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My husband and I adopted our wonderful nephew and he is a treasure and a blessing. The adoption was final when he was placed with us at age 6 1/2. He is now 8. I would appreciate advice regarding contact with his birthparents, my brother-in-law and his girlfriend/common law wife. Our ason seems to want to hear from them, yet is sad and acts out a little when she calls. (Bf in jail now). The situation was drug abuse and neglect, yet I know there were happy times and that he was loved. We want to do what is best for him so he can grow up healthy, happy and strong. What worked for you, what can we do to support our beloved ason? thank you very much-
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I remember the first time I told my parents I wanted to meet my birth-parents. I was about the same age as your son. My mother explained to me that it would be best if I waited until I was older and at an age where I could really understand and evaluate the pros and cons of meeting my birth-parents. I understand your situation is different in that he already knows his birth-parents. However, it seems that having any sort of relationship with his birth-parents is having a negative impact on him. I would explain this to his birth-parents and limit contact with them to a minimum. Ween your son away from them, then when he gets older and more mature then let hiim make the decision if he wants a relationship with them or not. Not to mention that it's got to be confusing for him to be so young and trying to process that there are two groups of people calling them his parents.
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RobinKay
Our ason seems to want to hear from them, yet is sad and acts out a little when she calls. (Bf in jail now). The situation was drug abuse and neglect, yet I know there were happy times and that he was loved.
I believe that each situation is unique because families are unique. My first concern would be is there any danger to the child? If there is any fear for the child's physical and/or mental well-being, then I would have supervised contact if you decide to have contact at all. Did you ask the child if he wants to see his birth family? I do guardian ad litem work and I just directly ask the kids i am assigned to represent their best interest, "Do you want to see him/her?" If the answer is yes then the next question is, "Under what circumstances would you feel most comfortable?" This works better with older children; however, young children can at least tell you their feelings and then you as the adult can interpret them. I would talk openly about his fears - about what it is he hopes to gain by a visit/letter/relationship. I would talk about unrealistic versus realisitc expectations, that parent choices are not reflections on kids' value . . .there is so much to talk about. Once you have talked at length, I suspect the answers will come. Good luck!