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This is my first posting on this forum and perhaps my only. In March of 2008, I found out at the age of 37 that both my twin brother and myself were adopted. My life has been no crystal stair case to say the least. My adopted parents retrieved both my twin and myself from Catholic Charaties back in the 70s. As many of you might already know-the culture during that time was to not tell the children.
At age 11, my adopted parents divorced and I was placed into a boarding school for children from broken homes as was my twin. My adopted mother had fallen into a deep depression and was unable to care for us. At 18 we were released to our own devices to the world. Needless to say, our relationship with our adopted mother was strained. A few years ago my adopted mother died. When she passed way, I truly believed she was my biological mother and that her husband was my biological father. Today I am a therpaist and use hypnosis at my practice to help children attach with their adoptive parents. Im a good hypnotist, but sometimes the pain is deep that even hypnosis can fix the problem.
A long story short-at age 37 and 6 years after the death of my adopted mother, I received a phone call from my biological brother informing that I had been adopted. After checking with my adopted mothers sisters, the story was confirmed.
Why am I mentioning this to parents thinking of adopting a child? I want you to know how important it is to tell your children the news when they are at an appropriate age. I grew up really screwed up and I think a lot of it has to do with the anxiety I felt both from being abandoned by my biological mother and then of course by my real mother. I think adoption is a really wonderful course for people to have. In all honesty, every little step you take from the moment you get that child will have an influence on how that child develops. If you love the child and truly nurture them, truly are honest with them, truly love them and stimulate their brains, the child's chances of coming out okay increase. However, its vital to let the child know right way. A lot of things happend with me such as Anxiety, attachment disorder and a few other problems. All in all, the experience has made me love my biological mother even more. My biological mother never told me the news because she never wanted to hurt me...and in her memory, I will always think of her as my real mom and love her even more today-even though we were never close. Parents, tell your children if you make the decision to adopt. You can find out from others what that age is...but for the over all well being of the child, you really should let them know.
Frank
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Frank, I'm so sorry that your parents didn't tell you such an important part of your history. I'm sure their misguided attempt to hide this from you and others was done out of love.
I was adopted in the 50's from an unwed mother's home, very closed. In my opinion, the appropriate age to tell kids is from birth. I always knew I was adopted, even before there was any way I could understand what that meant. I had an adoption story - instead of a birth story. What this meant to me and my sister is that mom and dad put their own spin on adoption - chosen, not retreived; given out of love, not dumped; bparents not in a place to be parents, aparents wanting to be parents with all their hearts; etc. As I got bigger and knew more about adoption and what it meant, my aparents beliefs had become mine and other people's opinion never affected me.
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Thankfully, when I made my adoption plan, aparents were already being instructed to tell the children they were adopted from the earliest possible age. I don't think there was ever a time my son didn't know he was adopted.
Frank, I'm sorry for what you went through, not knowing you were adopted until your late 30s. The prevailing notion back in the closed era was that it was better if the children did not know, and if the aparents acted as if they themselves had given birth to the child. As you illustrate, this was misguided "wisdom" at best.
Thank You for those responses and I apprciate your kind words. There is nothing I can do to change my past-only change the future. It's nice to know there is a place here where I can talk with others. I just want parents to know that they should tell the kids.
In my adult hood ( I work in Social Work) I've spent years working with adopted kids, not knowing I was adopted myself. Luckily, I have a twin brother and we are close. Parents should know some of the difficulties associated with adoption as far as how it relates to kids developing. Besides telling the kid the truth, it's vital to hold, caress, use soft words and love that child from the moment you receive him or her. From 0-2 years old, the child is still developing mentally. I don't want to use the fancy mumbo jumbo other than to say his or her personality really begins to form during this time.
I miss my mother, my adopted mother. She was a complete wreck as I remember growing up and after her and my adopted father divorced. I used to be so mad at her but as I've grown older, I realize that she was coping with life w/ the only skills she had. Thank you or your nice responses everyone.
Frank
I am an AP, thank you for your post, I found it very touching. My DD is 3 and she does know she is adopted, and where she was born. I do struggle daily with knowing how much I should introduce about adoption. But will always be honest with as much information as I do know when she asks. Thanks for your heart felt words. You must be an incredibly special person!