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Hello everyone! I just joined today, although I've been lurking for a while. I'm a grown, married adoptee with a young family, and truely have a blessed life!
Last week I got a call that was the shock of the century...a woman called that was an intermediary, on behalf of my bmom, who was wanting to make contact. I was absolutely floored! My parents had always been open about my adoption, and I've known since before I can remember. Being born in 1980 though it was a closed adoption, so nothing was ever known. I had tried twice to get the paperwork started about 7 years ago, but the agency never called me back, and I figured it wasn't meant to be at that time, so I didn't pursue it any further. Honestly I had fears of being rejected too - for all I knew my adoption was a family secret, and if bmom had moved on with her life I didn't want to disrupt things. And really, I guess thats how I'd always assumed things were for whatever reason.
Anyway, after talking with the intermediary I have found out that she is married, and I have 4 half siblings! Aside from the shock, it was probably one of the most exciting days of my life, ranking right up there with my wedding day and the birth of my children! From the very little I know, it sounds like my bmoms husband is excited and supportive, and my oldest sib who is only 5 years younger is excited as well, but it sounds like the 3 younger sibs may not know yet. The sweet intermediary said that when she told bmom that was also interested in making contact 'she cried and cried and cried'! What a great beginning to a chapter I never thought I'd read....
Anyway, we are just starting our reunion - I sent in my consent form to the intermediary today, and the ball will roll from there. I have been on here reading for hours and hours, and have seen good things and not so good things. I am hoping for the best possible outcome for us, whatever that may be! One thing that I keep thinking about though is how odd it must be for her to hear that I am married with three children. The intermediary said that she had been searching for 11 years (since I was 17 I guess), and now that she found me she gets not only me, but my husband and 3 bio grandchildren as well!
Have any of you had this same type of experience? I'm hoping my family status doesn't scare her away any! LOL! It turns out that her youngest daughter is only two years older than my oldeset daughter! I know that only time will truely tell, but I'd love to hear about other bmoms out there that may have had similiar circumstances.
I am excited beyond words, and never in a million years would have thought that she would search me out. I already feel that a small hole in me has been filled, just knowing some of the unknowns that I never thought I'd see the answers to. I only wish I had pursued searching more now, as a reunion could have come much faster!
But as I told my oldest daugher, God meant for our families to be put together just the way they were, so I really feel that this must also be the right time to reunite them.
Thanks so much for listening if you made it through all that! I'm shaking still from it all, as it's only been since last thrus night that I received the phone call. I can't wait to see what the future holds!
Take care, and I look forward to getting to know you all more!
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I have not had this experience, but I think it is great. Good luck to you all. I think the similarity in your child's age and your b-mom's age could be helpful as you two get to know each other too. First, your child will have someone close in age with whom hopefully they will connect. Second, you may get some insight to how your bio-siblings are feeling by some of the things your child goes through (just generally in life, their adoption situation is not the same). Again, best wishes to you all. Welcome and keep us posted!!!!!!:grouphug:
Patti,Congratulations, I am a bmom who just contacted DD. She is a little younger than you and does not have any children. Grandchildren would not have scared me off. It would have been wonderful.We have only been in contact for about a month, but it has gone quite well. Email only so far. She just recently moved out and is trying to get settled. She also just started this past weekend emailing my 10 year old. I can tell you that your birthmom is scared too, that she will do something to scare you off. My advice is to be open and honest and respect each other and hopefully things will go well. PM me if you want. Good luck in your reunion.Stacy
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Patti,
I reunited with my son last year, just before he turned 36. My daughter posted on this website in 2000, he posted here in 2005, and I found his post in Jan 2007. My daughter (age 30) acted as intermediary to make sure we were a match before we started communicating, and I am very thankful for that.
It turns out my son is married to a wonderful woman and they have three awesome children. Like many first moms, I had no idea what to expect; but like many moms in general -- we love grandkids! My husband and I flew to the East Coast last August and spent about a week getting to know my son and his family (we stayed at a B&B nearby). It was great! I think having the children around helped to keep things less tense, and definitely added fun and laughter to the mix. We were kept busy running with the children every day we were there, and were absolutely exhausted when it was time to fly back to the West Coast.
I'll have to say this, though... when we left, I wished that I had more alone time with my son. We did manage to have some quiet conversations here and there, but not near enough to suit me. The upside is that it left me excited to see him again ASAP! My son flew to the West Coast to see us and meet members of his family: brother, sister, nephew, cousin, g-aunt and g-uncle. It was great for him to see some of his family members and begin to understand the connectedness.
In about six weeks, we will be flying out to the East Coast again for 10 days. I can't wait to be with the whole family again! My son's 4 y/o daughter sent us Valentines this year... one for Nana and one for Papa -- how special is that?! Yes, we even have special grandparent names of Nana and Papa.
So, does having children make a difference? Oh, yeah! Nothing like a house full of love!
A little advice: Remember to breathe. Also remember that not everything needs to be talked about during your first meetings, emails, phone calls, whatever. It takes time to build a relationship... take things very slowly. I sincerely urge you and your first mom to consider support groups and/or counseling to help you through the beginning stages of reunion. Many first moms, myself included, have buried our grief and loss and still need to deal with those issues. My son and I have both read "The Girls Who Went Away" and he feels that he understands things better since reading the book. For me, reading TGWWA released a wall of tears, and finally set me free.
Best wishes in your reunion!
Peace,
Susan
Thanks so much for all the replies - it's really calming to know that so many others are going through the same thing in general, and from both sides!
Joshsmom, I never thought of it like that, with the kids' ages being so close, but I think you are on to something! I may talk to my daughter more about it when it comes up again...it's interesting to hear her take on things (actually, when we first talked about it she was bawling - she kept thinking about how sad bmom must have been to give away her baby. She has such a tender heart).
sstuart, thanks so much for your message. I'm very interested in hearing how all this is from the other side of the fence. I love reading the stories here posted by the bmoms....it's just nice to hear the other side of the story I've never known and always wondered about. I just may take you up on your offer of a PM ;) I hope that your contact with your own DD continues to go well!
jackie, I'm SO happy to hear you say that! I keep worrying that it will be 'too much' for her, like too much baggage or whatever. I don't know why - I guess it's just the unrational part of my emotions getting the best of me!
SuddenlySusan, thank you so much for sharing your story. It brings tears to my eyes! I will probably learn from your experience and meet - when/if the day comes - without the kids initially. I can definately see how it would make it harder for some one on one time. I'm so glad to hear that your reunion went so well! And that your grandkids call you nana and papa - I think that is so cute! That's something my hubby and I have been talking a lot about (how the kids will view my bfamily). I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it, but we'll probably give the kids the option to address them however they like, although I do have to admit it's a little wierd to think that they have yet another set of grandparents! In a good way though...I pray that they can know how truely lucky they are!
Thanks again for all the replies. I am playing the waiting game now, and hopefully will have good things to tell about soon!
My son is not married with children (yet, anyway!) and we are in the very beginning stages of opening up communication. On one hand, I'm happy he is single, because if and when there is reunion, I will have more time to get to know him one on one. On the other hand, if he did have a wife and kids, I'd be delighted to get to know his family and it would be very cool to have grandchildren! So either way, it would be fine with me.
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First - Congratulations - This is the most exciting time!
I was reunited last summer when a friend of bmom's found me on this site - I had registered the year before. I've met both bparents (didn't get married) and have a relationship with both of them - it is truly amazing. My bmom never had any other kids - but now, not only does she have a daughter but 2 grandkids and it isn't impossible that she might even be a great grandma at some point not too far in the distance. My bdad has 3 children - who are exactly the same age as his newly discovered grandchildren. Now that was a shock to him. (lol)
I think finding you is a gift to your bmom and your children and husband are just icing on the cake. Again, enjoy. And expect a rollercoaster - even if it is incredibly good it is very emotional. The Adoption Reunion Handbook (or something like that) was really good in my opinion on what you may be able to expect.
Have fun!
Jill
Thanks again for the replies!
Jill, thats so great to hear about your reunion - and with both sides too! That must have been a shock to your bdad LOL - I can't imagine! Wonderful though!
It's been such a whirlwind - and wonderful! Last night I got a CALL from my bmom!! It was nervewracking and wonderful and amazing and terrifying at the same time! I think this has been literally a dream come true - never in a million years would I have thought this would be the reality of things, you know? It's great, really great. And she thought that the fact that I had three kids was great! What more could I ask for?!
I think I will be making a trip to Barnes and Noble soon to get a book or two - and Jill, I'll be sure to look for that one you mentioned. It sounds like a good read :)
Thanks again!