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I'm not sure what I should do anymore.... I went to a biological cousins graduation party saturday (6/14) and I became more confused than ever about my biological family.
The party was okay, my biological father's mother (D) was rude and insulting the entire night. Not sure if that's just her, but she didn't know me and that wasn't polite. My biological father's sister (K) was nice, but she said some things to make me doubt my entire existence. Everyone else there was okay. The "fun" started right as we were about to leave. K said that my biological father had called her, after I sent him an email that I was going to the party, and cussed her out for contacting me. She also said he told her not to talk to me, my biological mother, or my biological mother's daughter. Well that got me confused. He didn't seem mean to me. Then my biological sister started in and said, yea just wait until you know him like we do. That's secret keeping. Then they started talking about my biological sister's wedding. Well somehow my boyfriend got brought up and K said that she "had heard that the company I was keeping wasn't so great". Well that further confused me and made me angry. So when we left, my biological sister and I, to take me home, I asked her what K meant. She said that I have no clue how close my boyfriend was to being kicked out of the wedding!! Just because he wore his nice blue jeans, with a button-down shirt, boots, and a hat. She said that everyone had commented on it and that everyone was angry about it. Well hello!!, that's the nicest clothes he has. We're not rich like the rest of those high and mighty better than you's. It's not like we even have the money to know where our next meal is going to come from.... I just don't understand anymore. They're not nice, they're rude, and I don't want to find out any other bad things they have to say about me and my family and the ones I love.
What do I do, I need advice, a friend, something... someone who isn't biased to talk to.
:grr:
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In my opinion (and it's just my opinion, I could be wrong!), they don't seem to have any problem telling you what they are thinking without regard to your feelings so I would, in your position, tell them what you are thinking with regard to their feelings. Meaning, I would tell them that you are who you are, he is who he is, and you hope they will accept you at face value. If they cannot, then it is their loss, but you do not have to take ridicule and 'pot shots' from them for being who you are. In doing this, though, once again with regard to their feelings (because there's no need to stoop to their level of rudeness).
Maybe with the feeling of, "Hey, I realize that for your family this/that may be different, but this is the way it is for me/my family/my boyfriend and I'm sorry you don't like it, but I'm not sorry for being who I am".
It sounds to me like you are allowing them to make you feel inferior to them. This may or may not be their intention, but I implore you to stay true to yourself and not allow yourself to be sucked into their negativity.
If it becomes too stressful or too hurtful, take a break from the process. I haven't had this experience, but I have read some reunion stories on here where some felt they just needed a break from the process because the outcome was becoming overwhelming. Hopefully others that have had similar experiences will post with their thoughts and help.
I don't really have any real advice to help your situation. I just wanted to take a moment to ask you to remember who you are and remember that you are wonderful just the way you are and don't let anyone tell you any different!
This is a great place for support and I hope others here can help.
Jamie
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Hi sweetpea, I'm sorry to hear about the behavior of your bfamily. I am in reunion also and sometimes I have wondered if there was more to the story of my birth than I am told. I don't have any real evidence but I just wonder. Is it possible that there were things going on in the family at the time of your birth and people are "covering the bases". I don't know if this makes sense or not. I did not really have that impression for my reunion, but I do know that most of my bfamily have only good things to say about everyone and everything etc. I just have to imigaine that there was some issues etc. It kind of got glossed over. However, there is no reason any one of them should be so abusive to you. Sounds like you are in the middle and they kind of shove you around the circle of bfamily. It also sounds very manipulative too. Please take care of yourself. debsw
Well if he truly is willing to help you then that is a good thing. I was wondering thinking about the situation, do you feel like you are not able to trust your bfamily, not bmom or bdad, but more extended family? I guess I am wondering whey they felt they had to bring up things in your life like your sig other? Why would they think it was ok to say those things. I can see why you would be confused about it. I think alarm bells might go off for me. Or is it possible that they are treating you like they would anyone else in the family? I think family dynamics are really difficult to get a hold on. I was never able to do that with my afamily and struggle with it with both sides of my bfamily. D
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In all honesty, I'm not sure if I can trust them or not. In my opinion they had no right to say those things. I could understand if I had known them for a year or longer, but not at our first meeting. I'm hoping most everything will clear up this friday and saturday when I meet with my b-mom and b-dad for lunch.
My b-mom did send me a pretty bad email about my boyfriend, and I didn't like it. So I'm taking a copy of it with me this weekend to talk about it. I just feel like she wants him to be who she wants him to be and not who he is.
In ya'lls opinion, if someone works 10 hour days in grease and oil then tries their best to clean up, considering that grease does stain and it takes at least two hours of scrubbing skin and hair off before it comes clean... would you expect them to come spotless to a wedding when they had work all week?
sweetpea012607
In all honesty, I'm not sure if I can trust them or not. In my opinion they had no right to say those things. I could understand if I had known them for a year or longer, but not at our first meeting. I'm hoping most everything will clear up this friday and saturday when I meet with my b-mom and b-dad for lunch.
My b-mom did send me a pretty bad email about my boyfriend, and I didn't like it. So I'm taking a copy of it with me this weekend to talk about it. I just feel like she wants him to be who she wants him to be and not who he is.
In ya'lls opinion, if someone works 10 hour days in grease and oil then tries their best to clean up, considering that grease does stain and it takes at least two hours of scrubbing skin and hair off before it comes clean... would you expect them to come spotless to a wedding when they had work all week?
Thank you. I really needed that...
I'm not trying to defend my boyfriend, but I want to explain why I feel so strongly about this situation.
My boyfriend works two jobs, one as a mechanic (mon-friday 8am to whatever time they get every job done and on saturday from 8am to as late as 5pm) and the second as a chicken farmer (7 days a week when chickens are in). In his line of mechanic work, he never knows when he's going to get off, their policy is that if the customer is there when the doors are open they get service. Other shops stay open from 8am to 5pm through the week and 8am to 12pm on saturdays. As a chicken farmer, they have chickens in for 45 days, then they get a two week break. They have 8 houses and each house holds an average of 17,000 chickens.
My boyfriend also doesn't show emotions, for one reason and one reason alone. His real father. When he was little, untill three years old, his father would beat the living daylights out of him and his mother and wouldn't touch the other two. One night his father went to far and he sustained 3rd degree burns on more than 80% of his body, he was in a burn unit for over a year, came out with one scar. That's when his mother decided it was time to leave.
I don't expect him to be perfect or snooty or high-maintenance. I fell in love with him for who he is, not who I would change him to be. If others can't accept him for that, then how can they accept me. Because we're a team. :love:
Sweetpea, If this man you want to marry is a good man you don't let anyone insult him just based on what he does for a living. Thats just plain snobbery in its worst. The thing I have learned over the years is that money, education does not make a good or superior person. They are just better able to fake it. The key is to be strong in your sense of self and the GOOD decsions you make for your self. Be strong in the fact you are just as worthy as anyone ...no matter what you aor they might do for a living.
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Sweetpea, I am really sorry that you are going through this. Under ANY circumstances, neither family biological or adopted, should treat you this way. As an amom, stories like yours worry me because I dread the day my children enter a reunion with their birth family, perhaps only to meet with the same sort of response. I am the type of person who will simply walk away, family, friends etc. In my book there is simply a mutual code of behavior that has to be adhered to and if it is not working for me, I am out. There are way too many truly wonderful people in the world whose company I would rather keep then to spend my time, emotion and care on negative relationships. I have done it in the past and will never do it again. That said, that is me, I have no idea how my children will react or what they will need from a reunion with their family. I hope you find the strength to do only what is in your emotional best interest. If you wouldn't let a stranger treat you poorly, why tolerate it from family?
Thanks ya'll. It's always nice to be able to hear advice from someone who isn't biased, you know?
I'm real nervous about this weekend. I'm supposed to stay the night with my b-mom friday and we're meeting my b-dad for an early lunch and late dessert on saturday. I'm so scared, I don't know what to say and I don't want to get angry. I just don't know what to say to them.
My b-dad totally agrees that David is a nice guy and he would do anything for me, to protect me, whatever. But my b-mom doesn't see it that way. Now I know why they split, they're as different as night and day.
Also my b-mom sent me an email and said that she would go with me to dessert with my b-dad and his two youngest. She said she was uncomfortable being around people she didn't know... well HELLO!!! that's the way David feels!!! It made me so angry!! Then she said she would just sit in the car! I mean this is the woman who was complaining about the way my boyfriend dressed when she was acting like a complete child!!!!
UGH! I don't like frustration.
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