Loss and Gain in Adoption

There are gains and losses how could there not be.AdopteeLost the relationship/history that they would have hadLost the connection to their motherAdoptive ParentGain childLoss having to deal with the "other woman/first mom"First ParentLoss raising their childLoss of connectionLoss of knowledgeLoss of communicationLoss of balanceLoss of self esteem/worthLoss of self*sorry not in the best of moods at the moment

Is it a gain that I get to see my son? I don't know, yes it is, but then again I guess it's making the best of the situation and I see him because it's good for him. Is it a gain that I was able to finish university? I don't know.... I guess personally I have learned not to be so judgemental of others, etc. But, really I would have much rather figured that out on my own rather than have to place a child for adoption to learn that. The loss never goes away, the pain associated with it. It's okay, well it's not, but it can't be fixed. I think people just want to fix hurt and fix the loss, make it better. But you can't and that's reality. We as birthmoms learn to live with that loss every day. We learn to encorporate it into our lives.

great thread and congrats Julie!!!!I have been thinking of you and hoping you are getting sleep. OA gains? I would not call them gains. i am not sure what I would call it. I guess just knowing that bchild is alive and well and being able to see that first hand. Being able to see that aparents are doing a great job and are good people. Other than that it's all loss for me in relation to bdaughter but I do have a great life. My adoption loss and my issues and grief etc are not the aparent's responsibility. Their job/role forever is to be the best parents they can be which is something every child deserves. I believe they are doing that so in that way it is somethng I am grateful for - but is that a gain? I don't know - imagine if it had gone the other way????

I would have to say that in placing my son for adoption I have had opportunities I would not have had otherwise. -I have a close relationship with his parents. -I have met people from all over the world. -I have been published and have spoken publically. -I have had people tell me I have been helpful. -Just this week-end I helped a woman get her three day old baby back from an agency who was trying to talk her out of parenting. I've done this before. Of all the "gains", these opportunities, I feel, is my biggest "gain". The difficulty is that all these "gains" are founded in loss. Sometimes I think about what else I would have written about, or the other people I would have met, or the relationship I would have with my son had I parented him. My need to write, to connect, to reform would just have been directed elsewhere. So while I am deep down glad for all I have met along the way and the oppotunities I have been given, I cannot say, with any conviction, that "gains" founded in deep loss are truly gains. They are blessings, but gain is not a word I would use.

I would like to say I gained another family I suppose through my daughters open adoption, but at this point that hasn't happened. Perhaps though. I have gained a TON of wonderful friends that in a strange way I can't picture my life without. I have gained a ton of knowledge about a community I would never have known all the intricacies of had I not joined it. I gained a new perspective and a new understanding of people and different experiences (infertility, loss, BSE, etc.) So yes, I gained those things I suppose....it is a funny word. Nothing I gained was tangible - and while DD CERTAINLY is NOT a commodity, it's hard to not notice that I do not have her presence and someone else does. It's hard not to see that as a loss/gain that's very easy to identify.

I think that is a good point TGM. We don't have our kid's around, which is THE very physical loss for us. No matter how existential we want to be, it is like chopping off a limb with a stick in your mouth and a shot of booze and for some of us gangrene sets in afterward. (One of my focuses in my history degree is the Civil War and I have a friend that portrays a doc, can you tell?) I'd like to think that adoption has helped me gain family but in my reality it has cut me off from my first family and my son's parents have made it VERY clear I am not part of their family and never will be. Sometimes it feels like I am floating in this world where I'm not connected to anyone through biology. I can't explain how profound that loss is for me. My mom and dad and brothers are amazing people and I can't imagine my life without them, I would die for anyone of them, don't get me wrong. But all of my genetic connections have been obliterated for lack of a better word. Ok, so I'm sad today and reeling from some things from my visit yesterday. My kid is beautiful and smart and amazing. I can't wait until he is old enough to really communicate with me because right now things are just so hard with his mom.

Thank you for answering my rambling questions!! I guess everything that you may "gain" through adoption is, as Brenda said, ultimately rooted in loss and physical loss at that. (I want to say, "i'm sorry" but I know you have all said that's not the right thing, it's just my initial reaction!) Belle, this is different, but DH is an adoptee and we have adopted and it is really HARD not to have any "bio" roots or branches in your everyday life. It's something most people just take for granted (I know I do). I'm sorry your visit was tough (at least vis a vis the amom) yesterday.

Thanks loveajax, I really don't know that it is that much different. I'll never raise a child that is genetically mine (not that genetics are everything) but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be around people that look like me and have my temperment, just b/c they do. I'm betting your husband feels the same way sometimes. I am SOOO much like my adad it is scary though, people meet him and they say, well now we know where you get it. I'll get past this, I always do. My mom has already promised to be at the next visit this summer. I think that she is understanding the emotional toll they take on me when I'm alone.

But I know you LA, and I know what you mean by your "I'm sorry" and how you intend it. :love: We're good ;)

I'm an adoptee (closed adoption, late '60s), and I've been thinking about adoption losses lately. (Not sure why - maybe it has something to do with turning 40? ;-) ) The losses for me are: -Knowing my bio/birth/first mother -Knowing any members of my bio family (The only ones I know are my three kids!) -Knowing my family medical history (especially pertinent at this age - I just got a notice to have my first mammogram!) -Knowing anything about my ancestry (I would LOVE to know about ancestors of mine - where they came from, things they did, etc. - and to pass that along to my children -Which brings me to... loss of all of the above for my children I think the "gains" to me of adoption are really unknown. I did gain a two-parent family - my first mother was not married - but who really knows what my life would have been like with my first mother? There's no way to compare - no way to really know if I had a better life with my adopted family. Of course, I love them, but my relationship with them has good parts and bad parts, probably just like any other family! My first mother declined contact with me about three years ago. She said that she had never told anyone about my birth - not her mother, not her sister, not her friends - and didn't want them to find out now. I really hurt for her - can you imagine giving birth to a baby (and I know she visited me for a couple of weeks afterward, while I was in the foster home) and then never telling anyone for 40 years? Anyway, I hope the above is not too jumbled. I'm feeling a little sad today - maybe it is the weather? :-) I do want to say that I have a great life - a husband and children that I thank God for, and a part-time job that I love. But every once in a while, when I think about my first mother, it makes me sad.

(((jwmjwm))) About the only gain I can think of is that I have knowledge that there is a boy walking around out there that I helped to put on this earth... That's huge. As for the rest of my life... It's hard to say how it would have been with him. With the benefit of hindsight, I can actually say, I might have been more stable emotionally and financially in my twenties and early thirties IF I had parented... The only thing different would be the College Degree early on and interestingly enough, my degree didnt help me get a job back then or any job since҅

[FONT=Times New Roman]In regards to MY loss and gains as an adoptee, they are:[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Gains:[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]-My afamily[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]-Having a super close (like twins) relationship with my baby sister, who is my aparents bio child[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]- An education & exposure to the world ( adad was an executive with a major airline)[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]- Growing-up knowing I was/am loved by so many in my afamily[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]-Not growing up in a household where the bgranddad was a bulling tyrant[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Loses:[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]-Knowing bmom earlier in life[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I very grateful to know my bmom and her children. The relationship we have is good, it's not a mother/daughter relationship (thats reserved for amom) but it's good.

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manni28, hi, it's so nice to hear from someone who says that they have a good relationship with their bmother and her children....I have lost all hope of that happening to me...

If the adoption was done ethically, I don't see anything wrong with adoptive parents admitting their gain. They have physically gained a child. I have physically lost a child. They have emotionally gained the joys and hardships of raising that cihld. I have lost those things.One experience doesn't diminish another. They complement one another. Someone has to gain. Someone has to lose. If I can't have her, someone else needs to.

To me it was clear that her loss was my gain. Not my/her son as a commodity, but the rights, privileges and responsibities of parenting him. My "gains" are innumerable. All those moments and memories I share with my son that she did not get to share. Those are a huge loss to her and a great blessing to me. It was only in the past couple years that I began to feel feelings of loss and things to grieve over regarding being Js adoptive mom. I am not infertile- quite the contrary. My losses had nothing to do with the inability to conceive- though I imagine that is a great loss, as I see my friends going through it now. Sometimes I get frustrated that the main perceived loss for adoptive parents is the presumed one of infertility. There is more to it. For me, as he neared adulthood and independence, it was feeling the loss of:-- knowing him in my womb, having the joy and pain of being the one to bring him into the world and having the memory of the day he was born. Not that I never experienced this with any child...I did. But not with him. I would give anything for the same experience with both my children.-- all the moments, days and years before he was in my life- and that loss did not just affect me, but the loss of that time for all my family as his grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. -- feeling unequal to my husband's family in connection to him -- not being his only mother, but one of two. For little bro, I'm it. I'm the mother. For J, I'm one of his mothers. -- having a totally different genetic heritage than my son. I wish we could share that. Very much. -- no physical resemblance- I love seeing myself in Little bro. J, on the other hand, strongly resembles his first mother and any likeness between us is coincidental. Her losses are much much greater than mine. But I also have loss and grief about being an amom.