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I have posted here often and been hopeful about the reunion. However, it has been 6 years of email, IM's, phone conversations, her cutting me off if I even mention the words f2f. Today, she crushed me like a bug. Last Saturday she contacts me - "HELP" - I give her my best thoughts, etc., then nothing - no contact whatsoever. Late Monday she says don't bother me, you are making me mad - cause of course I wanted to know what happened (natural reaction when you are trying to be helpful). Today, she blocked me, made sure I could not contact her - even put that she was angry and why couldn't SHE (meaning me) stop bothering her and people she knows. This happened after she found out that I could access any information I wanted - just like the rest of the computer/internet using world. I am done. For the first time, I am really done. I emailed her, told her I was not leaving, but I would never contact her again. That she knows where I am and how to reach me. At this moment I truly regret even looking. I am not a mother, my child is gone. The person that she is now is not who I would have raised. This hurts so bad - All I can do is cry. Why?
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I am so sorry. I regret to say I've been there and there is no reason I can understand why they (our birth children) treat us like that. And then they vehemently deny they control the relationship.
I certainly hope for both of your sakes that this isn't the end. But regardless, please take care of yourself... and rant at/to us as much as you need to.
Soprano
Silverwitch, I am so very sorry that your daughter is so angry. It sounds like she cuts you off as a way of punishing you. And you don't have to put up with it.Six years is a long time to go in a reunion without having a face-to-face meeting. At times, I'm really grateful that the Internet was in its infancy when I reunited with my son. It forced us to develop our relationship in person, rather than email. Does your daughter ever give you a reason why she doesn't want to meet you in person?I know how much pain you're in right now, and I wish I could make it better. All I can say is that you have the right and obligation to take care of yourself. Set the boundaries (it sounds like you have), and then stick to them. Your daughter has a lot to learn in life...she really needs to grow up a little.
I know the feeling! ...I think we have every right to say I'm sorry about abandoning you, what happened to you as a newborn was extremely hurtful and I don't want to lessen that trauma but we need to decide if our relationship is going to move forward and see if we can both accept the loss and grief of the past and create a relationship that is unique and respectful.
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Silverwitch, I too am sorry that you are in pain. It's unfortunate but it sounds like your daughter is punishing you and, I don't think, testing to see if you'll hang around. She's asked that you not contact so, you're doing the right thing by responding to her saying you will no longer contact her but she knows how to reach you.
Raven is soooo right. You've set the boundaries (necessary to protect yourself). The hardest part will be sticking with it. It does sound like she needs to sort herself out.
Take care.
While I was trying to figure things out, last night and today, I discovered that she has no boundaries! She attempted to log on as me and delete things from my page on myspace! Fortunately for me, after she did the same thing prior to this, I had already changed my email for the myspace page and she was unable to hack it. I know she is punishing me. She despises her adoptive parents and is very negative about them unless they are giving her things - currently they are helping with new furniture (four poster bed, etc.). She is also disgusting about me - according to both her ex-husbands - when I am the one she is punishing. I have to admit that I no longer have a desire to have her in my world at all. I have tried - three times - and failed, without any idea why - three times. She often says that I don't know anything. But I know all about her. Other people want to talk about her. Sadly, it is not positive and I do not bother to talk to them at all anymore. It is my firm belief that she is severly bi-polar and that her a-parents indulge her and put up with her because she threatens and throws fits if they don't. Her a-mom is totally afraid she will lose "her" daughter. Her a-dad is tired of the whole business - he had not wanted a child in the first place. It is sad and seriously damaging. The most current anger is (I found out through a mutual friend) because she believes that I "spy" on her. She is severly undereducated and does not realize that with the right training - (CI and Paralegal for me) anyone can find out anything about anyone. I tried, to no avail, to explain this to her several years ago - she did not listen. Lately, she pretends all is well - my ability to know that she has been once again evicted for non-payment of rent, etc., is what I think she fears. If she knew I had already known this, she might have considered that I said nothing to her. Also, she likes to poke her nose into my business, by asking very personal things from my sister, who has told her "don't call me again". Her cousin, my sister's daughter does not like her. She had told my niece that I was bad - not a bright thing to say to someone who actually knows you. As I said - no boundaries. I will never completely shut her out - but I will not be so easy to forgive again - three times makes me a fool.
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I am so sorry for you. But I believe you do care, because you wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't. That's not a bad thing, just means you are a wonderful caring woman (as are many of the women here). Please know (speaking as a 3-time loser with my b-daughter) that at some point you will exit the other side of this and not feel quite so raw as you do now. And taking care of yourself now will help you to emerge on the other side with some semblance of self.
Soprano
SilverWitch,I feel for you. This situation bites. As an adoptee, I hope you don't feel any extra guilt. If a child you had raised behaved this way, I think these are more than appropriate boundaries, and you have every right to be treated with respect. I wish things were better for you. It sounds like your daughter treats everyone this way, and your guess of bipolar sounds pretty realistic. I hope you can take some comfort that maybe this is a disease, and not something she has total control over.
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