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Ok, for a short preface, The Pirate (that's just the easiest nickname for my fiance) and I had some trouble a few months back. It was ugly for awhile and it gets messier if I try to lay blame, but we're still in this together, and we're still together.However, there are a few members of his family that are under the impression that I'm not part of the picture anymore. He's working on talking to them about that, but procrastination and not wanting to hurt feelings and all sorts of other excuses, plus not having real opportunities. This group includes his dad.Anyways... On Father's Day, he drove up to Chicago to have brunch with his dad. When he first told me about it, it sounded like it was going to be him, his dad and stepmom and his two brothers. When he came home he told me that one of his brother's girlfriends had come along. That stung a bit, but I was getting over it...He was also supposed to talk to his dad, about the fact that we were still together, and that didn't happen either. That stung as well, but I felt like I was beginning to deal with it.Then on Saturday he let slip that S. and L. and their kids (including The Sweetling) were there too.Seven million emotions... Anger, hurt, jealousy, betrayal, envy, you get the picture...I asked why he hadn't told me sooner and I got some mixed answer from him about not wanting to hurt me and wanting to wait for the pictures.Pictures? I inquired about this, thinking that maybe, maybe, maybe he'd done some good and S was going to send us some pictures. But no, it was one of his brothers who was going to send the pictures.I really retreated into myself then, and while we're interacting ok now, I'm still a jumble of emotions.I'm angry and hurt that he didn't tell me right when he came home, that he kept it from me for a week.I'm absolutely jealous that he got to see her, and not only that he got to see her on Father's Day (not that anyone there did or would think to acknowledge his Father-hood). I haven't seen her in over a year and a half.I'm angry (and a bit hurt) that he didn't use this time to talk to S and L about stuff. Even to just see if the letter that I sent on Mother's Day ever got there.Plus all my old anger about being excluded was magnified since I felt like my exclusion robbed me of a chance to see her.Thoughts?
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This sounds awful. I would be heartbroken and -well to use the same word as everyone else- livid. I'm glad you are talking and interacting, but I see some huge red flags here and I hope the resolution isn't talking you into why it was okay he did any of that- because it's not. There should be soul-baring apologies flowing.
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Thank you all.As I've talked to him, The Pirate has apologized. Some of his problem is that he occasionally, doesn't think things through past a certain point.Also, he was surprised that they were there. It wasn't that he knew ahead of time and was keeping that fact from me, it was that he got there, and they were there too and that surprised him. (It goes back to strange family dynamics, I've kinda stopped trying to keep up with the twists and turns more than peripherally. S went through this whole long period where she wasn't talking to her dad, so The Pirate is never sure when she's going to be a stuff.)I think some of why he didn't tell me, was he knew I'd be hurt, and he doesn't like seeing me hurt. Of course, I was still hurt and more so when I found out, but I think his heart was in the right place even if his head wasn't.He didn't talk to S about the letter or anything, 1- because he didn't want to embarrass her. (They were at a Tapas Restaurant in Chicago, so it was kind of public.), 2 - he didn't think of it (which, I hate to say it, is true, he doesn't dwell on stuff as much as I do). 3- talking about the letter would mean talking about me kind of directly, and for all I know, that might have caused a scene.He didn't talk to his dad because his dad was on the other end of the table from him.Let me say that it's not him making excuses, other than explaining why he felt like what he was doing at that time was right. He knows I'm angry and he has and is apologizing. He knows I'm hurt. The only bit that we really argue about is the him talking to his dad part, and sometimes I see his side.I think he's a bit afraid of his dad, and I think that his dad doesn't entirely like me, and while the Pirate loves me, standing up to his father is something that's very hard for him to do. His normal course of action is to pseudo agree with whatever is said, and then go off and do his own thing. It's been that way since childhood. He's a middle child: he avoids confrontations and tries to be a peacemaker and not hurt anyone. The unfortunate fact is that sometimes somebody has to get hurt.Also, he's very confused about his role in adoption stuff. As far as it looks, he's dealing just fine, no issues, thinks "we" made the right decision, etc. That was a point of contention in our relationship for awhile, until finally I realized we were going to have to agree to disagree. I can't make him feel pain over it. (And honestly, why should I want him to feel that type of pain?)Saturday, I told him that I needed him to be more of an advocate for us... I needed him to talk to S, because I have a hard time even writing her a letter. (I finally wrote one for Mother's Day ([URL="http://abarrelofnelsons.com/blog/2008/05/11/mothers-day-letter-ive-lost-my-bloody-mind/"]see my blog if you'd like to read it[/URL]) after over a year and a half of trying.) I need him to ask his brothers and his mom to advocate for us as well. (the people that S interacts with more.) I need him to explain to people why we might feel hurt at being excluded or forgotten, and point out stuff like that. I'm very unsure of my voice in his family, especially with the rocky patch we hit. The only thing I know is that a good few of them read my blog on occasion, but they rarely comment online or in real life.Of course The Pirate and S don't have a normal brother-sister relationship. She's 10 years older than him and there's all that blended family stuff (half-siblings). He's talked about how growing up, it felt like S was more of an additional parent who was there sometimes that another sibling.On the bright side, S actually sent him a picture (along with the rest of the family) of The Sweetling and her older sister, sitting on a hill with their backs to the camera being cute.Plus, after I calmed down a bit, I talked to him about what the Sweetling acted and looked like. (Of course he hadn't set beside her so he didn't have tons to offer, but it was something... I know she's blonde at least. And he says she's got my eyes...)
It sounds like you're both gaining some clarity about things. I love what you said about needing him to be an advocate. I know some men very close to me, who have trouble with confrontation and assertiveness (and frankly it's usually good men with soft hearts). But part of being a grown man is the willingness to endure that to advocate for your partner and your family. I'm glad you were able to articulate that to him. I hope that he is able to articulate it to his family.