Now she needs me?

Rose, I am a birthmother. I have to say that after reviewing many postings on this site and on others, it seems that this back and forth can be pretty normal in reunions. Even the anger and bickering. I think it is a huge struggle for all parties involved. I have not been blessed with a reunion yet. However, I would like to think that if I was lucky enough to experience one that if it became this difficult... I would seek professional counseling to help me sort out everything. I think it is likely that you are going to have to set some very clear guidelines, even if they are just in your mind, about what level of participation you are going to have with her and your new grandchild. I hope that her coming back into your life, even if it seems more of a convenience for her at this time, is an opportunity for you two to turn this reunion around and have a positive and lasting relationship.

Rose, I have experienced this myself in the course of my relationship with my daughter. She has cut me off from herself and her family 3 times in the course of 10 years. Each time she starts communicating again, it has been progressively harder to "trust" that she will not hurt me again. I know that feeling of "how long will this last THIS time"... I have made the decision to be open to her for however long she wants me as a part of her life. But that is a decision we each need to make for ourselves. I am SO sorry you are being put through this too. PM me if you need. I wish you peace of mind. Soprano

I'm sighing a relief. I'm not the only one. Course I know this but I'm limited to as where and whom I can turn to. I appreciate how one must feel when they desire to be in reunion, I see it all over the boards and my heart goes out to each one. I wish I had a magic wand to make everything better for all members of the triad. I know my rants are just that. I feel safe coming here to vent... and communicate with others who share my pain, happiness, grief etc. I have talked to professionals because of my situation and reasons for placement. I'm fine with their opinions but they have not experienced any of this first hand. I think some think its just textbook knowledge.. this is this and one should feel this way or that...stage one to stage 5 etc. I just want answers from ones who have been there done that. I'd love to ask all the adoptees the same questions and have tons of answers until my heart was content. I want a make-believe replica of my daughter to answer and say this is why I treat you this way... this is how I feel about you. This is where I see you in my life. I want answers but with our history, I cant just be blunt and ask. She is very emotional and .... you'd just have to read my original posts about her. I'd love to have answers from Birthmothers who would say to me.. I have gone through this same situation, this is what I did, and here's the end product. Wouldn't it be nice if that was reality. You ladies will never know how much this site has meant to me. Ive not been here in awhile but its seems its here just when I need it. Sometimes its a little ghostly, no activity, but I'm okay with reading old posts. I think Ive read them all.. I'm writing a journal online and hopes that it helps me to vent and sort my feelings. Amazing how therapeutic that can be. I wish I could find her blogs and sneak into her mind... gosh I think Im losing it. I'm just being honest. I'm going to ponder my thoughts for awhile. I'll be back and hopefully things will be brighter. Thanks again. Rose

Rose, I am much older than your daughter and, of course, have no idea what is going on in her mind. But I will share how I felt as an adoptee. Mine was a closed adoption and I really had no hope that I would ever know my bmom. I had great aparents and it was just a part of my life- nothing I really thought much about. Until I was pregnant with my first child. That was the time I truly missed my bmom and thought more about her at that time than ever before. You see, I was going thru the only thing I knew we had in common. And, the only thing, my amom couldn't tell me about. While all the other girls were talking about when "my mom was pregnant", I had no clue. I felt very isolated. I never blamed my bmom for anything and believed that I always understood why. But when I was pregnant and had my daughter, I felt what she had gone thru and my heart cried for her. Obviously this may not be at all the same since she knows you, but it may why she is feeling particularly close to you. Congratulations - I certainly hope this time is great for all of you. Jill

I'm an adoptee... Being pregnant brings all the hormones to the surface...being in the same situation you were in may have finally brought forward feelings of true empathy for what you went through that...fingers crossed....can make a real turning point in your reunion. That is my wish for you. Kind regards,Dickons

I just typed this up for Rylee in another thread.. but I think it applies here as well.. From a very wise woman.. Melody Beattie.. Her daily reader.. The Language of Letting Go.. page 351 Letting Go

“How much do we need to let go of?” a friend asked one day.

“I’m not certain,” I replied, “but maybe everything.”

Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to so tightly.

We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires – everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, its important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But its equally important to follow through by letting go.

Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we’re meant to have.

Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn’t helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn’t helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.

Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?

There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does.

Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.

Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.

Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.. I think letting go of past experiences is important.. today is today.. and maybe she won't hurt you this time.. maybe this new baby may be what will bridge the gap.. heal some wounds.. Jackie

Yes the replies did help. Esp mentioning she may know how I felt as an unwed mother. So far I've had 3 family friends tell me from their view that she might be "using" me. All have mentioned what I apparently knew in my heart but was unwilling to admit. I'm being told from her what she needs for the nursery but hasn't mentioned one time what her parents will be taking care of. She knows that I'm very generous when it comes to gifts etc. And after I offer to help with certain items, all is well. I'm holding back as far as sending anything and just see how the communication goes, or how long it lasts. I dont remember much about hormones and the emotions, but I'm trying to be understanding but Im so on guard right now. I'm ashamed of how I feel one day, and want to forget the whole situation the next. I dont like feeling like Im being played. I wouldnt take this from a stranger and she is actually like a stranger or distant relative you never knew. I'm trying my best under the circumstances. Send me a prayer ladies, I so need it. I hope I wrong about all this and she is finally ready to build a trusting and loving, friendly relationship. I'm not going to replace her mom but I could be a good friend to her. Rose

Rose You've been in and out and tossed up and down by the sound of your post. Whew....no wonder you run out of trust. I think you need to set those personal boundaries. Work out how much you want instead of reacting when she whistles. We all want to be needed and it's so hard to say .....I'll help out but only with as much time / gifts / emotional involvement as I have reserved for you. Set your own personal boundaries and stick to them. (Yeah...I know...Easy to say - Harder to do And you know ...grandchildren are wonderful. They give another dimension to family. Ann

It really makes me crazy when money comes into the picture with reunions. IT needs to stay out of it...period. Don't give her money, just give her a friendship. The reality is she probaly has no idea what she wants/needs out of thisrealtionship. Thats why the push/ pull. If you are in a closed adoption you are brought up from the time you can think to beleive that "family" is the people you live with. You live that life with the knowledge that yes, there is another family out there somewhere but they are just a vague thought. The daily family, sort of spaeak is the ones you spent childhood, teen, college, marriage. The are the reality. Then comes reuion and there is an expectation that this person is going to just be able to assimilate themseoves into another family because thats what is expected of them. If in fact they feel differntlty the "hurt" factor comes in. If in fact they do want to assimalte the HURt" factor comes in for the adoptive family. The push Pull between adoptive and birth families is a HUGE factor in either a reunion making it or not. As an adoptee and in reunion at the age of 28(many years ago) I got so tirred of thinking about everyone elsein my life that wanted a piece of me, and wanted it on their terms. It was hard. And at the same time I was in a career, fairly newly married and having my own family. Evryone else made sure to validate the other position in the traid..."you have to understand" was a common comment. You have to understand the other position. While of of that may have been true nobody thought about the fact that I was in this position of trying to figure out wher I belonged. only one person got that and it was my birth half brother. Everyone else attempted to tell me how to feel based upon their own thoughts and needs. It was very difficult and I ddin't realize how difficult until I look baclk on it today. No matter what the situation was I was "given away" and as much as I COULD understand the reasons why it was still a fact. I was not with my biologicalfamily. 28 years down the road in my quest to find ut how it all fits in for me and my children I have the added burden of having the ability to hurt the very ones responsible for my existance and my upbringing. It caused a huge pit of fear within me that I could not verbalize, I could not identify. It was just there. The easiet thing to do was to push away ans stay within my own comfort zone. That comfort zone being my adoptive family and my husband and children. Did I want it that way ..no...my fantasy was that both families would care enough to put their own hurts and desires aside for me. It didn't happen. Lots of communication was lost because I made the decsion to protect myself. Was that selfish? I don't think so. None of it was intentional. It was all done as a copingmechanism for myself. When I hear these stories of adoptees backing out and families(wheter birth or adoptive) accusing them of using them, or hurting them, or demanding they act a certian way toward them or else it brings that same feeling back for me. ESpecially when the adoptee is a teen or youg adult. Really if a birthmother can not accept the little bit the adoptee is able to give(just because they were born andrelinqishe) then maybe it is best to just give the owed information to the child(medical, heritage, family) and close it back up. It may protect you but most importantly it allows the person that was given away the ability to live their life without the burden of the fear of hurting someone.

My husbands B-daughter sent an email out of the blue when she was 7 months along lashing out at us and tearing us down for not sending a gift to her baby shower that her friends had for her. ( we had not heard from her in months) We had gotten an invitation in the mail from the friend giving the party just one week before the shower.... and we live almost 2 thousand miles away.....we had planned to send our gifts right after the baby was born to their home and flowers to the hospital etc....and we figured since the baby was not due for awhile we had plenty of time to take our time and shop for special things we wanted to give, and we then explained that to her... also we had just figured baby showers usually are just for the people that live nearby....and can come to it.... arent they???? but she was soooo angry that we did not send it then, specifically to the shower and really chewed us out, it was the first thing we had heard from her in months! and even though earlier we had sent some lovely handmade ( with Last name embroidered ) baby blankets and other little special things, a couple months previous that she did not even acknowledge after we sent them, until we called her a couple weeks later and asked her ourselves if she had recieved them. she had.anyway we were just so shocked and puzzled about her behavior towards us.... I mean, who "demands" a gift ?!!! nobody I have known.... whoooa !!so we thought maybe her hormones were getting the best of her....as it was just so weird !!! so.... you may want to keep that in mind also....that hormones get a little out of wack during this time.although it still does not give them a right to be rude and demanding !

Dpen6~!!!! THANK YOU! that's what I'm needing to hear. Some may think it was harsh but its the reality I want. I want the truth. Yes I battle with the thoughts of pushing her, demanding her. Fear her mom is pushing and pulling.. her being torn between families. I will so much give thought today with your words. Even if someone screams at me and tells me what I am doing wrong.. I want to hear it.. the praise is good too, but if someone cant give insight, I just wont be able to see... yesterday I spoke with two more friends and they agree that its strange that she wants nothing to do with us until she is pregnant. They are fearful for me that I will indulge again, only to be hurt or rejected again. Yes I agree money needs to say out of the picture. In the beginning I would send gifts that I thought would be thoughtful, photo album so she would know who was who, precious moment figures that seem to be themed on her interests etc. I didn't over flow but just tried to make her feel loved, not bought. Her striking back at me I guess was her way of fighting her own emotions and trying to self defend. And I was in the cross fire. I'm sure she has a right to feel abandoned esp from the conception situation (rape). I hope there is a good future for us. I think we need more communication and openness. I hope as she matures, she will be able to open herself to our family and share her own. She does have good parents. Rainmon, I appreciate the forewarn... I'm sorry that you was hit with an email that hurt everyone. I'm crossing fingers and toes that I wont have that happen, but if it does, I can't say I wasn't warned. LOL! Its not funny but at times you have to sit back and laugh or lose it. This weekend was stressful but I have found that confiding in my husband has been a great help. Even when he dont know what to say, just holding my hand on the front porch swing and just being near seems to help. Again. Thanks again to all... I'll keep posted on more when I get a chance. Rose

I agree that was rude and demanding. That is total lack of respect. I honestly don't see here here adoption is the problem here. Unless she equates gifts with love. that I don't get. No, birthparent should have to put up with that kind of rudness...ever.

Rose, THANK yoy for taking my post in the vein it was intended. Thats how I felt as an adoptee and it had nothing to do with either. set of parents. 99% of the tie I don't ean to be harsh.