Another question for adult adoptees

I'm a closed era adopted adult and an open adoption first mom. I really believe that an open adoption is best for my son. I'm not his parent, I don't try to co parent, I don't even ask about their parenting decisions. I trusted them to do that for him, and so I just do. I write him a letter once a month and send cards for holidays and I see him about four times a year. If he decided he didn't want any of this anymore, I would be hurt of course, but that would be his choice. He is almost five now and I'm just a friend of his, a part of his life. He knows that I am his first mom and he knows that he is a adopted. He will grow up with that knowledge. I won't be someone fantastic to replace his mom when he can find me... in fact if he ever even mentioned wanting to live with me I would tell him no, he has parents, he has to live with them. I didn't grow up knowing much about my first mom. I had to go through the hassle of locating her and then being rejected by her because she has buried her feelings about me and hid me from everyone around her. My son deserves to know me with all of my imperfections and the good things too. I'm not a sinner, I'm not a saint, I'm just me.... I'm a good person and I, and his parents, believe a healthy addition to his life.

"Helpus" has the right idea-however, be careful not to make your bio son feel less wanted. Maybe how it was in God's plan for your family to have two babies...One he brought throught childbirth (or what ever terms for a child that age) and the second baby we got to choose. I grew up knowing-My Mama would tell me that she and Daddy picked me, but they were STUCK with the other three (referring to my 3 a-sisters) - they were older so they got the joke and played alone. Children are like sponges, they take in (and understand) more than we give them credit for. You are stressing, hoping you come up with the right words, you will say everything just right and your child is going to say "cool Mom, now can I have a cookie!"

I'm adopted and now at retirement age. I never felt comfortable in my a-family. On the other hand, I was reunited with my b-mom at age 45 and we enjoyed a verty nice relationship until she died a year ago. You may not like this advice, but in the interests of honesty, be parents to your a-child but remember that your relationship with her/him will be like that of a forever foster-child. Don't try to make the a-child be something that she/he, for obvious rreasons, cannot be. I was not my a-parents offspring and could not pretend to be -- and neither should the a-parents. Accept the truth with honesty, good grace, and openess and by all means allow your child to come to terms with the reality without your feeling threatened, especially when he/she asks questions about the b-family and/or tries to locate them. I wish I had been brought up with those parameters in operation.

IMO unless the child is shown on the BC as "babyX" dont change the child's name. I grew up thinking I never had a name, my aparents didnt know anything and at 45 I found out they had the adoption decree showing my birth name and my birth mothers name. I had only one thought "What the hell was wrong with my name that they had to change it?" I carry my afathers name yet both of them without execption always introduced me to people as "Our Adopted Son". They felt I had to carry their name but I couldn't be a real part of their family.

Never hide such things from your children because it will always bring heart break later on. As life goes, you will have issues to deal with-just arm yourself. Each of your children will be special - your birth baby, God picked him/her just to be a part of your family. Your adoptive child will be the one that YOU chose with God's blessing to be a part of the family. Even though the children will be brothers/sisters-they must know that you guys are ONE family and it's not blood that binds you but what is in your heart. BUT the kids will want to know what "adoption" means-tell them BOTH how special they EACH are and how your family wouldn't be a family without BOTH of them. After you have introduced your new baby to the extended family, and explained how special it is to be a big Brother/Sister to the 4 year old...that's it! "Let me introduce you to my CHILDREN." enough said. More power to you and thanks for reaching out your heart to a child that needs a loving home.

Gator, I agree that parents should definitely be open about adoption from the get go. I also agree that blood alone doesn't bind a family - it's love that binds a family together. Personally, I just don't care for the saying that an adopted child was "chosen" by the aparents. I had an aunt who used to tell me that I was "special because I was chosen". I really wasn't chosen. I think that just sugar-coats the reality of the adoption. Sure, my aparents chose to adopt a baby, but they didn't choose ME. I just so happened to be the baby that the agency chose to give to them, according to the order on the waiting list. My bmom "chose" to relinquish me. I guess that word "chose" just rubs me the wrong way when referring to be adoption. I had no choice and still today as a grown woman although I choose to find my bparents I still am not given the choice. It could possibly just be me and my way of thinking here. I just wouldn't tell an adopted child that he/she was "chosen" by the aparents. It's not like the aparents went to a line up of babies and chose a particular one. I do believe that God's hand was involved in bring my aparents and me together as a family. I had wonderful parents. They didn't choose me though.

I was born in 1948 and grew up in the adoption dark ages of the 1950s. I curse god for the moment that my adoptive parents walked up to my crib and I curse them for sending me to catholic schools to be abused. This is tough but: you need to be parents AND foster parents because there is NOTHING that anyone can do to create a biological link. If the child asks questions, GIVE HONEST ANSWERS. If the child wants to find his/her biological roots, HELP OUT.Remember: people hide things that they bare ashamed of. Don't treat your kid as if you're ashamed of his/her past. Don't do what "mine" did to me.

Sorry If I struck a bad cord with the "chosen" by aparents. In my case, I was chosen-my adoption was not through an agency. Guess we all have different situations and different trigger words for certain things.

I agree with a lot of the postings about being honest and I am also aware that many authors have written extensively when and actually how to break the news. [URL="http://parenting.adoption.com/parents/talking-to-kids-about-adoption-amp-family.html"]Talking to Kids About Adoption & Family - Author, Child, Children, Kids, Parent, Parents, Questions,[/URL] For example, Nancy Verrier suggests, "Don't speak for anyone else (i.e., birthmother). Never say: (1) "Your birthmother loved you so much she wanted you to have a good home." Even if true, this makes absolutely no sense to a child. One doesn't give away what one loves." While I think it's important to be honest, I really don't know how, if I was an adoptive parent, I'd answer difficult questions such as: "Why was I given away? Didn't my mommy want me?" Given that we don't know the real reasons why the birth parents relinquished their babies, I imagine that all we can do is guess about the reasons. Even if one does know the full reasons, how does one break such painful news in a way that is clear yet sensitive to the child's feelings? And I'd say the difficult part about answering these questions is knowing that it is very likely that whatever one says to explain things, the child will still feel a very, very deep sense of loss. Yes, adoptive parents can do all they can to try to ease the pain (eg. explaining that the child is special, is loved, that their birth parents did want to keep the child if they could) as they try their best to explain the truth as they know it. As you explain the facts of your child's adoption, I think an important part of this discussion is to acknowledge the child's many feelings and questions. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for a child to try to make sense (logically and emotionally) of being relinquished and yet not somehow feel abandoned/dumped. It's hard enough for adults to process the receiving of bad news (eg. relationship break-up, job loss) - no matter how logical the circumstances, personally it still hurts heaps. All the best to you, yehudit, as you find ways to be open with your child.

Being almost 50, open adoption was not an option back then. But I can tell you that my parents told me from the time I was little. They always said it didn't matter if my amom gave birth, I was meant to be their child. It gave me a sense of security. I knew they had the papers (it was a private adoption) and they promptly gave them to me when I was 18. I didn't decide to search actively until 6 years ago, 1 week ago I found my bfamily who had searched for me for 25 years. I think that was the best way. I don't know if I'd have been ready or open when I was a kid to know them. I personally think the decision should be made by the adoptee themselves when the time is right. One thing that may work is saving cards, pictures and the like until your child is old enough to handle the feelings that will inevitably go with those. Just my opinion, but I hope that you will take all the advice you get into consideration and make decisions that are right for you and your family...Good Luck

I have known I was adopted all my life as well. I am now 52 years old. I too was told in story form so that I could understand. Throughout my entire life, my parent were very open about my adoption and what they knew. My adoption was closed and sealed in the state I was born but they always encouraged me to search out my BF "if I chose to". I never wanted to until now. My AF are all deceased now. My personal opinion is, that it made this knowledge easer knowing when I was young and my adopted family was "MY FAMILY" and will always remain so. But I was a lucky child and had a good family life. Not all are so lucky. A parent is not the one that gave birth to you, It is the one that sat up with you when your sick, waited up on your first date to hear about it. The one that was there the first time your heart got broken. The one that walked you down the isle. The one that thanks "you" for being thier gift of life when they are dying. An adoptee wishing to "search" out thier BF is not wanting to replace "YOU" as the adoptive parent. I may have felt "cheated" had my adopted parents not been totally open and honest. In my caase they are gone and I simply want to know who I look like and my medical history, for my own children's sakes.

Hi there, I am adopted and have known since I cant remember. I believe the most important issues for adoptive parents are: honesty, acceptance and unconditional loving. What I needed most growing up was understanding, support and unconditional love. Adoptees feel insecure, fear abandonement and lack the security identity provides. Do not distinguish differences of natural and adoptee children in front of your adopted child as they will remember this 4ever! Be open, be honest, answer questions, do not hide information, be supportive of whatever path your child wishes to take. Unfortunately I'll never have the opportunity for reuniting with my birth parents and that's something I'll have to come to terms with. The worst part of growing up was ..... lack of identity, conditional love and most of all the lies. Life's tough, but you don't need the worst to come from those closest to you. Jen

my advice is save that child from hurt and pain- dont tell them a thing - i wish mine never did

I am an adoptee of a closed adoption seeking reunion with my biological mother. Due to the nature of closed adoption, certain--even unspoken--expectations are placed on an individual...to drop whatever ties or emotions you might have to the woman who birthed you, the woman you never met. Not meeting her entitles you to feel nothing. Curiosity is insulting. Reunion is downright betrayal. Even with the most supportive adoptive parents like I have, I am still wracked with these emotions and "second-guessings" because of my closed adoption. Closed adoption, secrecy and hidden origins have denied me the tools to deal with the life that other people decided that I would have. If you are in an open adoption, I would not ruin such a blessing by trying to control what your child can and can't know. Lies, secrecy and hidden truth are more destructive than anything else you fear by telling the truth. All human beings are entitled to truth about their lives from beginning to end. Now, that doesn't mean you tell a 4 year old things they can't understand--but--it does mean letting the entire truth come out, in a timely manner, as soon as your child is at that next stage in their life when they can handle it (this is for adult topics of course). For example, I found out that I was the product of rape when I was 14. It was appropriate, I could handle that news at that age. I am neither psychologically tormented nor scarred for life. If my parents had decided to control that information, only for me to find out through the state when I requested my records at the age of 24....THEN, I would have been upset. Adopted children are not Tabula Rasas, as it was told to my adoptive parents that I would be. They will have questions, curiosities and need support. If they sense from you that any part of their origins needs to be hidden or is forbidable to know about, they will feel shame. My closed adoption, at no fault of my adoptive parents, made me feel shameful. You have the blessing of openness and honesty. Embrace it.

Although in a previous post I stated that I had a wonderful life and that my adoptive parents were very supportive, I am just know learning and understanding what it means to be adopted. All my life I was told that my birthmother had siblings before me and going through a nasty divorce and that she loved me enough to give me a better life. I am just beginning to see my adoptive parents were most likely lied to becuase of the secrecy in a closed adoption. The mother I thought to be uselfhish and sacrifishul probably did not even look at me and has not tried to find me. I am hurt and bewildered now and do not really understand the emotions I suddenly feel. It is MOST important that if you know the circumstances as to why your child was given up you tell them at an approporiate age as stated in the last posting.....I belive had I known the truth it may have made a difference in my deciding to search out my birth family or not. I am 53 now and I feel it is my basic birthright to know at very least my medical history and my heritage...with the circumstances and where I was born I cannot even get this info. Closed adoptions are cruel to all. The open adoption is only open if the adoptee has the facts and is given the support and knowlege about thier own life. You as the adoptive parent have to love your child enough and be secure enough in thier love for you that when or if they decide to search you are supportive and know that you were the best parent you could be and were honeset in "every" aspect of the adoption process with your child. You cannot be at fault if you are honest with them. Then it is simply thier own choice, and they know you were there for them when the birth mother was not for whatever reason she was not.