When To Give Up?

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I have come not to expect certain things from them.

I have come to protect myself.

I expected my last visit to be cancelled as it had been a few months ago.

I don't get my hopes up. I hate to say that I expect the worst to protect my heart and my sanity.[/FONT]

I get this. I get the idea of protecting my heart and expecting the worst and being surprised when something actually works.But it goes against my "being." I'm normally such an optimstic person, full of faith for the future and home in the general human race. This is so out of my league, out of my norm and I don't know what to do with myself.

Certainly there would be a time for me that I would stop asking. I wouldn't close my heart the the relationship that's for sure, and I'd certainly slow down my end of things - sending things not as often as I used to, etc. But yea, I can understand that need to stop putting yourself out there only to get rejected. I'm sorry....

The thing with keeping low expectations so you are pleasantly surprised when things DO work out....It's just not fair!! Especially considering, Jenna, you aren't the only one involved here. Your kids will soon enough (if not already) realize what is going on - I think you need to have some sort of clarity for their sake too. Gosh, if they want to cut back on things for a while - fine....but at least be upfront about it so you can keep on keepin on.

Tara; You bring up points that I hadn't quite thought of. If I stop asking, I can't be disappointed, right? It's just devastating. I've tried "not dwelling on it" like some well intentioned friends have advised but... how does one not think of and miss their child? How does one not have hope that things will resolve simply so that they can see their child?And at the same time... how does one continue to hold out hope?Ugh. Out of words again. More thought.

This is another issue all together. To be fair, when I had to cancel a visit last year, I was reminded that the Munchkin was aware of the visit and that she was upset that I was not attending. Since then, I have kept that keenly in my mind. I don't evereverever want to let her down like that again. I felt like CRAP. That's NOT the kind of birth mother I want to be (and is part and parcel with why I'm sending monthly letters this year).But what about my boys? Granted, P's got a limited understanding of ... everything. Heh. He's just happy as long as I'm in sight. But Nick? He asks me about her once a week at the very least. I point to her picture and tell him a story. What else am I supposed to do?? Would it be easier for my boys just to drop the Munchkin talks all together and hope that Nick forgets and P never has to deal with her absence? This paragraph, right here, is why my Husband is so upset. (Well, he misses her, too, and he's sad for me, but his first thoughts are with the boys and how Nick is processing all of this.) Anyway, it's all just too much for me to even think about lately. I'm well aware of their personal struggles. I'm well aware of my own issues that have prevented various things... but the blow off count keeps rising. And my heart doesn't feel like it can break anymore.

What you are describing in this thread is our life but the other side. And this is my question exactly. I am determined but exhausted by the wanting and hoping and asking and waiting. It would be easier on us all if I could just 'let go' of what I feel is the commitment I made to my kids' parents. But even the 'letting go' is a burden. Stuck. And can't help but hope that someday... (and that is always where my thoughts on this end). This thread struck a chord. Sorry to make it all about me/my stuff. I am so sorry things are so rough right now Jenna. I wish... I don't know just ((((hugs)))). I have watched your determined love for your Munchkin for awhile now. I have no doubt that beyond the fear and exhaustion, your determination will find some way to keep hope alive, even if it seems impossible. And it is complicated (as it is in our situations as well) when there are siblings involved. I know for me, there would have been some relief from trying so hard at times if I didn't value the potential and growing desire DD has to know her sisters. It is vitally important that I at least try. I don't know the answer. Maybe I shouldn't post at all. But a little sympathy from the other side maybe will help? You are not alone in the wanting this for the WHOLE family. for life in general, I've never been very good at disciplining myself NOT to get my hopes up, especially when it is something as important as relationships like this. And it sucks because it hurts 100fold when there is disappointment. But I get to feeling really dead inside when I "try" not to hope for things to get better...work out...take a turn... break free... (insert whatever you want here). Bless you for being such a good mother to all your kids.

Jenna: I've been quiet myself lately primarily because I needed to pull back. I was tired of always being optimistic when every single time I put myself out there, I either got blown off or ignored. I asked questions and got no answers,half answers or contradicting answers. I asked questions and got mis-interpreted. I was available, respectful, kept boundaries, all the "right things" a birthmom should do. I tried to communicate. Nothing worked and I was tired of it. Of my heart getting broken time and again, of letting someone treat me in a way that I will not allow ANYONE else to do. So I shut down and walked away. DD's a-mom has no idea of this, since I did it during a period of time when I usually don't write. I had intended to shut down for longer, but the break helped me process my anger and disappointment in a passive way (instead of constantly thinking about it, I cleared it from my head) that as quickly as I said "I'M DONE!" I got an urge to get back in there. As some have mentioned before, my expectations are different. I hope for the best and expect the worst. It too doesn't jive with my usual positive outlook on things, but I've learned I have to keep my hopes low to protect myself. I know she's not going to do x,y, and z, because she never has, so I need to stop thinking that she'll "come around" one day and do that. But until the words come out of her mouth that I am no longer to communicate with her, I am going to write as I always do. It might still hurt when she doesn't follow through, I'm a human being after all. But to not take advantage and embrace the small avenue I do have is just cutting off my nose to spite my face. I don't think you ever give up. There is something to be said for self preservation, and if you need it, take it. Take it as long as you need to because if you are not in a healthy frame of mind the relationship will suffer for it (even if IMO, I don't have the healthiest relationship to start) I also realized that I needed to stop taking responsibility for actions that I did not do (ie: it's not my fault that she totally blew off a phone call JUST because I asked for one. I asked, she accepted, she is responsible) and I needed to stop thinking that she will actively TAKE responsibility for it. She isn't going to admit to a mea culpa, but she will notice if I stop communicating, and in conflict, she isn't going to think it has to do with her actions. I realized that the one thing that IS consistant is that she tells me she loves and respects me, she cares about our relationship, she's glad that we can talk, and she will keep the promises she made to me when she promised I could keep in touch. She's said that time and time again over and over. And until she says otherwise, I have to have faith that somewhere deep down inside, she means that, or she would cut me off all together. I hope that there is a nugget in your situation that you can hold on to to get you through. It's OK to turn off, to turn your focus to the boys and your hubby, to just take a breather. Sometimes a time out is all it takes. I've been there, still doing that. PM me if you ever want to talk. I'm thinking of you ((((HUGS)))

Jenna--knowing your story from the past few years, I just am so caught off guard by the changes and am really hurting for you, your family, the Munchkin...all of you. I so admire all the work you have put into the whole thing to make things work despite emotional hardship, etc. Obviously, I have no advice, just the tre wish for you that things turn around soon.

An interesting turn of events.No, nothing has changed. I know nothing. I still FEEL like a big fat nothing.But a discussion at Bible Study tonight (my one night out per week! WOO!) was really what I needed. Perhaps that seems like a cop out to some. And yes, I'm still VERY veryveryvery hurt. But I have less ... anger? ... about everything. I'm still sad. I'm still upset at how things have turned out.But I feel a small sense of peace. Trying to make enough sense of it to write tomorrow. Hopefully.I'm never going to be the one who walks away. I know that. And I'll "accept" what is given to me. Because I refuse to shortchange my daughter in that way. I know my actions will be pure, my intentions good. More tomorrow. It's late.

I don't think, wait, I know that "not dwelling on it" is a load of hooey. Come on?! I also think it's a fine line between "not putting yourself out there", yet remaining hopeful. I don't know how one does that, as I think the situation can seem so hopeless, but then getting your hopes up isn't good either. Yet if you don't have hope then what do you have? I second your Ugh, I just don't know.... ((((HUGS))))

Jenna, In situations like this it is about setting boundaries... for yourself and your family. Pick a few times a year to reach out, or do it the same day every month. Hope, they will respond, but do not expect it. If you have not addressed the matter directly yet, please do. So many people get involved in their own lives to the extent they cannot understand how their actions impact the feelings of others. And please call if you want to chat.

I have addressed it. I thought my concerns were acknowledged. A month and a half later, having learned that I've been blown off again, the acknowledgement doesn't seem to exist.I think, right now, I just have to learn to be okay "without." Not particularly fun. But necessary, I think.Feeling more human today. Also feeling more like my positive self but ... a realistic positive? I don't know the words. Maybe it's because the sun is shining. And has been since the kids woke me up before 6. Oof.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]It isn't my norm either. I look forward to every visit. I am useless at work come 11pm because I am on a countdown. I come home from work and child proof my work bag and put in everything that is going with me for the visit.

Then I go to sleep and wake up to L leaving a message, cancelling a visit that is to happen in less then 4 hours.

You can ask Thanksgivingmom about my last one. I called my house 3 to 4 times on my way to the last visit waiting for my machine to tell me that L called and it was cancelled.

Like you I will not be the one to walk away.

I have also learned to accept to be "okay" without. It stinks, it sucks.

But here if you need a ear :grouphug:[/FONT]

I recently went through something like this with my b-son and his a-mom. She was becoming flaky, taking an exceptionaly long time to return e-mails, so I put the ball in their court and sent a card and told them to call me or write when they wanted to set up a visit, and a few months later they did. I also started writing letters to just my b-son (with the okay form his a-mom) and bought him special stationary to encourage him to write back. The gaps between the visits saddened me so the letters make me feel like I know him better. I know how hard this is, best wishes.