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Assuming that you would choose adoption again (Yes, I recognize that many of us have said we wouldn't!), what would you do differently if you knew then what you know know? What decisions made after adoption would you change?
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I do not think I could go through placing a child again, but given the same circumstances as I was in at the time, I would make the same choice. I've often thought that I would like to have had the option of an open adoption, but it wasn't available at the time I placed. Still, when I really think about it, I don't believe I could have handled an OA at that time. I had semi-open, but didn't really know that's what it was. They really didn't call it that at the time. I think if I could do anything differently, I would have wanted more information exchanged on a more regular basis. I don't mean just from the aparents, but that I would have been able to give more, too. I also wish I would have known better what to expect from hospital workers, especially the nurses, many of whom were rude and inappropriate towards me because they knew I was planning to place my child.
My difference would be OA as well. Not because I think it's easier but I do think it's healthier. I know my parents would have supported me and because of that I believe I could survive the ups and downs at a young age.
But seeing as OA didn't exist (for the most part) if I had to do it under the same circumstances (no OA) I would have recieved counceling. I struggled for a good 15+ years after the adoption before I realized I needed help.
If open adoption had been available in 1972, I would definitely have chosen it. I think if my son had known me, as well as his birthfather, while he was growing up, he wouldn't have felt so out of place in his adoptive family. His personality and temperment just never "clicked" with his family, and he says that he always felt different...the odd man out. While I understand that OA is for the benefit of the child, I think it would have been much healthier for me too. Not knowing whether your child is dead or alive and whether he's happy or not is beyond words.
I agree with Oceans about the counseling part. The only thing, though, is if I had had any type of counseling at all, I most likely would never have surrendered my child to adoption...
Honestly, I wish I didn't place my daughter. BUT with that being said, if I still had to the only thing I would change is the aparents I chose. I wish I has thought a little more about what was important to ME and just about "the first nice couple that came along". Basically I wish I had picked someone that was closer to my views and values.
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I'm not going to say that I wouldn't have placed, because I just don't know, but I do know that I would have:
1. not had the adoptive parents at the hospital
2. I would have breastfed
3. I would have taken T home for a week prior to signing TPR to say goodbye and to really think my decision over
4. I wish I would have forced myself to look into the option of parenting.
The only thing I would have changed is I would have spent a few days with her and the adoptive family after she was born. I wish we had all gotten a couple hotel rooms for a few nights so we could have had a more relaxed time, rather than the 26 hours in the hospital with nurses and social workers and visitors running around the whole time.
That being said, my counselor did a great job of helping me plan a pretty good birth and placement plan and working through a lot of open adoption details. We have had a remarkably smooth trip and there isn't a lot that I would change.
if I truly had it to do over again...
I would have slowed the whole thing down. I chose to place my daughter up for adoption on March 15, 1990 and she was born May 1, 1990. So it was a total worldwind of a situation. I would have just slowed things down and thought more carefullya bout what was going on and what it would mean for me and my daughter. I would have made sure I had the complete 90 days to term the TRp instead of the 21 I had. And above all else i would have chosen one of the several family members willing to take her instead of the total strangers that did.
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Jennasmom good point. My son was born on the 19th and I think I made the decision on the 25th (under pressure). I guess I never really thought about it before he was born - denial isn't just a river in Africa. Since I've met him I know that I did the right thing for him but me - not so much. Then again, that's what a true "mom" does, right? I'm glad that almost 30 years later there is more emphasis on what is right for both the mom and the child.
I wish I had enjoyed the days in the hospital with him. I felt pressured to ignore him/leave him the nursery so that it would "be easier for me". When, in reality, the exact opposite is true. I did force them to let me hold him one time, but wish I had a bigger voice for myself back then and insisted on more.
The "knocked me out" so I woudn't see D... My mother and I walked to the nursery one day to see him. (It bothered my Dad, but he came too -- his only comment: he's jaundiced.) I did insist on seeing him again when I signed the final papers. It was the ONLY time I held him, and fed him. If I had the opportunity, I would have kept him with me. If I could change anything else, it would be first that D would have gone to his parents directly from the hospital. (Somehow I didn't know until final papers that he was in foster care. His parents didn't get him until Oct. 31--he was born Oct. 4) Second, I would want at least a semi-open so that I didn't spend 30 + years wondering if he were alive or dead.
I was 14 when I became pregnant - 15 when I gave birth and surrendered. I didn't want to have an abortion so I convinced my mom that I should be allowed to go through the pregnancy if I would give the baby up. Determined to be a "good girl" and win back my parents approval, I did what I promised - believing I was being mature and noble but putting my baby ahead of myself. I wish I had pressed the social worker for options for me to raise my child - perhaps with us both in a foster care situation.I wish I had received counseling - before and after the surrender.I wish I had known how adoption might affect him and me - even decades later.I wish I had believed in myself more.Robyn
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I would have asked more questions. I would have taken more control. Why didn't I demand to look at parent profiles? Why didn't I demand to spend more time with my baby in the hospital? Why didn't I demand that he at least get to have the name I had for him in the hospital? Why, why, why?
I'm a smart woman. I didn't develop smarts after I placed, I always had them...why was I such a wimp?
If I had it to do over again, I would find my backbone and ask the questions. If only we could rewind...
If I had to do it all again, I would still put my son up for adoption because eventhough my heart is still breaking, I truly believe I did the right thing for him.
I also look at it this way, I was able to give someone the greatest gift life has to offer, the gift of life, love, happiness and completion.
The only thing I would have done different was to ask for updated pictures and information.
One more added punch is now that I am older, I am on the other side of the coin and have adopted a son. He is the world to me and his birthmom is my Angel from God. Knowing how I feel about my birthson, I make an extra effort to keep in touch with my adopted son's birthmom and he knows her as Mommy M.... I know her heart was broken too and that is why I make sure to send her pictures and video's. One day, we are planning a trip to see her. Thanks to her, I am now the Mom I knew I could be. My adopted son is my life and one day I hope to have another adopted child and find my birthson, which I am now looking for.