why are we married?

Keds, I've been married to my DH for 35 years this July 21. He is not D's bfather but we were dating by the time D was born and have known each other since our first day of college. Why did I marry him? I think I was looking for security at that point in my life. I remember thinking, why am I doing this? the week before the wedding. DH was/is a very dear friend whom I love... he has never been "my other half." Our marriage continues to endure... it's mostly good...very few highs, but very few lows. What I would point out to you is that marriage, like life, is a journey. We never arrive. As we go through various stages our relationships change. BTW, Keds, did you ask him why he married you?

You know I have been married 26 years now. To ask me today why I married him ,I need to stop and say....hmmmm..I don;t know. I had questions, then got pregnant(we were engaged before the pregnancy). 26 years later as much as I wail..WHATEVER POSSESSED ME???? AS much as there are days I can't look at him and be mad he is breathing the same air as me.grrrr....we have been threw to much together to throw it all away. I know you were looking for bmoms thats married bfathers but I cant help but think that in as much this was a huge issue for the 2 of you, you have still maintained the marriage. No matter how good or bad the reasons were for getting married in the first place, how many people actually get married for the complete right reasons anyway..maybe today they do because they are waiting to get marriedand know themselves better but sheesh we were getting married in our early twenties!

Hi Kathy, no, I didn't ask him why because I know why - he loves me. He always has and always will (not to say he hasn't had his moments of being a jerk, there have been plenty of them! Me too, though). I just think that there is always one person in a relationship who loves the other "more". He is definitely it. Looking back I think part of my heart was torn out when I placed bson for adoption and I've never recovered. I will never let anyone "in" or trust completely again. As you said Kathy, not too many highs, but there have been quite a few lows. I can't say that any other marriage hasn't had those as well. We have endured, God's plan, I guess. I too remember walking down the aisle and crying a little behind the veil - not knowing if I was doing the right thing (I was 22 after all). At one point, I actually thought of turning heel and running as fast as I could but chalked it up to cold feet. I love him but not the "movie" love or the "in love" feeling with him but in the sense that he's a good person, we have a good life but I'm not "happy happy joy joy" as much as I feel I should be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy, I can't really describe it. We joke about how in a few months it will be 25 years and even prisoners get paroled but neither of us are interested in leaving the other. There are times I couldn't imagine a different life but I'm finding lately that I compromised too much and have simply "disappeared". I am not a person anymore but his "wife" - does that make any sense?? Perhaps it's just the rantings of someone whose kids have now all moved out of the house and realized that it's just us again and who the heck are you anyway??? Also, I think that a lot may have to do with the fact that I am working hard at building a relationship with our bson and he can't, or won't. Why is it that people say that I'm the weak person for placing bson, putting up with the comments, mean-spirited antics and years of abuse only to face the trauma of reunion and jump back into the fire to face relatives' nasty comments about how our reunion will wreck the family and he is the strong one because he stood by me and still respects the privacy of the family. You can't win, can you?? To me he is the weak one - step up and get over it. Pull your head out of the sand work through the emotions and move on - it's not going away. I'm not saying it's easy - but I'll be darned if I let anyone interfere with my relationship with bson or make any of my kids feel badly because of me. Maybe that's the real issue, as you said dpen6, I didn't know me back then and I'm now taking charge of my life and people don't like it. They much prefer to keep me in my place, or their idea of what it should be. I should say that the passive/aggressive nature of all of them towards me has become tiresome but I think he is capable of change as well. It's just harder when it's forced upon you. Maybe we are just experiencing what any two people in a long term marriage do. The whole adoption/reunion situation is just an add-on to test us even more. Who knows but I was thinking the other day as I sat by the lake by myself that if push came to shove and I had to choose between the 2 of them again, I would make a different choice. I think he realizes that as well so we'll have to work on it. We'll see what the future brings and, as I say to my raised kids all the time, marriage is for life so be sure. Thanks again!

Hey Keds, I caught sight of this thread while I was surfing around and thought I'd post to you. Your words have helped me greatly in the small time I've been here. I'm hoping my little post can help you somehow. :love: I think this makes a lot of sense. I think in our lives we get pegholed by others. They want to put us in a certain box or category and deal with us from that perspective. Yes. Change. People do not like it when we begin to break free of our self-imposed mold or the mold they fit us with. I think not only are you beginning to have a relationship with your bson but also, you are beginning to have one with yourself.... that is, getting in touch with some of what you lost within yourself when you surrendered him. Here is something amusing when I look back on it, though it wasn't at the time. My ex was a bad alcoholic he drink a fifth to two fifths of vodka a day, 6 days a week. He didn't drink on Sunday because he said he was Catholic. (No judgment of him either - he suffered from a terrible disease). Anyway, I endured that drinking and the pure hell that comes with it for years. My family would stand on the sidelines judging me for putting up with it, making their snide little comments. Even though they'd seen first-hand what he was capable of. But when I finally did something about it? When I took the reins and joined Al-Anon and began to get stronger, to change, to not put up with anyone's crap anymore? Well.........my family didn't like that either. Not one bit. They pulled out the "weak" card that you've spoken of in here. I was weak. I was reaching out to strangers instead of just following my family's dictates, whatever the frig those were. After I divorced my husband who left me and my daughters homeless in the street; my family sided with him and some of them refused to speak to me! LOL! Ooooo boy...family....they do take a toll. IMO....Stay the course Keds! You are doing okay! :battle: As the saying goes, if you don't like your name change it. And if others don't like those changes. Oh well. And I don't mean that in a callous way but why should you suffer just so others can maintain their status quo idea of who you should be?! The heck with that garbage! Keds, for myself I am beginning to discover that I disappeared the day I surrendered my babies. The girl I was, and oh Keds, even though I was a little street urchin, I was fabulous in a way!! I had guts but it feels like I used every ounce of the guts I had just to say goodbye to my son and daughter. Again, perhaps in relocating your bson you are discovering the "you" you lost. A sort of time-warp thing... You've been in suspended amination. And now you are going back to that time. Meanwhile, other people in your life choose to remain asleep. There is little you can do in the end but keep walking your road. That is what I learned in recovery. Not everyone in your immediate family/household will be walking with you. Some will lag behind; some will remain stationary. But you will continue to move forward. I won't lie to you. This is not an easy thing. In fact, there will be days when it feels impossible. But that's okay. Maybe for the first time since you surrendered your son, you are doing for yourself. Good for you! :cheer: Janey

No words of advice here, just support. ((((HUGS))))

In reading Janey's words, a couple thoughts come to my mind (WARNING....Kathy's thinking again!!) One thing I have learned is that every change is followed by the urge to "change back." Our families who want us to change are uncomfortable with that change when we make it. (This happens when alcoholics begin recovery... the family doesn't know how to "deal" with the now sober alcoholic.) We are uncomfortable with the changes we are making as we enter unfamiliar territory and we have to fight the urge to "change back" and stay with the familiar even though we know the change is good.I remember my mother crying out one time, "You won't let me change." She was right: we expected her to act and react in certain ways and we behaved accordingly. We almost forced her into the very dysfunctions she was trying to change. Keds, I use an assessment tool called Prepare for couples planning to marry. There is one for people who are married called Enrich. It enables a couple (with the help of a third person) look at the strengths of their marriage and the weaknesses and to improve their communication skills. Something like that might be useful for you.Recognise that as we "work through our issues" and become who are are meant to be, we will make those around us uncomfortable and they will feel they don't know us anymore. D's bfather changed over the years; we talked about it one time and he said that he finally got tired of trying to be who other people thought he should be and decided to be who he really was. (I liked the second person better, btw.)

Keds, I sure feel for you. I know how you feel after 25 years and wake up and "who is this person". I left... and even though, for me and my ex, it was a good thing - there are still very lonely times. If he loves you more, then it seems that there is a lot of good there and definitely the foundation for another 25 years. But those I know, who have not only gotten thru the empty nest but thrived, are the ones who did something like what kakuehl suggested. Things have already changed .. and they made something marvelously different. And these people didn't have an adoption reunion which obviously changed things also. Instead of trying to fight the change and go backwards, then maybe both of you embracing the change, with help, will make an ok marriage - a great marriage. Good luck. Jill

Hey Keds - Re. what Kathy suggested: My Uncle and Aunt went through a really rough patch in their marraige about 8 years ago and they did something like this through their church. It helped them tremendously and everyone noticed the difference. Perhaps you could suggest something like this to your husband. Kathy wrote: Keds, it sounds as if you have reached the point where this is no longer possible. That is frightening too. People go into recovery or change with a goal or two in mind. The goals differ. Sometimes it's to change a situation, or another person's behavior, or the effect that person's behavior is having on the lives around them. Or sometimes, as in the case of your reunion, outside issues force that change upon us. Yet whatever the reasons are, some of us look in the mirror one day and say, "I've had enough. I can't be this person anymore. This person isn't me." And so the journey begins. I read a book once about fear of change. It was written by a man for men and he used parables in everyday life to make his point. I thought it was fascinating to see how men think...how they solve problems and so I read the book and was really impressed by it. There was one parable in it that really struck me. I'm doing this from memory so it's loosely translated but... The author proposed that we think of personal change as sort of like changing lanes on the freeway. He listed this change in steps: 1. We're driving behind another vehicle that's plodding along in our lane, frustrating us, and we realize we need to get out from behind it. Step one - realizing that something within or without ourselves is holding us back and that we must change. 2. We decide to change lanes so we look in our rearview mirror and side mirror to check and see if there's anything behind us. Step two - coming to terms with past wounds or pain. 3. We see that there's nothing coming up behind to block our path and that there's nothing to our side keeping us from changing. Still for a moment we hesitate. Step three - the fear of the unknown. (What will happen once I take the risk to swing out into traffic and pass the obstacle in front of me?) 4. We vacillate a moment longer between changing lanes or remaining blocked. Then we realize we can longer stand life in the lane we're in...it's going nowhere. So we flip on our indicator light and begin merging into the next lane. Step four - signaling through words or action that we are changing for our own benefit. 5. We realize that we are now out "in traffic" and that we cannot slow down and swing back in behind the vehicle we were trying to pass in the first place. Now, we have no choice but to accelerate and pass the obstacle thereby getting ahead of it. Step five - accepting that we've reached the point where we can no longer live with we who we were and that we must put petal to the medal and become the person we feel we are meant to be. Just wanted to share that with you as I found it to be very helpful in my life. Kathy also wrote - Perhaps some part of you is crying this out to yourself. Kudos to you for having the courage to listen. Have a wonderful day! Janey

Janey and Kathy - thank you so much, I do feel that you are my friends in that, unlike those friends I see day to day you speak objectively. Yes, I am wavering, it would be easier to remain the same and there are some co-dependancy issues but I am done with all that. I credit this site for showing me that I have made myself a lesser person, not anyone else (althought they may be the grease on those wheels). I spoke to hubby quite frankly last night (it is helpful that a close friend of ours who was married the year before us has "walked out"). He asked me point blank if that is what I wanted, to be honest no. I just want the freedom to be me. We're working it out but, I do know that, in some respects, the only reason we did marry in the first place was my insecurity that nobody else would want to because we had bson and placed him for adoption. I now realize that if you love someone (bson and bdad) as much as I do that the rest of the world doesn't matter, now or 25 years ago. Of course, times have changed (thank God) so there are still a lot of raw emotions but I think that we'll make it. THANKS!

I'm glad to hear it! Marriage, like reunion is a roller coaster; sometimes the relationship is close, sometimes it's distant. I'm praying you do "make it." In my neck of the woods, there are also "marriange encounter" weekends that are very affordable and run by a trained couple (one a pastor). They allow couples to spend a weekend working on their marriage. they are supposed to be very good. (Notice that I haven't been to one!) I continue to hold you in my prayers.

Hey Keds! :love: I am sort of laughing at myself here. A friend of mine in real-time once asked me if I thought her husband of 20 years was an a*****e. In truth I thought he was king of the a******s and that he should have had a throne built in his honor. Not that he was abusive or anything; he was just a cheapskate. (Trust me...this guy wouldn't just make a penny cry - he'd make it want to form a union and go on strike.) But we were face to face, my friend and I, and I could tell she wasn't really asking me a question so much as she was looking for someone to sort of not answer (if that makes any sense). Plus, I guess I chickened out. So I sort of hemmed and hawed and fidgeted and then said, "Ahh...what do you think?" She said she thought he was just misunderstood and that she loved him no matter what anyone else believed. Whew! Glad I didn't say what I wanted to say. Just wanted to say that I am beginning to see that none of us here have never been "lesser" people, just more human than some maybe. Well said! Kathy - [QUOTE]They allow couples to spend a weekend working on their marriage. they are supposed to be very good. (Notice that I haven't been to one!) LOL! Have a great day guys! Janey