Advertisements
this seemed the most appropriate place to post this so here it goes...
Background: I have a 2 year old bio daughter and 1 year old adopted daughter (they are 14 months apart). Long story short, my younger sister got pregnant unexpectantly, didn't want to be a Mom and agreed to adoption by my husband and I. When the baby (C) was born my husband and I were first to hold her. I stayed the night in the hospital with her (and my sister) and I attended to ALL of her needs. C came home with us and my sister was not allowed contact with her for the first month to help ease bonding (My bio daughter was a preemie and I know all to well the power that a bio-mom's scent can have on an infant). Flash forward... she is 15 months old now. My sister spends some time with her and has bonded with her in a way that is appropriate for her role as aunt.
Problem: C is a screamer and is addicted to me!!! From the moment she was born she would scream unless she was being held. The night she was born I slept in a chair craddling her because that was the only way the three of us could get any rest. After a week at home she turned into a really good sleeper at night but from the time she would wake up in the morning (between 6am-8am) until she went down for the night (about 11PM) she would scream (almost non-stop) unless she was eating or napping. Holding her would help in the early parts of the day but in the latter half even that didn't help. By about 4 months old she had settled into a routine similar to her sisters, which meant she was going to bed at 7:30pm. This helped, but she would still spend the majority of her waking hours screaming. The doctor's said it might be collic but were reluctant to make an official diagnosis because she slept so well. The screaming would have the whole family stressed out so our system for dealing with it from the time she was about 3-4 weeks old was this: If she could be comforted, we would do our best to comfort her (I am a SAHM and Dad works alot so mostly it was me doing the comforting). If she couldn't be comforted (I mean she would literally be pushing us away) we would kill 2 birds with one stone and put her in her room for Tummy-time. Then at 6 months she started crawling and the screaming eased up a little during the day but the evenings were still a total nightmare. Up until this point she had been a total mommies girl but now it FINALLY seemed as though she had developed an attachment to my husband as well and we even thought she might end up being a daddie's girl. Well then she went and got sick; nothing serious just a stomache flu. But then over the course of the next 2-3 months both of my girls were sick a total of 8 times each (I know that's alot but I do keep a clean house and we all practice safe and healthy hygene habits. It was just a fluke from having a toddler and baby together combined with the fact that we receive regular visits from 3 grandparents and 1 aunt who either work in customer service or health care and everyone kept getting everyone else sick during winter). Anyway as soon as she got sick all she wanted was mommy and refused anyone else. Daddy tried to help but she would repeatedly reject him until he was so hurt that he kinda gave up.
Where we are now:
*She only wants Mom, all of Mom, all of the time. I give both of my girls alot of attention as I am a SAHM, but I also have time during the day where I need to get things done and the girls are expected to entertain themseleves. I have a pretty good routine and this time is usually the same each day (after breakfast) so they should both be pretty used to it. It doesn't make a difference though. Almost anytime I am not giving C attention she is screaming. The only exception to this is when I am away from her (she is at grandma's/Auntie's or Mommy is not home). She has almost nothing to do with my husband unless I am gone. While he could always make an even greater effort I think he has made a fair effort to bond with her. It's breaking my heart and I am concerned that this is is possibly the beginning of what might turn out to be a bigger problem with the two of them especially since I am biologically related to her (Biomom is my sister) and my husband is not. I am trying to help him bond with her but my ideas are limited and she is resistant and we also have to make sure that our 2 year old is getting her share of attention as well.
*I am also concerned with how she is developing socially. This has actually made it difficult for everyone in our family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) to bond with her with the exception of myself and my MIL. She can be so difficult and while I believe she is an overall happy child, she doens't openly express it in a way that is rewarding to those who are making an effort to please her. Her forms of expression are limited. Anything displeasing results in a shrieking scream that resembles a newborn's hunger cry. It is extremely difficult to get her to laugh or even smile and I think it's wearing on everyone. Myself and my MIL are the only people who seem to really be able to handle her for any length of time. I can't leave her in the nursery at church. When we have play dates with other children, even though my other daughter is involved as well, C seems to almost go out of her way to avoid being around the other children. I know at this age they don't really play too much with each other but she seems to almost make a conscience effort to avoid it. I am especially concerned because her personality and temperment greatly resemble my sister (her biomom) at that age, and my sister had social problems her entire life that effected every aspect of her life (including eduation) and were made a great deal worse by the way others (adults as well as children) responded to her.
I only want what's best for her but I am at my wits end here. It is hard enough to deal with her screaming all the time along with taking care of a rambunctious two year old, but then I have to deal with my grumpy husband (who you could say is my 1st baby =) because he has to come home from a long hot day at work only to listen to the screaming of a child who (as he would put it) wants nothing to do with him. The situation would be difficult enough if she were our biological child, but it's even more challenging because she is not. I think my husband worries she will never love him, and the rejection makes him bitter and resentful. I worry about them both; his feelings of rejection now and her possible feelings of rejection in the future.
Our firstborne was a preemie and spent the first two months of her life in the NICU, so she has always been somewhat independent, yet she has a healthy attachment to both of us, so we are swimming in uncharted territories here and I could really use some advice or encouragment regarding both my daughter and husbands relationship and my daughter's social developement. IS this a real problem or am I being overly concerned and will it work itself out on it's own?
Like
Share
I have no experience with this, so I apologize if I sound out of line... but could your adopted child been exposed to alcohol or any other drugs during your sister's pregnancies? Is C able to communicate or is she getting frustrated? Have you taught her sign language? so she can express herself instead of screaming? HOpefully someone else on here can give you some insight... good luck
Advertisements
yah, my sister drank very heavly until she found out she was pregnant (about 2 months along). After that she smoked (cigarettes) occasionally but that was it. When she was first born the doctors suggested this might be the issue, but I am confident that my sister stopped when she found out she was pregnant (she moved in with my mom and has changed her entire lifestyle since the decision was made that my husband and I would adopt her- just days after she found out about the pregnancy) So even the doctor's agreed that it was a stretch to think it was from the alcohol or nicotine (6-7 months later would be a long time for her to have withdrawls at birth) and even if it were, shouldn't she be better by now, at 15 months old? She did have to stay in the hospital an extra night for monitoring but there were no issues that we have been informed of. And i am about 80% sure that my sister was given a drug test and it was negative. BTW, you weren't out of line and I actually meant to mention it in my original post but it was already so long I forgot. I tried to find information about alcohol exposed infants and the effects the first couple of months after she was born, but I couldn't really find anything alarming except FAS and she was not diagnosed as having this. So I blew off the idea altogether of alcohol being the cause. Hmm... I don't really know where to go from here, especially since none of the doctors she has seen really seem to be concerned (although she has a well child appointment tomorrow and I will be bringing it up again).
oh yeah. about the communicating... she is learning to talk and learning very quikly. That's the other thing that is so perplexing about her. She is sooooooo smart. She has hit all of her developmental milestones very early except, of course, for the social ones. rolling over both directions at 3 monthsfully crawling by six monthswalking (well) at 10 months also started playing with toys earlier then is usualy expected and could figure out how do things/work things very early. but she didn't start smiling until around 4 or 5 months old and we never heard her laugh until she was like 10 months old. Now she is learning to talk and I can't believe how quikly she is picking up words compared not only with my older daughter but with all of their toddler play friends who I have watched grow up since birth. This little girl is sooooo smart. She just doesn't seem to be developing socially at the same level. I don't think I would be quite as concerned if it weren't for the fact that her social developement and personality/temperment are almost identical with my sister at the same age and my sister had a very troubled life, especially in school. I want a better life for my daughter.
Really smart, socially behind possibly, a screamer who needs routine, slow to smile and laugh, shows little emotion in her face...........could be WAY off, but some if not all of those can be signs of autism and with there being such a broad spectrum of the disease many who are diagnosed do not fit all of the profile. Just something you may want to read about to see if there are other signs you see in her and then speak to the pediatrician about your concerns.
Kim
yah, my mom and I have considered that as well, but she has bonded so well with me (and pretty good with my mom and MIL as well) and she is comfortable with eye contact (as long as she is comfortable with the individual) and while she is really smart and seems intellectually ahead for her age she doesn't seem TOO smart. But yes, it is certainly a thought that has lingered in the back of my mind. I think that I am going to press the doctor for some assistance, maybe Early Intervention or something along those lines. It may be nothing but a reserved and shy temperment but I don't want to wait until she is in school and having to repeat kindergarten for social issues (like my sister had to do) to find out, you know? I would imagine that since she was exposed to a great deal of alcohol (even it was early in the pregnancy) that it might make her elligible for something like the Early Start program, even if it is just an assesment. I don't want there to be anything wrong with her, but if we can't find a problem then I am not sure how to help her.
Advertisements
Quite honestly, autism was the second thing I thought of after alochol during pregnancy, but wasn't sure of the answers to the first. I would definitely see about early intervention and continue getting assessed. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, there is... just keep pushing it! Keep us posted
She might also be having some sensory issues. Do you have a sling or a baby carrier to wear her? Honestly, I would consider food allergies as well. I've seen children who had acid reflux or food allergies behave this way as well. It is hard when they are little and can't tell you what is wrong.
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]My lil' guy was born in Russia so alcohol exposure is always possible but we have no proof and he came from a low risk situation. That being said...he was adopted at 8 months 1 days old was a SCREAMER! He had anxious (insecure) attachment and hated his daddy his first 11 months home. He only wanted mommy...mommy or he SCREAMED. He did not sleep...in fact he didn't sleep through the night until he was 2.5 years old. We did heavy attachment parenting and after he had been home 30 months he finally realized we too would not be leaving him. It was the toughest thing we ever done...the first year was hell...the next year was a living nightmare...and then it was just hard for the next 6 months. The following 12 months we walked on pins and needles wondering if the next regression was right around the corner. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Once we healed the attachment (and yes an infant adopted at birth or even a bio child can have attachment issues) we realized things were still not 'right.' At age 2 I began to think DS had sensory issues...pedi didn't agree so I didn't fight it (a huge mistake.) Finally by age 3, the pedi agreed that something was up and I started working with our school district. Last May DS was evaluated and thought to be either autistic or delayed with sensory issues. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]At that point we made some diet changes and added some supplements and DS's behaviors improved. Last August DS was determined to have moderate to severe sensory processing disorder (SPD), significant developmental delays, and a severe speech impairment. In early September he started a 'special' pre-K...he is doing great and imporved immensely. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]He has been going to OT for a couple of months now and his dysregulation is so much less frequent. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]I now realize that many of the behaviors we thought were attachment related were actually part of his SPD...and often alcohol related issues overlap with attachment, sensory and others. I do think DS had some minor alcohol exposure in utero...I have no proof and doubt it was alot but enough to cause some neuro related issues like SPD and his eye condition (nystagmus.) [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Has she been evulated by Early Intervention? If not, that is a great place to start.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Good luck...hang in...I know how tough it can be. [/FONT]
spoke with Ped yesterday and while I sensed she didn't really think anything was wrong, once i reminded her of the exposure to alcohol (hey, I'll work it however I have to) then she agreed to a referral to physcology. So we have 1 of at least 2 appointments scheduled for the end of the month and we'll take it from there. I do know that even if there isn't a definable problem (could just be her temperment/personality), she is going to need some extra support to thrive socialy and so I am hoping that my husband and I will at the very least, get some direction as to how we can best do this for her.
Advertisements