Birthmums: Did open adoption turn out the way you thought it would?

Do you feel that you were educated adequately about OA?No, but I don't think I had much opportunuity to be, going through a private adoption 16 years ago. If it was offered, I would have put on my "I'm fine" brave face anyway. I was big on that face. Is the experience what you thought it would be? I don't know what I thought it was going to be back then, I was kinda playing it by ear. Plus distance prohibited visits anyway. But since I've reconnected, no, it isn't how I thought it would be. I thought we would have made more progess by now. What is your relationship like with your child's mother? Complicated and confusing. I feel like I can be open with her, I'm not sure she feels the same about me. How often do you have contact with your child?I don't. Not by my choice. She isn't ready yet. Would you make the same decision again?Now in 2008? No, I would parent, even if I was not married or in a stable relationship. In 1992? Yes, because I always knew my DD would have a great life, and that I think was in part because I was able to meet the family. But somehow I wish I would have known that being a part of her life all this time would have been a help and not a hinderance, and that we both could have been counceled as to what OA meant

Do you feel that you were educated adequately about OA? [FONT="Century Gothic"]Yes[/FONT] Is the experience what you thought it would be? [FONT="Century Gothic"]Not at all[/FONT] What is your relationship like with your child's mother? [FONT="Century Gothic"]frustrating[/FONT] How often do you have contact with your child? [FONT="Century Gothic"]not as much as I would like [/FONT] Would you make the same decision again? [FONT="Century Gothic"]heck, no. You wouldn't be able to pay me to do this again.[/FONT]

Many thanks for your responses.Browneyes I too can empathise with not knowing how important it was to be a part my son's life by developing an appropriate relationship. Like you, I can attribute this to a lack of education at the beginning.Iahdh4, I'm sorry to hear that things haven't worked out the way you thought they would. You said that you were educated at the start, so is the reason for things not working out more to do with the a.parents' view of an open adoption?And, to all other birthmothers, I would really appreciate your feedback on your experience with OA - good or bad. Your feedback could help other birthmothers. This is the start of a larger project in which I want to collect the experiences of as many birthmothers, world-wide, as possible. It is very important to try and ascertain the overall level of satisfaction that birthmothers experience, and to look at why some birthmothers are happy with their experience and others are not. What are the contributing factors for this discrepancy?I personally feel exploited by the adoption system; however, I know that this is not the experience of all birthmothers. To ever achieve a time in the future where no birthmother ever experiences exploitation or a less than ideal open-adoption, it will take, in the first instance, all birthmothers uniting together and speaking out about our collective experiences.So, please leave feedback and in doing so you could be helping birthmothers that are yet to walk our walk.

I wasn't educated about OA at all...I wasn't planning on having an OA and my daughter was placed "Baby Born" so she matched aftre her birth. Her Mom requested an OA and I was told that it would be best for our daughter so I agreed. The SW was a point of contact for eleven months, but largely served as the go between for letters/pictures/etc. She never once offered to educate me on OA or offered any other services. I taught myself my reading books and joining these forums. Not at first...I thought that we would actually have an open adoption and it took a while to get that ball rolling. Now, I don't know what to expect so I guess it is how I thought it would be? Of course I picture a "perfect OA" (like anyone knows what that is!) so I know there's of course room for growth in our OA. Hmmm....that's an interesting question...we've met twice and it's gone fairly well. I think we have respect for each other and our roles. I think that we have the possibility to grow closer as our OA develops. My daughter is only 16 months so contact with her is mostly contact with her Mom at this point. We e-mail sporadically, about every couple months, and have had two visits that were spaced six months apart (though I don't know if that's now a "set" type of schedule and will push for another visit this summer so that we're not in that pattern...her Mom seemed open to a visit during the summer). I will be interested in seeing how those numbers change as my daughter grows older and perhaps has more of an opinion in the matter. Yes. I consider myself very luck to have D as my daughters Mom, even though I've been known to complain from time to time. Things aren't perfect, but we're both trying (I think!)

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I would say it is a little of them and alot of their parents who are from the "old school" and don't understand why I just don't go away.[/FONT]