her private information here) and worried that they would interfere with her ability to parent. Although that may have been true, I think they underestimated the toll that the adoption would take on her emotionally as well.
I said before that I can't be responsible for her grief, and yet I want to do everything in my power (and ther is a lot that is NOT in my power) to help her find some peace of mind. In all honesty, her very life is at stake right now given some of the behaviors she is engaged in right now (not drugs or alcohol, even deeper and more self abusive issues). I want her to recover because I love her and I want "our" son to have a good relationship with her.
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