Birthparents meeting Adoptive Parents

I've never consider your point of view and I'm not sure why. It's not that I wouldn't want to meet my daughters aparents because I would be willing to meet them and I am aware that I'd be at my best because it would be so very important to my daughter. You raise some very interesting points that I must consider. Thanks for opening my eyes and best of luck to you too. bprice215

bprice, Its all so hard to figure out. I know you are trying and I know you are very respectful of everyone. I really wish you the best in your relationship with your daughter. You desreve it!

Secrets destroy... Why would an adoptee who has a good relationship with their adoptive families not want to include their adoptive family in their new birth family relationship. Why would a birth family member not want to know the family their child was raised in? The child received the 'nature' from their birth family and 'nurture' from their adoptive family...two families...one child...one family. Secrets, ego, jealousy, envy, pain of loss, has no part in a family, any family. Sharing the good and getting through the rough parts together is being family. We are adopted into a family. We are brought up in that family. We want to know our birth family. Secrets created the divide, truth disolves that divide. Love of the child is the reason to meet. If you want to be part of a persons life you cannot dictate to them what part you want or the person cannot talk about...that is not a relationship it is called control and is the basis of a false relationship. The child who was put up for adoption should not have to hide their adopted life from the birth family or vice versa...the child has two families...secrets and half truths destroy. My family is my family and it is made up of two families. To deny one family because the other wishes me to do so would be a lie which in my opinion is simply the same word for secret. I could not and would not hide one from the other...there is no reason to hide...that is what was and now we have a chance to be open and honest to all, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Kind regards,Dickons

awesome post dickens and oh so true!

M did not want to meet me, or see us, either time that she and J have gotten together, but he made it a condition of the visit both times. We weren't with them the whole time because the visits always included days that they were able to go off and spend time without us. He was not willing to accept an arrangement from her that included rejection of us based on fear, and frankly I think he would have stood up to us just us much if we had tried to refuse to meet her or force him to compartmentalize his life. I have read much, however, of adoptees who find it too stressful to have both aparents and baparents in the same place and also bparents and aparents who prefer not to meet. Reunion is hard and everyone does the best they can and copes in the way they know how. For me, my perspective was that as much as it pains me that I am not who gave birth to J (an understatement, it rips my heart out), that is the reality, our reality, and so to try to block her out from my life felt dishonest and unfair to my son. I can't speak for birth parents or adoptive parents who don't want to meet up and I hesitate to judge anyone because adoption can be hard for everyone involved. But I do resonate with Dickons' first 2 questions. Despite the personal pain and fear involved for both ends, I don't understand refusing to meet.

I think in some cases (like mine) if there was a history of some less than nice things that were said/done over the years prior to reunion, it is totally understandable why some 1st parents might not want to meet with the adoptive parents. However, regardless of what happened in the past I will be meeting my son's adoptive parents in the very near future and can only hope for the best.

Thanks for your responses. My mom is here now. I am scanning them while I wait for relatives to come (her family...my bfamily). I am sure there will be a time in my daughter's life...high school graduations, first communion...that they are all going to be together. I think for my mom, the hurt of not being able to raise me is still very close to her heart right now. In time...we'll see. I think she is unease due to social status (me being raised in a wealthy family and she being a hard working class woman). My aparents are not judging, but she knows they are very conservative, she is afraid of what they would think of her. I tell her not to worry but....Oh well, maybe some day!

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. He was very scared of meeting me and asked both his parents to come with him. So we all met up for the first time in a nice restaurant. I was extremely nervous that I wouldn't "pass muster", but his parents handled the whole evening very graciously. There were a few awkward moments, but all in all, it turned out great. After dinner, they invited me back to their home so that I could look at photographs and get to know them a little better. The first few years in reunion, I often spoke with his mom on the phone. My son was dealing with a drug addiction at the time, and it was important for the adults in his life to be "onboard" with each other in order for our son to recover. (He now has more than 14 years of being clean and sober.) It wasn't always easy dealing with his parents, but I knew I had to try to build a positive relationship with them for our son's sake. I'm not in contact with his parents anymore, mainly because I moved out of the area. But I'm comfortable enough around them that I would enjoy seeing them both again.

Wow! Sounds like a carbon copy of our first meeting. I think in our case her fear wasn't of passing muster but of how she feared we might treat her and the situation in general. We too had a couple awkward moments, but I'm glad that we all learned that none of us bite and that we can enjoy a nice evening together. Same evening for us- dinner, then back to our house for pictures, etc. I'm glad your first meeting went as well as ours did. :)

For me it's about my relationship with my bchild. I respect her parents, they are good people, they have a lovely family etc but I have no desire to meet up with them. Most of my friends have never met my parents, it's not a condition of our friendship - BTW I have no desire to meet their parents either...that's how I look at it. I am grateful everyday that her parents lover her etc...

Heidi, when I read your response and saw your San Diego avatar, I had to check your profile to make sure you weren't my son's mom, lol! I am a native San Diegan (Pacific Beach), but moved up to the Sierra foothills a few years back. (And I miss the ocean like you wouldn't believe!!) Anyway, my kiddo grew up in San Diego too, and that is where our reunion took place. :) I'm glad your experience was positive like mine was! I think having a good relationship between aparents and bparents makes the reunion go so much smoother on everybody. It has always been very important to me that my son not feel like he has to choose between us. By me getting to know and respect his parents, I think DS didn't have to struggle as hard with conflicting loyalties as some reunited adoptees do.

Just curious...does your child talk about her adoptive family life in everyday conversation or is it solely about what she does outside of her adoptive family? Kind regards,Dickons

we don't talk so that not an issue! But if we did reconnect then I wouldn't be open to the big family get togethers - if that was offered. I'd rather meet her for coffee and then go our own ways. Don't get me wrong, I respect her parents. I would never try to take their place or expect her to put me first nor would I interfere in her relationship with them - just as I would never interfere in my best friend's relationship with her parents - ya know? After talking to lots of adoptees, many feel that a bmother's role is sort of like a friend - not a parent - so that's the kind of relationship I'd want. I wouldn't accept an invite to a big family event from my friends either...I would feel weird.

Wow...this thread sure took off! :)I had a lovely weekend with my mom, sisters and many members of my mom's family. My mom did not meet my parents, and that is fine! I think it will take some time. I do understand each person's point of view, and everyone has to be respectful of that! My mom is thinking of moving back to this area. She loves her grand-daughter (my dd). There will be birthday parties where they will be together if she does in fact move. Maybe this weekend, she just wanted to deal with HER family and not MINE. It has been 7 years since she was back in town, so she had other "reunions" to deal with! :)I did find it interesting that there are some here who have no desire and others who have met. Just shows how different we all are!!

I know from placing my first daughter(step parent adoption/surrogacy),I will not under any circumstance visit with her parents if I can greatly help it(for their sanity and mine!). The stuff I dealt with during and after the pregnancy were a nightmare. Let's just say,it ended in an online mud slinging fest between us. Nobody won except the gossip hounds. Of course I look back,and regret how I treated the situation in response to how I was treated. If my daughter asked that we be in the same room together,I would refuse(unless she could facilitate things which I wouldn't want to burden on her). Adoption no matter what form is equally painful for me. As the years go by,it seems I've formed a scab over the wounds,but at any time it can be ripped off again,exposing things all over again! I was totally unprepared for how I would feel when my daughter went to her new home. Keeping in contact with the family for the following six months,made things raw for me. I know that we are NOT two families that would mesh well based on the past(I walked away angrily because I knew it was not good for me emotionally to continue relations). I don't know how I will feel in the future meeting up with my daughter. She may not want to meet up with me based on amom's feelings towards me(understandable). We both were to blame for the outcome,and I still sit here worrying how my daughter will receive me(if she ever chooses to),and how it would even be possible to ever have the two families talking again.:mad: For now,I sit here anxiously thinking about the future. Who knows,in my case(dad leaving when I was 3-4yrs),all I wanted was to just talk to him a couple times and that was it. I never wanted an ongoing relationship with my bdad,so we'll see if that is the case with my daughter and I.