confused feelings

I don't think it's wrong to be thinking about these issues. You really need to sit down and discuss with the current foster family the issues the boys have. Some questions you might ask are: Are they together in foster care? How do they get along? Do the foster parents think they would be better off separated? Does the 13 yr old really understand what it means for him to be adopted and his brother not? Is he capable of understanding the ramifications of this arrangement? Just because they fight doesn't mean that it is best to separate them. Do they have a counselor or therapist? What does this person say? Fighting between sibling is something that can be stopped, you just have to know what to do and stick to it. Would it make any difference if the 14 yr old weren't MR? Would you still be considering only the 13 yr old? I think you should find out as much as you can from as many people involved as you can. I'm not saying it is bad to separate them. I just think you need all the pieces to make a good decision.

The 14 year old is a great kid! With him being mr it will take more. Like I would need to arrange babysitting in the summers while I work, etc., he is a laid back kid noemally yet has his ups and downs. I have sat down with the foster parents and discussed with them about keeping the boys together. They are so unsure. The foster father thinks the 13 year old would hurt the 14 year old if he was given the chance. THe boys are one year apart and I know that boys fight. I guess they were fighting at the therapist's yesterday while the therapist was talking privately with the foster parents, to the point that the fp had to come out to the lobby to step in. Both boys have been through alot. I guess the 13 year old is jealous of his brother because he is always a hit with the adults and gets attention from saying really funny things. He is mr but has lots of commom since and lots of personality. He has me crackin up when I talk to him. I'll just quit worring about it and let God lead.:loveyou:

~Does the 13 yr old really understand what it means for him to be adopted and his brother not? When the boys start fighting, the 13 year old will tell his brother "I'm leaving and your not, I'm getting adopoted and your not" so I don't know if he fully understand or not. He has been through alot and is only 13. The foster parent informed him that I was looking to adopt both boys.

Have you discussed this issue with the boys' case worker? It may well be that they would do best with separate placements because of their different needs.

I just had a meeting with their case worker and she told me that she does not think it is in the boys interest to be placed together.

I am glad that she was able to see that. I know the norm is to try to keep siblings together, but when one child has special needs that are significantly different from the other child's, then they will often do best in different types of environments. There are a lot of adoptive parents who specifically seek children with congnitive delays, so hopefully the brother will be able to find a home that is a good match for him.

Could it be that both boys would just "blossom" if separated and all of this "competition" was removed? Couldn't they continue to keep in contact but not live together. Seems like the therapist could and should really direct you here. I am leaning toward agreement with the caseworker from what you have revealed. The boys have been through such rough lives already. If the younger one is crying out for some space just to be a kid himself... out from the shadow of the "needier" and "stronger personality" of the older brother... I say go for just the one! As we all recognize with birth parents and their relatives... just because there's a blood connection it is not necessarily the best home to grow up in. May God bless you (and all involved) with wisdom!

If they are not seeing a therapist, I think they should. Living with a "needy" sibling can be hard on the "normal" sibling. Therapy may or may not help, but the therapist can also be there to help them work through the fact that they will no longer be raised together should the 13yr old be freed for adoption alone. There are many siblings in foster care that do not end up together for one reason or another. I would hate to see their relationship deteriorate anymore than it seems to already have. Being separated may actually make them better brothers to one another. Would you be willing to do sibling visits between the two if the family that takes the 14yr old is open to it? I think that would go along way when explaining that you are only willing to take the 13yr old. Good Luck! Kim