Have you dealt with this as a b-mom?

IMO there are no definites in life.. things change.. and then change again.. We do the best we can and we sort what we can and then we get on with our lives.. What if you wrote them a letter saying you would like updates? Put your foot in the door.. They may have changed.. they may not be so worried.. Jackie

Amanda, I am so sorry this happened to you. As an a mom, it makes me very upset to hear that the promises were not kept up (and that the open adoption agreement was not in place....). Like Jackie said, things can change. Even though you haven't had contact in two years, do you still know how to contact them? I have many a parent friends who wanted a closed adoption and now that their kids are getting older wish that they did have contact with their kids' birth parents. Also, to be honest, the early months are really HARD for both b parents and a parents. I remember feeling "overwhelmed" a bit with our OA...it's hard to know what the "boundaries" are. Insecurities are definitely a part of it all, etc. And just from my a mom perspective, do they "know" why you ceased contact? Maybe they didn't "understand" how difficult it was for you (not that they shouldn't have, but...) I think if you can reach out to the a parents, it is worth a shot. I wish you the best.

[FONT="Tahoma"]Thank you both for your kind words. :love:

I wish I could go back in time. Communicate more effectively my needs and be sensitive to the couple during their transitional period as well.:confused:

I burnt the bridge long time ago by raging against a-mom and all the things I dealt with behind closed doors. I raged with no remorse-and frankly am red faced at how adamant I was in trying to expose this woman for all the hurt she caused(all the lies she told,all the facts she purposely distorted). In the end, it did me absolutely no good,and just gave her 'proof' to others how bad I was!

I guess to answer your question Jackie, My ego can take a shoot kicking,but my heart just wouldn't be able to handle dealing with the couple's personality types.I just can't open myself up after all the hurt in the past to trust them again regardless of everyone's good intentions. It's just like a couple who get together and they're good people alone,but bring them to one another and they become Gremlins: :D

I started this post as a way to let out everything I've felt in the past in order to let go a lot of the guilt and shame I've felt with this circumstance. As a pretty private person myself,I don't want to force a friendship where there is none. I want my daughter and her current family to live a normal life without my intrusion and expectations.

I may be stubborn,but I'm patient. I will wait until my daughter is older to contact her and put things in her hands. I will open up a venue for us to talk and possibly get to know each other:eyebrows:

Psst,sorry for the late response,I just got my strength back from dealing with food poisoning! ;) [/FONT]

Butterfly2008 I think this is one of the main things that trip us up.. wanting to go back in time and change things.. It can not be done.. and I think of all the emotions we have when we wish for something that has already gone down.. I think this is why the twelve step program says.. Stay in the day.. stay in the moment.. Forgive yourself.. is what I suggest. You were in grief.. and when we are in grief we say and do things we would not normally do.. And this is the fact of the thing.. accepting what we can not change.. that is where the freedom is.. Accepting it and then working within that acceptance.. That must have been painful.. I hate getting sick.. Jackie

I am sorry this has been so painful and horrific. I know it is hard.I am almost afraid to say this next part, because I am NOT trying to defend them just because I am also an amom. BUT sometimes there are 2 sides to a situation.So here goes, and I may be offbase here, but in terms of your final straw, the signing of the final papers--Their lawyer/counselor probably told them to say there is no open adoption in place, because if there was no legal one set up, he would want them to 'protect' themselves , just in case.Now, of course, you would ,in finding out they denied OA, would feel betrayed , and would act out , it makes perfect sense. But in doing so, it makes the aparents feel they were right in signing the papers in that way.So, if you really want to try again, you may find that they actually do want, and did want some level of openness all along, but they were just listening to their lawyer. Most a-parents want their a-kids to have some contact with first familiy. It is in the best interest of the child. Maybe time has healed some of the sensitive wounds, and you can all reevaluate things.

Butterfly2008... Oh goodness the LIES of adoption!!! I know them very well, unfortunately! All I can tell you is to just let some time pass, and adjust to the fact that the lies are just part of the adoption process. Why we as birthmom's are not told the truth, but then are held to a much higher level of standards is beyond me. We are expected to tell nothing but the truth, yet they fill us with lies and we are the ones looked upon so badly...UGH!!! It is a lot to take in. As you have stated you are now regretting your choice to reveal those lies, however she is the one that put you in the position to even have the chance to expose them. (I hope that makes sense) Don't beat yourself too badly over it, but at the same time don't try to rush to fix it either. It is hard to be away from your child all of us birthmom's know that...but it is just as hard to sacrafice yourself for the well being of others. Unfortunately this is not just about you and your daughter, it is now about a whole other family that are complete strangers to you. Again try to give it some time and pray that time will heal the wounds that have been inflicted on you all.

[FONT="Tahoma"]In response to some of the suggestions earlier on,I will try my best to respond.

What got me was the fact that I was promised visitation 100% before I got pregnant and during. I wanted to help them have a child with the help of the husband's sperm/my eggs previously. I trusted them both 110% to care and raise this little girl(also her husband's daughter) so WHY didn't she trust me? They checked off no visitation agreement(which I didn't know about at that time),then a month later she's *suggesting* when we agreed I would visit in August(which was 2 months away),that I try *again* to get pregnant for them :confused: When you're going around talking badly to your online friends about the b-mom during the pregnancy and after wards and claim you can't trust her etc,why if this is so true would you ask her to carry for you again? If this b-mom is such a horrible person,are you so very desperate for children you'll compromise your *supposed* values just to have more children? I find that excuse hard to swallow :rolleyes: I'm mad that all my good intentions and promises were kept,I never did ANYTHING without consulting her first and yet I'm still left holding the bag.

This "relationship" between us can't be fixed because I know this woman never trusted me from the beginning(she's angry I lashed out and exposed the negative things and that I took it a step further and called her out on her character flaws(if it's good for her to do then it was fair for me too). It's easy for her to sit there and say, "SEE,I knew I couldn't trust her!" SHE sabotaged our relationship. By the time this little girl was 7 months old,I had enough of her games and keeping everything that was said and done to me secret any more. I was tired of her deceit and lies. Everything was about her. About what she wanted. She never really seemed to care about me. She seemed to relish the attention that she got from having a baby,but she viewed me as just another cow in the herd(they're cattle farmers),which of course I took as an insult!

I'm not a cow,and I don't tolerate being used. She has decided since I've raged online against her(to people who know her and visa versa),that I am never allowed near my daughter. :rolleyes: She had already decided this LONG time ago when she insisted this little girl was a possession. Like a doll you refuse to share because it's your first and the person who gave it to you,might want it back. Well this little girl ISN'T a play thing. I will never forgive this woman for the hurt she's intentionally or unintentionally caused me. Her fake-ness is sickening after awhile,so how could I possibly interact with her when I can't stand fake people?

Jenna- I agree with you 100% although when you're dealing with someone who only sees you as a baby wish maker,it's bound to break down.

Katie-Thank you for contributing your thoughts and experiences ;) I did go on and carry another little girl for a separate couple who never seemed to have any issues with me personally or in the trust/respect aspect :flower: My question is this(not finger pointing just curious),how is it fair to the child,that any parent(biological or not) should have the right to determine whether the other party is allowed to see them and when? Allowing this type of "ownership" over an adoption situation to me should be illegal. As in divorce cases,I believe adoptions should be treated the same where a court gives the a parents 100% custody but it determines what's best in terms of visitation. I even cringe at the idea of changing the original birth certificates-what's the use of that? It's there to state who has biological connection to the child. If it's because there's needed a government appointed piece of paper to validate the a parents connection to the child,why not have a different document that's just as relevant? I'm not bashing or accusing,I see major flaws in the system that not only don't make sense,it trivializes things(in my eyes).

Just trying to make sense of this thing called adoption!!:p [/FONT]

I read your words and they were so similar to mine to a point. I began what was called Independant Adoption in 1985. It wasn't legal in most states but New Mexico and New York it was. I left Chicago my home, and moved in with my Mother who moved there for health reasons. During all the contact between me and the Amother, Lisa, she stated that I would be a part of his life, just not an active part. They assured me I would be sent pictures and just little notes to let me know he was alive and well. I could not go thru with the adoption unless these things held true. I watched others suffer so much with the NOT knowing, I knew as emotional as I am, I could not do this. I was adamant about this and they agreed. One photo and letter a year, not too much to ask for right? Heh..wrong. They lied thru their teeth to get what they wanted, which was my son. I was so young and stupid, I had no idea "grown ups" would lie as they did. I think the odd thing was the comment about paying also for a rehab take a rest trip and would I consider getting pregnant again so my son could have a sibling!! I mean seriously, it was one of those WTF moments that never leave your mind. How cold, how calculating how unfeeling! I wrote the lawyers on a regular basis just trying to get any information possible. I hit brick walls. One day, I got a letter, a registered letter with a photo of my son and paperwork that stated the judge in N.M. was wrong in terminating my rights on the spot and the adoptive courts in New York gave me more time. Wow, she sent a photo because I was being given the chance to change my mind. And then more words via the lawyers, he was healthy and happy and gave me a name that they said they named him. All lies I believe but they were doing their best to get me back in that trust zone. I waited until the last day before mailing it, hoping this would show them and they would keep their word. But to no avail, when I kept seeking information on his well being they threatened to have me jailed. At 20 years old, what did I know?? They cut me off quick and thats all I know. He turned 23 today and I don't even know if he know's he is adopted. It's my feeling in your case that she is raging jealous that you gave them something she could not. She cannot deal with it. The only way is to invent lies to surround you and make you feel uncomfortable because she never dealt with her barron issues. If I were in your shoes, I don't think I could've held my tongue or emotions either. It's been 23 years for me and my husband just wants to meet our son's Afather and punch him in the face for lying to us as they did. It doesn't go away, it really doesn't. The pain and betrayal and the worse is, to them , the end justifies the means. Bide your time hon, the day will come when you will be able to explain it all to your baby. Keep a journal, keep all the facts straight. Try not to let emotion muddle it, keep it so you can show it knowing it will be read. I'm sending out a thousand hugs your way because you need it. From one "cow" to another! LOL. That part made me laugh and cringe at the same time :grouphug: Take care and take the high road.

((( MyCatharsis ))) I am so sorry for what you have suffered. The behavior of these "people" (which is not the word I want to use) is unconsciounable, inexcusible and unforgivable.

Butterfly,Upon reading your second reply, where you say an agreement was reached BEFORE you got pregnant, I was confused. Are you saying that you were a surrogate mother in this adoption? If so, then I believe that makes this a different situation than I first believed. Am I wrong?