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My DH contacted his bmom almost 6 months ago (I think it was a very lovely, "non-needy" letter) and it included pix of our family, etc. To date he has not heard back from her. I have heard of birth parents contacting their children and never hearing back from them....and birth parents contacting a parents and a parents contacting birth parents, etc. and also never hearing back. I just wonder is there something "beyond" adoption that would cause people to behave so "rudely"? I know adoption is a totally "loaded" subject but at least for our family, I am kind of p'd off that DH's bmom has not at least had the common courtesy to say, "Thank you for your letter. I am glad to hear you are doing well. I cannot have contact because..." I am just venting a bit (and I know I am not an adoptee or a birth mom where I haven't had to process loss as a result of adoption), but I'm still wondering how people can just not respond AT ALL?
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My birthmother didn't answer multiple letters sent to her by the confidential intermediary that handled my search. The only reason she finally called back was that the CI tried to reach her at another address, which was actually her mother's (who didn't know about me). She called to ask the CI to stop this. What she actually said was, "I can neither confirm nor deny that I had a baby, but I want you to stop contacting me and my family."
It seems to me that she buried the experience of my birth and relinquishment so deep inside her that she can barely deal with it now. Maybe your DH's birthmother is even trying to deny to herself that it happened, by ignoring your DH's letters. Trying to keep it buried, afraid of what would happen if she even acknowledged that part of her past by answering your DH's letter.
It's frustrating, I know. I hope your DH gets an answer - something better than being neither confirmed nor denied!
I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all. Even if you couldn't emotionally handle extended contact, how hard is it to acknowledge a letter? Just an acknowledgment? LA, I hate it that your husband is left wondering...Oceans, I hurt for you! I will probably be in your shoes someday and I can't imagine the waiting...and waiting.
It just seems beyond rude and self-centered to me not to respond. To know that someone put so much thought into a contact letter and then to do nothing...
Shaking my head in confusion.
jwm, thank you for your reply. i am sorry. that must have been hard...it sounds like your birth mom is a politician?! ETA: Thank you, Paige. My husband is a very "stoic" type, but on Mother's Day he said to me, "Do you think my birth mom is thinking about me today? Do you think my letter upset her?" It broke my heart.
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To be honest, I cut adoptees a lot more slack than I do bmoms. Bmoms (at a minimum) owe it to their kids to say I don't want contact but here is your ethnicity and medical history.
Either way tho... An answer would be nice. No, not right now. No - never, whatever the answer, an acknowlegdment would be nice, especially when it was asked for and made clear that it was "safe" to make feelings known... I don't know - I tend to be more disappointed in his aparents for not raising him to respect the idea of me more than anything but that's b/c it breaks my heart to think he may not be the wonderful person I think is...
I know what you are saying, Oceans.... I think sometimes there is a general lack of "preparedness" for these things (though, as you say, you would think that bparents may be more "prepared" somehow than adoptees). I think in the scheme of things I would not "write off" a response from your son in the near future. It was only my realization that it's been almost 6 months that I started to think for DH, "yeah, this may not happen any time soon...if at all." Two of my favorite mantras in life are: "It is what is is" and "Life is long" (not sure how to mesh these two together).
One of my favorites is "life is short"...lol.
Oceans, I'm with you on cutting the adoptee a bit more slack. Still, I check your blog daily to see if there is news.
It's just frustrating. Medical information is so important. But so is piece of mind...
LA, I can't speak for your DH's first mom, but I can tell you that I think of my son often. And I wonder if he's had a happy life, if he developed into a good, strong man. I don't grieve for him any longer (really, I tell myself), but sometimes the curiosity drives me crazy.
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I'm with you and you know this :) Take adoption out of the equation, and I would have told DD's a-mom to scrub off long long ago. I am not used to, nor fond of setting myself up on a bi-monthly basis for getting my heart stomped on and ignored half the time. I was always good at reading between the lies (even if I didn't want to believe it) and I would not be actively pursuing a friendship with someone who breaks promises to follow up on a regular basis, who won't hold up her end of the relationship. Now put adoption back into the equation. And it's important to me that DD know that I was always there, that I love her and that I always was available to her. That I always acted with respect for her and her family. That I did not walk away. And that is why I persevere. I think it's just plain rude to not respond to someone, and I try to live by the rule to treat others how you would want to be treated. It's common courtesy. ESPECIALLY in emotionally charged situaitons when so much hangs in the balance. I'm so sorry your DH is going through this.
i'm coming from the opposite end. my birthmother contacted me first, and at first, i did not respond. after a second letter arrived, i asked for my parents (i was very attached to them) to write a letter on my behalf, requesting that i needed some time to adjust and prepare myself for any contact with her. i probably kept her on pins and needles with the delay, but i was 20, and honestly couldn't do things for myself emotionally. my parents were really supportive, and have been since the reunion. whatever i feel, they support. it's changed a lot too. right now, it's back to needing adjustment.it must be a shock for a birthparent if one is unprepared for the contact to come...some birthparents haven't told their families about an adoption, etc..i hope you hear something, at least an acknowledgemetn, soon.
It is very rude and tacky. For me it took two letters, one Christmas card, her parents telling her I found them, and finally one e-mail 2 years after the inital letter that I got a response from her. I know now why she did not want to speak to me (she has not told her daughter), but at least she could of done was tell me two years earlier.
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