I told my husband he is 28, some advice please

Ah, wonderful. Another person who just doesn't get it. :grr:

Ohh, I agree with Mixed Bliss. I felt my tummy knot as I read what Susshy said. I do not agree at all that this is a "new age" thing. To me knowing heritage etc. is a timeless thing. Secrets are a huge detriment to our very souls. How can the game of "pretend" that adoption is be healthy for anyone if we are not at some point let in on the "secret"? Without knowing we won't have a knowledge that our aparents medical history is not our own for one thing. I read another article on the hereditary factor in certain cancers. Should we remain clueless and therefore not have the proper screening or "watchful" eye on our health? Health info. has been a case of life and death in my situation. And why should everyone else know but not us something that is an intricate part of us? Why should other arelatives etc. know something intimate about us and we not have a clue? I could go on and on!

snuffie, I felt the same as you but realized that comment was so "out there" I just blew it off. What cracks me up is the total lack of respect given to us , based on comments like that for adopted people. I really think that the common misconception about adopted people is that we need to be told how to feel as we are incapable of "understanding" how it really is after all the whole world knows better then us and our needs are to threatneing for some people. GEESH..how did I make to the age of 50, actually growing up, married for 26 years, 5 children, and a profession! But really am incapable of understanding what adoption and the needs of the child might be. And I consider my adoption a "success". mixedblessings....yup another one!

The advice "Know thyself" is at least as old as Socrates. I am glad we live in an age where it is no longer considered moral or ethical to lie to one's children about the circumstances of their origins. It was his parents obligation to tell him, and if they weren't willing, then frankly it could have been Barney down at the gas station or anyone who knew. I've communicated with hundreds and hundreds of Late Discovery Adoptees and the remarkable thing is how many people know and keep the secret. Secrets take hostages, secrets breed shame. There is nothing shameful about being adopted, why the big hush hush?

Not to take anything away from the OP here (my hopes are that she knows we're here for her and that she will keep in touch with us and let us know how it's going for her and her husband)... but - MAN! Your comment just speaks to my soul. Thanks for that.

Yes dear lady let us know how it's going with you and your husband for I am concerned. Take care. bprice215

I think she did the right thing as secrets destroy a marriage. It would not only hurt him to keep a secret, it would hurt her personally and put something between them that would hold them apart. Sorry to get sidetracked by the mystery in the details, but I am also wondering about the back story, given the keeping of the birth certificate, passport, etc. (How does he not look at his own passport when traveling? That doesn't make sense.) If there had actually been an adoption filed, why would she need to keep these things to keep the secret? Wouldn't all the information--name, birthplace, etc.--be changed anyway to agree with his parents' story? Or was he just handed off (maybe relative to relative), and did his "adoptive" parents never actually adopt him, legally change his name, etc.? I don't think the op actually said the mother told her. She said they talked about it. How op found out may be problematic for the mother. If mother did tell her, perhaps it is something she felt torn over. Perhaps he came to them irregularly or perhaps she made a different promise to birthparents--another reason I am against any adult making any binding promise to another adult concerning a child who cannot give informed consent, but that's another thread. Good luck to the op, these things can be tough to navigate early in marriage...if he is upset with you in the beginning, try to be patient and wait it out rather than digging in too defensively. He has hurt and anger inside himself that needs to come out and you are the closest target. It's not rational, but it will probably be temporary if you don't polarize the situation or keep the focus on yourself. He may hear "don't be angry at me" as "don't be angry" and become even more upset. If it were me, I would stick with "I'm so sorry this has happened to you" and try to affirm his feelings without getting involved in piling on his mother, blaming, or judging. That back story thing, again; you may not know why, really, mother didn't tell. Even if it is a wrong reason, it may be one deserving of compassion and forgiveness. I don't think you want to be even partly responsible for derailing that or the rebuilding of their relationship. If he doesn't have to defend his emotions, he will come around to realizing where they really belong.

There IS no clear cut right and wrong here... just consequences... The thing to remember is that it is NOT your fault that his mother never told him he was adopted. She can be angry all she wants, but in the end, she's the one that kept the secret. I think that the most you can do is let you husband have his grieving process. Let him know that it doesn't change who he is... just where he came from. Let him know that you love him and will do whatever it takes to be supportive and understanding. But don't EVER let someone make you feel guilty for a situation you did not create. It's okay to feel bad for your husband, but I wouldn't let his mother make you feel bad for letting the cat out of the bag, so to speak. It's something she probably should have done a long time ago.

As painful as it is for him, you DID do the right thing. I found out at 23 i was adopted. My older "sister" always acted like she hated me and waited until i was newly married, pregnant and about to go bankrupt to let the secret out. The things your husband feels are almost soul destroying. We are supposed to trust our parents above all but is this betrayal, big time.Trust me, he would have grown to resent you if he found out you knew and kept silent. He is probably going through an identity crisis among other things. Please just let him talk whenever he wants and listen to him. We often need this to get things right in our own head. Good luck

Blue, I am sorry you are having to go through this, it is hard loving someone, and knowing a truth, that they should indeed know. I feel you were 100% correct in being a wife whom promises , love, HONOR and to cherish , for ones life! Bravo for doing the right thng. HONOR , is something, that when we become parents, WE, as parents FEEL..HONOR! As parents, we make some very valuable decisions, respect, guidance, strength, support, nurture, love, patience, care, and to raise our children, with honesty, compassion, and teach those virtues to them , so they can pass those qualitys forward to others, and especially to their own children. In my opinion, when a baby/child is relinquished, they are automatically given a title(adoptee), and with that goes a whole slue of issues for them to deal with for life, I can not even imagine the emotions that goes through their mind. Your DH was owed these same virtues as all children, ARE OWED BY THEIR PARENTS! His parents were WRONG on ALL levels for not showing him respect, and giving him the ability to KNOW......TRUTH! Please be patient, BLUE, he has been handed some of the most powerful and devastating news. He now has to wonder about his whole ENTIRE world, and was it ALL a LIE? He has very conflicting feelings, but even though you gave him his truth, I would doubt those angry, hurt, conflictions, are about you or even aimed towards you. You have done NOTHING wrong, honoring the man you pledged to spend your life with, by being honest! Please feel no guilt, nor shame, for those belong to his parents! I hope you can continue being there for your husband, patiently allowing him to figure out what , and where to go from this point. He will need you, for he needs someone he can trust, and my guess is you are 1 out of many, possibly the only one in his world, he knows he can trust. BLESSINGS to you and DH... hug, hold and let him know, if and when he needs to talk, you will be there! He will most likely be remembering his years growing up, and putting the pieces together. He will be thinking of all those times he KNEW something was different, but did not know WHAT, or ignored those signs. I hope he can get some form of therapy, and I too hope he can approach his mother and finally get what he deserves...TRUTH! C.J.

No, the problem arose when the amom told the wife and somehow expected her to keep that information from her husband. Once it was disclosed to her, it became her knowledge to do with as she pleased. If it wasn't "her place" to tell her husband, the MIL shouldn't have told the wife.

Joe, I agree, it almost sounds like MIL, did this on purpose, since her relationship with DIL, was not to her liking. Maybe in hopes if DIL, told this would place a wedge into the marriage relationship. I would not like to think this is indeed the way his mother was thinking...but could be! Either way,when I decided my relationship with hubby of almost 11 yrs....was going to be a permanent partnership, I owed nothing less than truth. I divulged any thing I knew , that as a partner for life, would indeed deserve to know....ANYTHING, that was importan to our future! BLUE, has done nothing wrong, and should feel very good about being truthful to her marriage...for marriage deserves honesty and trust. Blessings to all...Blue, how are you doing????? C.J.

Blue...it is easy to understand your concerns in regards to this situation......based on the information you had, you made a decision...at the present you may go through a period of the "Blame Game" but in the future, I believe everyone will agree you were right... whether or not they agree with you now. Although, they may never admit it.There is a lot of good that can come from the opening of these doors. Your husband now has the ability to go to a source and gain information. No one knows a story as well as the people who are experiencing it, so the following are a few suggestions for your evaluation.First, talk to your husband and try to get him to share his feelings with you about the situation. Those feelings need to come out, and who better to share them, than his wife. It may take him a while to verbalize all those feelings because of the current roller coaster ride. He does however, need to understand your concern for him.Second, I would try to get all of the people involved to come together in a meeting so they can all express their feelings, and your husband can get any information he desires. If they refuse, they need to know the door is open whenever they decide to move forward. You are a wife and as such you have an interest in what is happening. You have attempted to help, support, protect and create a level of honesty and an avoidance of continued secrecy.I would hope that you will remain secure in your feelings as a wife. There may be attempts to make you a "bad person" or to intimidate. Refuse to accept those labels. Your commitment is to help your husband...this you have done to the best of your ability.I wish you the best.

Sorry susshy but i disagree, he shoudl have been told when younger yes, but imaghine how it woudl have been if say there was a health risk and genetic testing was needed and he foudn out form tests hes not related. That woudl devastate a person more. I have met one person who foudn out from a similar way they havent spoken to their Aparents in 15 years because of it. at least being younger there is a chance the relationship can be saved. as for the OP all you can do is be tthere for him and help him work out his feelings, wether it in private at home or through a councilour who has dealt with similar situations. I agree that you made the right choice even if itr doesnt seem so now, who knows maybe his bmom has been looking for him all these years... maybe he always felt different form rest of family. you did what felt was right and ended a lie. it may hurt now but it was the right choice

Then whose place was it? No one else was being a stand up enough person to let him know and it is a pretty important piece of information to know IMO! It boggles my mind that parents would lie/omit the truth! What about their medical backgrounds?