b-mom hasnt told daughter or husband about me.

I told my two children about their adopted siblings when they were in junior high school. I think that the longer the secret is kept the more damage it may cause when it comes out. Every person has a right to know their family. I believe she should tell your sister. I do not believe in pressuring her though. However, there may come a time in the future when it becomes apparent that she will never tell your sister about you and you may be faced with the decision to reach out to her yourself. I don't know that at age 18 I would feel this was appropriate, but would consider it later in life. I hope your bmom reconsiders and tells her family about you.

I'm sure your birthmom is terrified about being judged, her life changing etc etc... I'm sorry though. I must say that relationship that is building between my birthson and the daughters I'm raising is something special. I've always felt that the fact I am a birthmother is something that should be told to a potential husband, so I've had 100% support from my husband in searching and reunion. My daughters are also quite young still, so they are growing up thinking it's natural to have a big brother who lives so far away. I guess I would tread lightly though, maybe read some things like 'The Girls who Went Away' to understand what your mother may have gone through and why this could be so scary for her. I hope she changes her mind though!!

I'm not in reunion yet, but still, it took me a long time to tell my spouse that I placed a child, but that is because in the past, when I told guys I was dating, I didn't get very supportive responses. I was worried that my husband wouldn't understand (he does, thankfully, so if there ever is a reunion, he will know and be prepared). I don't have other children, so that is not an issue for me. As far as other family members and friends, they have always known I was a birthmother. I never had to keep it a secret at the time because things were so much more open when I was pregnant. I wasn't sent away or anything. If your mom kept it all hidden, it will be harder for her to come out with it, but I think it would be better if she could tell them. I don't know how long she thinks she can keep you a secret from them, espeically since you are in communication. When I didn't tell my husband, I was not in direct communication with my birthson (and I'm still not, but hoping that will change soon!). Still, I wish I would have told him earlier because he felt initially shocked and hurt that I kept this from him for so long. Maybe your bmom is afraid of rejection by her husband. I know that was a concern for me, too. Do you think if your mom got some counseling around this issue, she could find the strength to tell at least her husband, and maybe the two of them could approach your sister?

Hi: I reunited with Bmom about 20 years ago. It was before email so we wrote letters. It would take her months to reply to each letter. After about two years, she still hadn't told her children. She was divorced so a husband wasn't much of a factor, though he had known about me. I was being mindful of her situation. I was about 24 at the time. I could have very well been in her shoes considering my lifestyle, so I did my best to be understanding of her feelings. I guess I felt kind of like you about the actual reunion. I was angry about the length of time it took her to respond to my letters, but I didn't give any of it much thought. I was footloose and fancy free, with too many other things to focus on. The lack of communication and the time that went before I would receive a response to my letters finally got the better of me. The questions I had about her, her children, my birthfather, and other adoptee questions finally all came out in a thre page, single spaced, letter to her. The letter was actually published in an adoption book, by (I think) R. Sorenson, but I can't remember his name. At the time, yes, two years into reunion, the letters were still going through an intermediary. Would you say that was taking it slow? Anyway, it just so happened that the day that letter arrived in my Bmom's mailbox, was the day my Bsis, who was about 14 at the time, decided to help her mom out by going to get the mail. Guess what she found? Guess what she, being a very nosey teenager, opened and read before Bmom got home from work? Can you imagine what a surprise my Bmom got when she came in the door and found my Bsis crying and screaming at her, "Why didn't you tell me!" Looking back over my reunion with Bmom, I really wonder now if she would have ever told my Bsis and Bbro, or ever even agreed to meet in person, had my Bsis not found that letter. Well, the good news is that even though my reunion with Bmom hasn't been great, my Bsis and I have grown very close over the past 20 years. I know my Bmom was afraid of what people would think of her and still is, but I don't think telling her children was the big deal Bmom thought it would be. My Bmom is a bit of a drama queen, so I'll add here what my Bcousins told me about the time they were told. M was a senior in high school at the time and J was in college. They said Baunt called them in and told them to sit down E had something to tell them. They thought, after being called in and seeing E sitting there looking so serious, that something must be really wrong. They said she went into this big story and told them she had given up a child. They told me that they just looked at her and was, like, so? They told me they just kept thinking what's the big deal? In J's words, "We kept waiting for the punch line." They still shake their heads and roll their eyes over it, even 20 years later. I'm not making light of Bmom's feelings. I understand it was a difficult thing for her, but I wanted to make the point that it wasn't nearly as big a deal to anyone else as she thought it would be. I hope your Bmom gets the courage to tell her daughter and husband soon. The longer she waites the more difficult things will get. Good luck.

Yen, I think that is really tough and is probably a huge impediment to getting a really "full" relationship going. My DH recently contacted his birth mom and had not heard back from her and I wonder if it is because she never told her current husband/other children. (I also an a mom in an open adoption relationship with my DD"s birth parents who for now will not tell their other children who DD is...that's another story!). I realize that there are a lot of (wrong) "stereotypes" about birth mothers so I can understand the reticence. But I also think secrets just have this horrible way of festering and once the sun is on them, it's such a relief. I think you should be honest with her about your feelings and just say that you understand how hard it may be but that you hope someday to be "in the open." I also kind of feel like you are entitled to know your sister and like how long are you supposed to wait? Very tough stuff. Hang in there!!

thanks to all of you. Yes, I agree the longer she waits the harder it will be. She says she is a very privater person and always has been. As a matter of fact when seh was pregnant with her 18 year old (she was in her 30's then) she didnt tell anyone! so, I did email her a little while ago and told her I was nt going to mention it anymore because I didnt want her to feel pressured but I hope one day she will be able to tell them about me. I just left it at that so I dont alienate her from me. Thanks again everyone!

My DH always knew about my birth son; but my daughters did not know about their older half brother. By the time they were old enough to understand I had tuckedӔ it away and while I didnt ғget over it, I compartmentalized the pain to a different area. We carried on with our lives and IԒd get that twinge every once in a whileon his birthday, when my SIL and her husband adopted a little boy, when my niece gave birth to a son on my sonŒs birthday and most of all when my youngest daughter begged for a brother. The placement of my son never really felt like a secret but it was private and caused me a great deal of pain and what ifӒs over the years. When my girls were in their teens I took the plunge and told them about their older half brother. I held my breath and waited for the accusations, the judgments and the disappointment. None came. My oldest gave me a hug and my youngest simply said, ԓI knew it! I ALWAYS knew I had a brother! I was SUPPOSE to have a brother! Over the next few years theyԒd ask me carefully worded questions and always seemed surprised that Im not broken; that IҒm strong. Now we talk openly about him and what it might be like should we ever have the opportunity to meet him. I feel so ashamed that I underestimated these wonderful women I had the privilege and joy to raise. Hopefully your first mom will find the strength to tell her family about you. Hopefully shell be as happy as I am that she did. Good luck to you.

Honesty is always the best policy, unfortunately your bmom can't bring herself to understand that if there is love then there is no shame. God does not make mistakes. bprice215

YENSENM If you tell then you have to speak about it.. there will be questions.. and there may be a how could you do that.Ӕ And how do you answer something like that when you honestly do not know yourself.. The fear of being outedђ.. the fear of telling ones partner that there is a great big elephant in the middle of the room and the partnership the relationship lacks intimacy.. A daughter that is going to ask questions.. bring up all the emotions that have been stuffed for a long time.. And.. fear.. The lesson learned when giving a child up is for some.. you will be loved if you do this.. and if she got no support.. no love.. no help.. then her childhood lesson was one of tell no one.. and do not expect any kind of love when you mess up.. unless you comply.. And to comply in order to be loved.. you must give up your first born.. These were my lessons.. and I came to reality in stages.. IMO she has her head buried firmly in the sand.. One must not fall from grace and one must make sure ones child does not fall from grace.. Again lack of intimacy.. lessen learned when giving a baby up at 16 Survival.. mode.. I do not think its personal.. its about what happened to her when she relinquished.. We have terrible traumas in our lives and we sort them at the time we have them or we do sometimes.. and some of us do this.. If we sort them by letting the lessons go deep and then never speaking about said lessons then we have sorted nothing.. and we are in shut down mode.. Nothing in and nothing out.. no new info.. no therapist telling her she has not grieved the loss of her daughter.. She will be exposed.. she will have to speak about what happened.. and she will have to deal with the lack of intimacy in her relationships with her family.. who knows how she will react.. This is such a terrible terrible thing to ponder.. I do not know the answer.. I think you have an absolute right to know your sister.. I do not think you should have to live in secrecy.. But the way it was done back then was brutal for some.. Jackie Please note.. these opinions are all mine.. and may be totally wrong..

Hey Melissa, Hi. My name's Janey and I surrendered twins so I am coming at this from the birthmother angle. Sending a hug to you. <<<Melissa>>>> First I wanted to say that Jackie's response is right on target, IMO. First, I wanted to say I am so sorry that your bmom said this to you. What I get from what she said is that she feels deep shame. Not at you, at herself. Sometimes people paint an image of themselves and they don't want that image shattered by any truth. By truth I mean reality and all the emotions that brings with it. I think what your bmom endured was so painful for her that she actually might've tried to tell herself that she could hide her pain from herself forever. It's the mechanics of shame and grief. We all do this I suspect with different things in our lives that knock us to the ground. We tell ourselves whatever we have to to get back up. I would venture to guess that deep down your mother is so relieved to have been reunited with you. Now however she faces the difficult task of being reunited with herself. I am hoping that makes sense. And you have every right to be hurt. No one wants to be kept in a closet. You are curious, you have a sister you'd like to meet. I would venture a guess that this withholding to her family that your bmom is doing actually isn't about you as much as it is about her. The old "what will they think?" "what if?" scenario. She's kept silent for years and now she has to break that silence. It is about taking the ultimate risk; letting down the wall and admitting that you've kept something from people you loved. She's afraid. Also, once she admits to her husband and daughter that she once lost a child (that's how I think of my babies - as lost) once she admits that....she's going to hear herself say it and then the grief will hit her hard. That's my opinion of that at any rate. On this, I can only speak for myself. I would want my family to know because then I would be free of the guilt and fear; all of it. But for other people? Well...sometimes it takes time. I know you must be anxious to be a part of your birth family's life and that is understandable; completely. As Jackie has said in her post to you, you have a right to know your sister. Absolutely. And it is a terrible thing that you are suffering here. Perhaps you can continue to garner a relationship with your bmom....build it up....bide some time and try to breach this again later. I know that would be hard; I certainly would struggle with it. Also, I would read some posts from women in here and what they've experienced at the hands of the public when they've disclosed that they surrendered children. Maybe you could even do a post asking people what they experienced. I think you'll be surprised how cruel not only society can be. But what women from the closed era endured at the hands of the hospital and court systems. I hope I've helped a little and that also things get better for you and your bmom. Have a wonderful day today! :grouphug: Janey

Hi Melissa, I'm not sure how old you are but I'm a 38 year old adoptee. Back then, when a girl got pregnant out of wedlock she was generally forced into giving up her baby and then told to never talk about it or tell their future husband and subsequent children. Sweep it all under the rug. So now, your bmom has a new husband and a young daughter. She has a life and I'm sure she is TERRIFIED of losing, being judged and any other sort of backlash. It's not about you at all, it's about her fears. My bmom has been married for 36 years and her husband does not know about me. My 1/2 sibs are 35 and 33 and have "known about me for years". Explain that...LOL! Anyway, you can't make her do anything. She has to do the work and get there on her own. The waiting is hard but pushing could ruin it all. Hang in there! If you haven't read the book, "The Girls Who Went Away", I would highly suggest it. It has helped me understand bmom tremendously.

You are out of the bag, as they say. The more you communitcate the harder it will be for her to keep you a secret. She will slip up and tell someone, that someone will slip up. Send her a list of books. A husband of 5 years knows she has had sex before, she has an 18 year old daughter he can see. He isn't going to go anywhere becasue of something she did at 17. Encourage her to watch Locator, I am not thrilled with the guy who does the show. But any show about reunion will trigger something. Just keep up the emails, ask for a phone number, ask for a time to call. The more you are there the easier it will get for her. The more she will not want to keep secret. good luck

I can really sympathize with both the adoptee and bmom when there is such deep secrecy. The fact that you have reunited with bmom will make it difficult for her to continue keeping you a secret. They day you found each other you became more of a reality. Her past has hit her head on. Lies and secrecy are damaging and hurtful. In my case my own bmom took her secret of me to her grave even when confronted by one of her raised daughters who was confronted by a man claiming to have a baby with her mother (my obvious bfather). This is because the raised daughter looks like an identical twin of bmom. Unfortunately all the raised daughter got was the man's first name as she was in disbelief (I wish she had nmore info on him). Anyhow, in my case I didn't find til after bmom was dead and it made reunion with siblings a total nightmare as I was met with anger, rejection and accuasations. They hate me because of their mother's refusal to tell them the truth. The sad part of it all is I was raised as cousins with these siblings and we had pretty good relationships until the truth came to surface. I say give bmom sometime and let her know that you do understand how difficult it must be, but also the longer this secret goes on the harder it will be to come clean. I would not wish what happened to me on anyone and while it sux to be a dirty little secret then a vilan because I exposed the truth, I can also understand my siblings position. EZ