sister is the birth mother

Oh gag me. I love the assumption that because I'm a first mom I'm angry because I was "hurt". That's like me saying youre defensive because youҒre infertile. This would be an ignorant, stupid, silly assumption (though it might make me feel superior for a moment is that how you felt?). Frankly, last night I was frustrated, coming off of a 16 hour day (early cross country flight) waiting for an important piece of legislation to get signed by the Governor only to be told it was rescheduled for todayօ She signed it by the way. I'm frustrated by the willingness of many to buy into silly stereotypes and to rush to defend illiterate posts by people who do a drive byӔ and never defend or post a second time. Was I harsh? Sure. But so was her post. Three things frustrated me by the OP and hence triggered my horridӔ post: 1) The unwillingness to acknowledge the pain and loss her mother and her sister were feeling from the loss of a child. 2) The giddiness over her sisters choice, ғwhen my sister gave him up for adoption, i was so happy because i feared that eventually i would have had to call social services because she is so rough with babies...Ŕ But, shes so busy with the ғfeel sorrysҔ that she doesnt back it up. Is her sister a child abuser? Or does she rub poop off too hard with the wipe? Who knows? ItҒs easier to just assume the former isnt it? 3) The ғits all about meҔ tone of the post... Does she think her mother and her sister, raw from the loss of a child, will welcome the fact that her adopted husband doesnt have a need to know his first mother? So, I have to say, coming off of a terrific win today, in a way better frame of mind҅Id post it again. And, judging from the PMҒs I received today regarding this post, others agree.

When placement is met with happiness from close family it can be received very poorly...I would want support, not celebration from my sister. You may certainly have your feelings, but then you should let your sister have hers as well. Let her be hurt/angry/upset/whatever emotion that the Parents named him something else. She relinquished her right to PARENT her child, not her right to care. There is a difference and a distinction and it needs to be realized. Consider the child a cousin or not, the fact is, the child IS your sons birthcousin. Perhaps one day it will be up to them to decide if they see each other as cousins. I can see how your resistance to admit thier link could be hurtful to your sister. I completely respect your husbands opinion AND I can understand how that might not be helpful to your sister or Mother. Your husband is ONE adoptee speaking for the entire group. I would reject that opinion if I were hearing it as well. We have to for our sanity sometimes. We can't just hear an opinion like your husbands and "move on" - although MANY think we can. It's just not so. Also, I don't know how old your husband is, but it may be that contact is treated differently now than it was when he was adopted... P.S. Paige, I'm sorry you read Heidi's post that way, but she truly is not a stereotyper nor is she self-righteous. I really think you read a LOT into her words, that I'm sure wasn't there.

Please remember to be respectful when posting, opinions will vary but respect is a must! Thanks!

Whoo. I wasn't assuming anything because you're a first mom. Your post sounded angry and you described how you were hurt by your family. I'm sorry that happened to you. That's all. I can see now how it might have sounded condescending, but I didn't mean it that way. Your post was very harsh. I was trying to give you some leeway because it seemed clear from how you spoke of your own story that you were speaking from your own anger about how your family hurt you- and how you saw that in the OP. It would have been better to leave off where I advised the OP to set boundaries for herself, but to show compassion for her sister.

I would imagine your mother and sister think they will always see your family. Fact of the matter, we frequently take advantage of those closest to us. The going concern principle would have it that they are related to you, they see you, they will see your son. They probably don't look at it much deeper than that right now. I would imagine they are very sensitive to the child lost from their lives right now, especially when there is one so close in age to give evidence of the things they are missing. I don't know if you will easily be able to change that - but good luck and go gingerly would be my only advice. You probably think you are helping by relaying thoughts of your husband, as he is an adult adoptee. However, these people are grieving this loss right now, so hearing about someone with no interest in his birth family is only salt to an open wound. I've got to be honest, my family was the motivating factor wanting my son to be adopted. I was always counting down until his 18th birthday. The day before (it fell on a Saturday that year blast it!!!!) I drove to his school and met him after school to hand him a 7 page letter I had written him. I would have liked to hear stories about how people (particularly men like your husband) didn't want to meet their birthparents BEFORE my son went to live with my dad's relatives - not AFTER the adoption. Perhaps that would have given me a leg to stand on in my quest to keep my child. However, telling them this now that the child is adopted, is only hurting them. They may have to come to the realization he wants nothing to do with them either, but that is their realization and it cannot be for a number of years anyways, so why get into it now. It's only heartache for everyone. If you want to keep these people in your life and the life of your family, try to see this issue from their painful perspective. If not, so be it, and let them go.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Hi Sarah I looked it up in the dictionary - Family (n) = A group of persons sharing common ancestry. To me, Your family (adj) ...I would describe as competitive - Each trying hard to be top of the pecking order. Not your problem....he's No 1 in your world and that's all he needs to feel. Do you consider child your nephew? I can assure you that as a young adult he will wonder if his first family ever think of him as part of theirs. Retribution is very harmful. No matter what, family is what secures us to this world. It's where we come from, where we learn behaviours and principles, who we turn to when things get tough, and the first people we share our joy with too. Good or bad traits learned from childhood we, in turn, pass onto our children...who do the same. If you want a better life for your son, you need to consciously change your own family values - you can't change that what has been before but you can show him you value your family even if they are difficult sometimes. Life isn't a competition - and should be lived the best way we know how without causing pain to others. In the years to come he will treat you similarly to how you now treat your own mother....so keep that in mind when you are questioning whether to be part of the mother/daughter relationship Sarah If you didn't love them, there would be no problem. You could walk away. But love doesn't mean you have to agree with them either. You need to respect their right to thoughts and choices - but agree to disagree. Not your problem - you can't change it and as a birthmother from way back, I know your sister is hurting. She needs support and I think you are "big enough" to forget your hurt feelings and be the caring sister she needs at the moment instead of the judge. Ann[/FONT]

I'm sure if I were your sister I would always look at your son and wonder if my son were doing the same things. Maybe it seems to take some of the spotlight off your son, but it is because she has lost her child.

Doesn't adoption redefine the roles of aunt and cousin? Was this an open or closed adoption? Has anyone here grown up in an open adoption? What is your take on relatives if you have? Hey, sweet colorado if you're lurking don't be afraid. It's rude to criticize the way other people type and spell, no matter what kind of a day you had. Don't be afraid to speak up if you are still here. Most people couldn't care less how the posts look.

Some people seem to think they have a corner on the market when it comes to hurt. Adoption seems to be an equal opportunity hurter. I am surprised that few are recognizing the hurt of the op or that they consider that their experience is so much more hurtful. This has wrecked her family as she knew it. She has just as much of a loss to grieve as anyone. With grief comes anger. She has just as much of a right to vent as anyone. Hopefully with anger comes resolution and forgiveness. It is the only way that this family will come through what is happening to them and be able to function as a family.

My sister had a son the same year I gave my son up for adoption.. But I had to keep the relinquishment secret.. My sister and her husband knew nothing about what had happened.. What I find ironic is that this thread is in the birthparent support section.. I realize the original poster is new and did not understand.. I hope the original poster is still reading and has learned from this thread.. I found myself disliking my sister through the years and I ended up cutting her off.. It took a family funeral to get us back into a relationship.. And another irony is that my bson and her son (who look similar) have met up and had dinner and drinks and an evening together.. Life is so strange sometimes.. Jackie

I cannot say that I competely disagree with Paige. You will never make a harder decision in your life that is as hard as deciding to place your child for adoption. It is the bravest, most courageous, selfless and toughest choice. You do not know until you yourself are in the same place. "out of wedlock" and all. The choice had NOTHING to do with you. I do not understand why you are on this forum.

So you chose to get on this forum with other emotion-filled people and take your anger out on a person you don't even know. You, too, made assumptions about the OP. Very sad.........and also very immature. Perhaps before telling others to "GROW UP" you should take a long, hard look in the mirror. I hope I spelled all that right and grammatically correct. OP~ It is normal for sisters and grandmothers to compare babies. It is also normal for sisters to be jealous of each others children or the time allotted to them.....and that is in "normal" circumstances much less in circumstances where there are such raw emotions like in your situation. When I got pregnant with my first 14 years ago, my brother had just impregnated a girl and then 2 month later he chose to marry an ex-girlfriend who was also pregnant (not his). So here I was pregnant with my first and sharing my "spotlight" with a lonely, motherless girl my mother and I helped as much as possible, a sister-in-law who was jealous of this girl who was pregnant with her husband's child, and my mother who was caught in all the drama. As fate would have it, I was due last but had my child first thanks to an abrupted placenta and emergency csection. My mother lavished attention on my son for those few weeks that he was the only new baby. My sister-in-law's child was technically not her grandchild (my brother was not the father) and this other woman's child was her grandchild but one she didn't get to see regularly and who was used as a pawn. I was still jeaous of all the DRAMA their situation created that took time and energy from my parents that they should have had the luxury of spending on their grandchildren (namely mine-heehee). It isn't necessarily your sister or her child whom you are jealous of, but of the drama her adoption has caused that places a shadow over everything else. Truth is, she is hurting but her adoption also made what should be an ecstatic time in your life into one where you feel like "the one who got to keep hers" or you feel like you are walking on eggshells to not hurt feelings by sharing about your child. You have a right to feel cheated a little. She may not necessarily be jealous of you or your child, but of your ability to be a in situation to parent your child everyday. Whether you feel like the child is your nephew, she will view this baby as HER baby everyday of her life regardless of where it lives, who it lives with, or what they name it. Either way, just know that your feelings are not abnormal and do NOT make you immature as Paige implied.....or unkind.....just human. Allow yourself some space. Perhaps your mother will appreciate her time with your child more if it was during times when your sister is not present. And perhaps your time away will give you better perspective on the situation and the green-eyed monster will crawl back into its cave. Kim Kim

Sarah, 1. Why did you choose to post in the birth mothers forum? 2. Your statement: "I don;t even consider the child my sons cousin as he is with an amazing family and will be so much better off". You need to educate yourself - not listen to societies platitudes about how good adoption is for the child...educate yourself on reality of growing up adopted - amazing family or not. Your nephew will always be your nephew whether or not you ever acknowlege that, whatever surname he grows up with...he has the same blood and ancestors you have. I did not lose a child to adoption but lost a sons to SIDS. NO ONE can go through losing a child and then put a happy face. Family is supposed to share the good and and bad times with empathy. You need to walk in your sisters shoes but few have the strength. You need to open your heart and feel their pain and realize you have lost a family member too. Dickons

Page, what an awful and seemingly familiar story. Ugh. OP~Why is their open adoption threatening to your son? (you said you didn't want your son around those types) Do you mean the comparisons?

My sister's daughter is one day short of being one month older than the daughter I placed for adoption. So there was always the thinking about is she is doing that, then my daughter, probably is doing the same thing. But I kept these things to myself.