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Roller, I haven't read all the posts, but I also wanted to ask what you and your wife's relationship is with her aparents? What about the relationship (if any) between the aparents and bparents? My DH wrote to his birth mom several months back and has not heard anything. Although I am sad for his sake, in a way (this is going to sound terrible and I would not say this to him) it is somewhat of a "relief." I have a hard time juggling all the obligations with his family and my family. I don't know how i would feel if I didn't like or respect his birth mom or family. Hang in there. I hope especially for the sake of your son that the graduation day goes smoothly... Also, I don't know if someone suggested this yet, but is there anyway you could maybe have counseling WITH your DW's birth mom. We had friends who had a horrible inlaw situation and that actually helped.
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r0ller: I don't know the ending of this saga - nor do I have a right to give you any advice. I just wanted to say that I think it is commendable that you have put enough support behind your wife to get on this board, and to educate yourself to try to understand what she is going through. Obviously this is not easy, yet you continue to pursue an answer that would make everyone happy - which is **** near impossible sometimes. I also think that it is admirable that your moral compass is such that you do not want your family subjected to this type of behavior. As I would venture to say if it were the amom behaving in this manner, you would do/feel the same. Which when drilled down has nothing to do with the adoption issue at all IMHO - you are protecting your family. my two cents...
Well, it was a very stressful weekend, but we all managed to get through it. My wife's b-mom did attend both the party and the graduation. I welcomed her into the house, and that was it. I was polite, and spoke to her when I needed to in order not to be rude, but I didn't go out of my way to start any conversations or jump into any ones that she was involved in. Basically, we kept our distance from each other, and it was seemed to work out OK. I'm not going to do it again until another major event comes up, so I'll be OK until then.
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Hello, everyone. I have a problem regarding adoptees/birth families that doesn't seem to be commented on much (at least, I couldn't find much using the search function), so I'm hoping that I can get some desperately needed help. My wife was adopted as an infant in 1966. Her birth parents later married (divorced a few years later) and she has 2 full birth brothers, and also a birth half sister from the birth father's second marriage. My wife (then girlfriend) initiated the contact, and found all of her birth family when she was 18. There were rocky patches in the beginning, dealing mainly with the boundaries of the relationship. My wife and I were married in 1988, and her birth family was invited. The problems began when my first son was born in 1990, when the birth mother began to overstep her boundaries again, like saying "come to Grandma" after being told specifically not to do it. Things got worse, and in 1996, my wife and her birth mother were on "Oprah" on a show dealing with reunions, and it was a fiasco, with accusations of lying, yelling, name calling, you name it. My wife broke off all contact after that for a few years, but re-established it. The birth mother had re-married to a wonderful man that I really liked, and who I thought would be good for her. (To be honest, I never really liked her or my wife's birth brothers. They're all very shallow, materialistic, arrogant, vain, etc.) During all of this, I tried to support my wife as best I could. I told her that since I was not adopted, I obviously couldn't identify with a lot of her feelings, but if she asked for my advice, I gave it. I never tried to steer her in any direction, nor did I criticize any of her decisions. The problems with me and her birth family started when her birth mother went back to her home town for a high school reunion, met her high school sweetheart, spent the week having an affair with him, then came back and told her husband she wanted a divorce. The poor guy had no warning at all. In fact, she had told her mother-in-law the previous weekend that she could see her self in love with this man for another 50 years. The whole thing sickened me, and for the first time, I took an active part in the adoptee birth family relationship, and told my wife that it would be best if she ended the relationship with her birth mother, and my wife agreed. We decided together that the birth mother was simply not the kind of person that we wanted contact with. So, a few years ago, my wife again tries to start the relationship, but this time I started to make my wishes known. I said that I didn't want her or my children to have any contact with the birth mother, but if she did, I would have no part in it. If they wanted to meet, it would be somewhere besides our house, and I wasn't going to take part in any events that involved her birth family. Since then, there have been several events involving the birth family that the rest of my family has been involved in (weddings, reunions, etc.) but I have not participated. The birth family has been to our house several times, but I have not been there. My wife has called me, un-Christian, selfish, evil, etc., for not fully accepting her birth family. My question to all of you out there is: do I, as the spouse, have any say at all in how I deal with this relationship? It seems apparent that no one in the adoptee or birth family should be pushed into a situation that they don't like, nor should they be made to feel guilty if they do not want contact. Do these rules apply at all to spouses? Don't I deserve the same considering in dealing with her birth family as she has? If I don't want the contact, shouldn't my wishes be considered? This situation is placing a serious strain on our marriage, to the point that I am considering divorce, because I'm not sure I can continue being berated for my feelings, nor can I see myself fully accepting her birth family any time soon the way she wants. I hope I didn't offend anyone with this. Sometimes the dynamics of adoption and reunion can have a huge effect on others outside the main players, and I just don't know how to proceed from here.