Need Advice On How To Keep Adoption From Closing

Fear. Plain and simple. Even today, 35 years later, after spending most of my life with zero relationship with my amom - she STILL gets angry/fearful if I even MENTION my bmom.Not sure why - having a birth mom doesn't make her less of a mom. Not mentioning her doesn't make her not exist.She will always be my birth mom and she will always be there...But, bottom line - I think it's likely fear of having her 'role' taken away. Like having you in her life will some how make her chose...and maybe she is affraid of what that choice will be.It's really sad...and hard to work thru...I wish you a ton of luck.

Fear. You asked for something and therefore disrupt the balance that amom was able to have over the situation.No real answers but tons of (((HUGS)))

Oh no!! To me, a mom is "projecting" that A does not want to have anything to do with you, has a lot on her plate, yada yada because she just doesn't want to deal with the prospect of contact between you and A. Why would receiving a birthday card "put more on the plate" of A. In one sense, although you think amom has turned, maybe this is just an opportunity to really hash things out and say what your "intentions" are....which to me are simply to let your DD know you love and care about her and are thinking about her on her bday. Remind a mom that you have been extremely respectful and have "run" everything by her, but just want A to know you are there when she is ready for contact. Btw, this strikes me as a time to ask a mom for a phone convo ....I keep thinking that actually "speaking" with somone and hearing the tone of their voice helps. I think a mom is really afraid and maybe needs some "education" -- it's not fair that you have to do it, but maybe in the long run, this will be best? I am soooo sorry!

How old is your birth daughter? It sounds like amom isn't comfortable with you speaking or writing directly to A. Maybe that's why your request to send a card or message made her turn on you. It seems like such a small request for you, but to her that opens up a whole differnt kind of relationship that she's not ready for. I think the best thing you can do is just continue to try and build a comfortable friendly relationship with the amom until your daughter is old enough where you can contact her directly. It sounds like your almost to that point. You must be so :hissy: Frustrated:hissy: , but it won't be long before your daughters all grown up and can make her own decisions.

I can't help but wonder if amom is afraid you will back away from contact again. I imagine it's hard to hear that, because I'm sure you've already beaten yourself up about closing contact earlier, but I think your have to recognize that as a possible rationale for amom's behavior. If A is curious about you right now and is, for whatever reason, emotionally vulnerable, then perhaps amom is just concerned about A's ability to handle it if you back away again. So, in short, I'm not sure it's necessarily fear for her own role---maybe she is really worried about how A will react if you reestablish a relationship and then distance yourself again. I agree w/ the other posters that you should talk more w/ amom---ask if she is worried about how A will handle it and work together to do what's best for A. Just my .02 Good luck with it.

I just wanted to throw out an idea I have about why the a-mom reacted as she did. Maybe the trigger of her fear and anxiety was the day you wanted to honor, the BIRTHday. She may have had a sudden vision of the mother-child birth bond and she wasn't in it. That could be why she panicked and led you to believe she might not allow you to have any contact. I wonder if she would have reacted like she did if your plan was to send a graduation present? Anyway, that's just a thought.

I haven't read the rest of the responses but my initial reaction, as a mother through adoption, is fear, plain and simple. And that fear breeds insecurity in herself as the mother of her child (which to me seems a normal security when you realize the child you love to the core of your being is loved as much by another mother), a child who is becoming of an age where she might find assurance and solace in knowing her other mother. And this fear comes because there hasn't been the hard work of acknowledging the fact that you, as this child's other mother have a vital role in your child's life. Fear is a hard, hard thing (I struggle with it as the core of alot of my "issues") and I do have compassion on this woman. Adoption never gives the "normal" life so many of us who have adopted long for. And when she sees you she sees the "normal" that has been pseudo-created by not having alot of contact with you disrupted. It is less about disrupting A's life as it is about disrupting hers. Like I said, I do have compassion on her, because most likely, she hasn't come to terms with all of this. It's hard stuff. And your post reminded me that I have to keep it in the forefront of my mind, regardless how the openness in our adoptions play out. That said, what can you do? I wish I knew. I'm the kind of person that with a little time and space, I'll work it through (which is what I'm trying to do now, while my kids' other mothers aren't willing/able to be actively involved in my life...I'm preparing for the possible day when YOUR request will be their request. ANd I'll be ready...I hope!). But since you have this dialog open, I would sincerely try to communicate with her so she can see your intentions for what they are, and that she is a part of this decision. Sadly, if she doesn't get on board with allowing her child to be a part of these decisions, she's going to miss out on it when your child comes looking for you. I would be alot easier for her if she made room NOW instead of being on the outs when her child (and yours) seeks you out for herself. Gentle honesty... compassion for what she might be feeling (however convoluted it might seem). I wish there was more I could offer.

I honestly just wanted to offer you some hindsight in hopes it could be converted into forsight.My situation is close to your friends but i'm a few years down the road. Alos I was the one had the meltdown not amom.That being said I just tried to say what might help and it may not have been what you wanted to hear. I would try to disengage from amom as gracefully as possible and assure her you will continue to respect boundries. Nothing has changed really, you are only being informed of her true feelings for the first time as the "threat" of having you in A's life gets closer. The percieved threat has brought those fears to the surface and she can't hide it by dancing around the issue anymore. Let her know that you understand that she is the one who best knows what her daughter can handle at this time in her life and you value her judgement and will continue to respect boundries (You know "kiss up")She might even be right(at least till she is 18) and you can get things back on a postive track. Be patient and focus on waithing for A to turn of legal age where she can decide for herself what she wants on her plate. It sounds like she is certainly interested in knowing you and it will happen in time. Hope it works out.