bsibling seeking advice from anybody since I'm a bit clueless

Stay out of negative thinking.. keep standing back and see what is really happening.. How is your mother doing? I think there should be a web site or threads or something for siblings of adoptees that knew nothing about them.. Jackie

You are wonderful. Start of list of fantasies of life with a new sister, it may be the greatest gift she could receive if you choose to ever share it with her. When you meet tell her your hopes and fears and see what happens - she has her own hopes and fears - it may be the best way to start...bare honest feelings. Good luck,Dickons

Your Bsis is so lucky and blessed to have you waiting and willing to recieve her with open arms. I wish such had been the case for me. My bsib actually accused me of "trying to "claim" their mother". Meanwhile I have an amom who I love more than words could describe. Your on the right track and even though it is alot to proccess and it has happened so fast the great thing is that you are understanding and willing to allow her to take the lead and do it in her time. It is very hard for adoptees especially if they have loving relationships with their afamily. Sometimes they feel like in a way they are somehow betraying their afamily.. I think that your bsis is going to be so relieved and happy that you have reached out to her and accept her. You sound like a wonderful likable person, I ll bet you two will get along great. EZ

Thankyou for your replies, people. Jackie: I totally agree with you re assessing what is happening. And I also agree about resources for siblings; I found that while the net contained lots of useful information about bmums, akids and aparents, sibling stuff was a little bit thinner on the ground. Yet, as a sibling, I feel completely affected by this. I am glad I found this forum though, that's for sure. This won't be the last time I'll be asking for ideas :) To answer your question regarding my mother and how she's doing: That's a tough one. Decades of substance abuse mean that she has a degree of brain-damage with some cognitive changes. Unable to care for herself, she lives in an aged-care hostel. I recognize that this event has been huge for her, but then her mind wanders and it's as if she hardly knows what we were talking about. To be honest, when she first told me about my asister, I was not sure she was telling the truth. She has spun some pretty wild yarns in the past, sometimes losing the thread between fact and fantasy. I'm not being hard on her, it's just the way things are. I recognize there are implications for my adopted sister in this...at first, I was absolutely distraught about what she's going to find; I wanted it to be "perfect" for her. But then I realize too that she has probably been primed to accept whatever she finds, and that even if it isn't wonderful she may just wish to know. I do hope that if she is disappointed or hurt in any way, perhaps having me and my other bsister (who is also willing to meet asis) in the picture might be at least some comfort. Question: I wonder what you people think about me diplomatically wording asister up should the opportunity arise? Should I do that or does that consitute inappropriate interference? Sorry, I'm just blindly feeling my way around this. I have no wish to take anything away from her or, indeed, my mother. Certainly it wouldn't involve saying bad things about my mother, just putting it in the bald terms of health problems that make her sometimes uncommunicative. Dickons: Thankyou for being so affirming :) It certainly helps to know that nobody here seems to think my feelings/fantasies mean I'm being weird. One day, perhaps asister and I will have a laugh over them. There are little pockets of humour in this too: For the last few days, I have kept repeating her name to myself; exhaling it under my breath as I peg out washing; murmuring it before I go to sleep; sighing it as I drive kids to school. It's as if my mind and mouth are trying to get used to that name. And then I wondered if, when she finds out about me, she'll go around muttering "Louise, Louise" obsessively. That made me laugh. EZ, I hope it isn't forward of me to offer you a (((((hug))))). I'm so sorry your bsister has responded to you in this way. I suppose it's fortunate that, having had quite a difficult time with my mother due to reasons I described to Jackie above, I don't feel as if I have any affection or love to compete for. Hell, though, I'd like to think that even if it had been different, there would still be room for asister to come in and be heard. People have all sorts of responses, don't they - which doesn't make it any easier for you. I'd love to know how you've responded to that. Here's my take: Re accepting my asister: What's not to accept? She's a fact; a person, it's not her fault we shared the same womb and I just don't see her as being less entitled to anything than me just because I was kept. When I read about how some adopted people get rejected by siblings, I felt the most insane drive to hurry up and let her know that that ain't going to happen here (although I'd acknowledge that might not even be a concern for her). Anyway, thanking you good folks again for sharing your wisdom with me. Louise

I have a sister that was placed for adoption a couple of years before I was born. My mother had two children, then gave birth to her and placed her for adoption, and then a few years later, married my dad and had me and my younger sister. My mom told me about it when I was like 16. I was totally shocked and wanted to find her right away. I told my older sister and we have been fantasizing about her ever since. I'm 34 now. I really want to know what she looks like and how her life was. I wonder where she lives and if she has children. I wonder what she does for a living and if she thinks about us. The only thing from stopping us from finding her is the fact that my mom does not wish to go there. At the time my mom had just left her husband, was dating someone else and then horribly was raped by a man who was renting her a room. She did not know who the father was and at one point her ex threatened to take the kids unless she came back. He forced her to place the child for adoption and that was that. According to her, they told the whole family that the baby died. Horrible. She thinks things are better left in the past and I can see how it is painful for her so we figure we can't push. I would do almost anything to know her. So I wish you luck! This is very exciting! Let us know if you hear from her.

Louise66 I am glad she is in a place where she is cared for.. Your mom relinquished in 1960 (from your first post) so I guess she tuned in and dropped out.. or got into the drug world big time.. and never got out.. I did drugs from /68 to /85.. But I could not do the heavy stuff.. like coke.. Speed was the scary drug in /69 /70.. Friends of our died.. and their minds went.. so I understand.. I can remember the first time I told my best friend about relinquishing bson.. I was stoned on acid and I thought this is what I was supposed to do.. acid being the truth drug or something like that.. It became part of the insanity of the drug so I understand that as well.. I had to tell my bson that I was heavy into drugs for a period in my life.. I did not want to tell him.. I wanted to be the perfect birthmom.. I wanted to be liked and accepted.. his world is so different from mine.. I do not think I can fit into his.. I do not try.. In the long run I believe that reunion is getting to know someone that is attachedђ to you on terms of family.. connections.. Like getting to know a relative or a cousin.. sometimes you get on and sometimes a person does not.. Truth.. I had to tell the truth.. It was so hard.. so incredibly hard but I did it.. and I personally think it is incredibly important.. Your truth communicated to her.. This keeps you in who you are.. so you can eventually have a relationship if it all works out. There were times when I played with not being who I really am.. and it did not work.. our first visit in my bson home my husband told my bson that he still did drugs.. and that we were into drugs in the past.. I nearly died.. I did not want that to come out.. And I worried that my bson would keep the kids away from me because of this.. But it is who I am.. and I need to accept this.. the consequences of my actions and all that.. I was one of the lucky ones.. I came out of it all in one piece.. I was very lucky.. Also I did not go into the drugs that I knew would rob me.. BethanyB Such a difficult situation.. I am so sorry.. And it is not fair to you.. not for one second is it fair.. Jackie

I have been in reunion for 6yrs w/ my little brother who was given up when I was 2yrs old. Its not easy at all. We live about 3 hours a a part and have seen each other 3 times in that 6yrs. He calls one day wanting a sister and then he ignores me for months. I can never depend on him to call, show, or be part of my life. Still he says he does think of me as a sister. Now my son is about to be born and I have set down rules for him. Either he is in our lives or he isn't. I don't want my son thinking he has an uncle that doesn't really exist. I guess that I am saying is.... You can go into it all w/ hopes and dreams, but in the end you just have to be patient and let things work out in time. For us 6yrs is still not enough time. I'd like to add that our birthmother is NOT part of our relationship at all. My relationship w/ him is between the two of us. Maybe you should try that since your mom has issues.

When I located my bson, my other two children already knew of his existence. I think that made it easier for them. They were actually present when D and I met for the first time. (He knew they would be there.) My daughter said later that she had expected the meeting to be awkward but had felt very comfortable. In some ways, I think it was easier for the siblings. (After all, one may have many siblings, but what do you do with another "mother".) The relationships between D and my children are a work in progress. Sometimes they are in contact more often than others. D has a bbrother on his bdad's side who is not ready to meet him yet, but they are in contact by email, I think.I would point out that in your original post you said that your bsister asked about siblings. It sounds like she will be interested in at least meeting you. This is a journey (like the rest of life); most often around here we talk about the rollercoaster! Emotions can be all over the place... welcome to the land of Adoption! You are open to meeting your sibling, that's the first step!

I am hoping to read a good news update... Kind regards,Dickons