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Hello everybody,
I initially posted about my situation [URL="http://forums.adoption.com/birth-family-support/332905-bsibling-seeking-advice-anybody-since-im-bit-clueless.html"]here.[/URL] Dickons, thankyou for your interest in more information. I've been planning to come back and update you all.
My asis wrote a lovely letter to me which I was thrilled to get. She enclosed a phone number, so the same evening I called her. It was....moving and strange; not like speaking to a sister....but much, MUCH more than speaking to a stranger. I feel that I succeeded in giving her truthful information about our family (in which there has been a lot of substance abuse/child abuse) without inappropriate disclosure. I would never want to "poison the well" between her and my mother. Yet, while choosing my words carefully, I sort of realized I didn't have the right to protect her - this is her journey of truth. She seems to me to have very damaged self-esteem but I don't want to engage in dimestore psychology.
What was particularly touching for me was that she seemed unable to believe affirming statements I made, or that she was truly welcomed so much. She expressed that she knew it was hard for me too, and thanked me for my "generosity." I told her that I didn't feel I was being particularly generous; I actually WANT to know her and finding out about her was to me sort of a lottery win. She couldn't believe it. There was a sharp intake of breath, and she said, "really?" I could hear her turning that over in her mind. Pardon my French, but from what she said I think she has had the **** scared out of her by some of the literature.
Another thing that was weird, funny and moving was the bet-hedging we were both doing. We could both hear eachother tiptoeing around what to say.
I feel more settled because she is now a more known quantity; I'm no longer scared she doesn't want anything to do with me. I guess, while I'll play an active role in moving things where appropriate, I don't feel such an urgency to rush and do this that and the other; events will unfold as they will.
She was so hungry and thirsty for knowledge, which I can understand. She was completely fascinated by details I gave her. She said "I can't believe I'm speaking to somebody related by blood" and that made me think of how much I take for granted.
We are meeting in July, and I want to make her a family tree binder with her in it.
I am a bit apprehensive as to how things will play out; part of me thinks if it doesn't work, it doesn't. But another part thinks, "That's your flesh and blood. You must do your level best to ensure it works."
I sent her a greeting card thanking her for our talk with a Bastard Nation pendant in it (I bought us both one in her honour). I'd been going to write that I'd call her in a few days but decided instead to invite her to call me when the urge hits. I don't want to seem pushy.
Can anybody relate? I thank you this wonderful community for the insights you've given me thus far.
Louise x
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I am a bmother who recently reunited with my DD. I can relate to a couple of things. I agree that the literature may have scared her. I have been reading it and the forums and some of the reunions that did not go well really scare you. My DD and I have been taking it slow and things have been going well. We have e-mailed and we also plan to meet in July. I am glad that you are giving her a chance. Did you know about her prior to the contact? Because I beleive that that can really make a difference. There is a good chance that your reunion will go well and I think those that have great reuinions do not feel the need to get on the forums, etc and talk about it. That is why there seems to be more negative. If all goes great stay here and let everyone know that reunion can be a good thing
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I agree with Stuart.
I am a year in reunion with my mother and there have been times where I have read the forums and have been scared by what I have read.
Draw a line.
Do not discount the stories of others, as you can learn much but...
...always approach your sister in compassion, patience and love and things can and will work out. If you feel yourself frightened, angry or confused, take a deep breath and remember...patience, compassion and love.
It can and does work out.
Kim
Thank you for giving me a good post to read. You have an amazing ability to feel how others feel. Just reading your post made how I feel valid, the shock and awe of talking to a blood relative is a feeling of absolute joy that you never thought would happen. You have true empathy and your sister is very lucky to have you. One quick point that you want her to call you...she may fear being to pushy - wanting too much. Make a point of touching base within a short time as she may be too afraid of bothering you...I'm that way and expect other adoptees may feel the same... Thank you for the good news and may you and your sister become true soul sisters even if you did not grow up together. Cheers!Dickons
Dickons, you are a honey and very perceptive (no doubt based on experience). I was standing on a chair in my kitchen polishing wineglasses yesterday when my husband handed me the phone. It was asis, saying that she had been scared to call back because she didn't want to seem pushy, but she took the plunge. I'm so glad she did. Bugger the wineglasses, we had a 2 hour conversation...I observed our interaction "evolving" to another, perhaps deeper level. We are both so passionately interested in eachother's journeys! And she's really compassionate; she apoligized for scars of my own she may have opened and I told her not to give herself a moment's more grief over it. I'm glad she's come back to us. Still a trifle surreal that I was walking around 4 weeks ago completely oblivious to this women's existence.
Good Lord! I told her I have a 750+ CD collection and asked her what music she liked. She said her all time favourite was Jethro Tull. Musically eclectic as I like to think I am, I wouldn't know Jethro Tull if he/she/they jumped up and bit me on my not insubstantial backside. Time for some familiarization. I don't suppose anybody has suggestions about defining JT songs I should be listening to?
Will update in future x
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Dickons
Thank you for giving me a good post to read. You have an amazing ability to feel how others feel. Just reading your post made how I feel valid, the shock and awe of talking to a blood relative is a feeling of absolute joy that you never thought would happen. You have true empathy and your sister is very lucky to have you. One quick point that you want her to call you...she may fear being to pushy - wanting too much. Make a point of touching base within a short time as she may be too afraid of bothering you...I'm that way and expect other adoptees may feel the same... Thank you for the good news and may you and your sister become true soul sisters even if you did not grow up together. Cheers!Dickons
Well I would have thought that an "Aqualung" was something that helps you breathe under water but I now know it's an acidy little affair about a man on a park bench. I didn't know that anybody beyond 6-tyear-olds sings about snotty noses though :) My JT education has begun.
Dpen, what was beyond me from the very beginning was how it's possible to resent somebody for existing. My asister has as much right as anybody else to be in the world and to know about her roots. And you're right; she's been very worried about who she might hurt.
Birdeez, I do hope you'll hear something one day...
I'm finding at this point that I'm trying to be careful of investing too much emotionally. I won't say I haven't invested at all; I couldn't stop myself. I just don't want to go to deeply into needing anything.
Thankyou, people.
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And you know what else? I said in my intitial post that I'd been having weird fantasies about calling her by a shortened version of her name as we open a beer. I confessed that to her, and she said not only that I could call her by that shortened version of her name, but that in July it will be over a bottle of grog. White wine in this case; it's what she likes :) So fantasies do come true at least sometimes.