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Hi everyone...I don't start new threads often, but man, this week has been tough. So full of ups and downs. I got married last weekend. It was amazing. Everything went without a hitch...my birthdaughter and her family were able to come and be part of the big day. I can't even express how great it is.
And then, there were the downs. P got to spend a good chunk of time with a lot of her extended birth family for the first time...She got to meet her five cousins for the first time in six or seven or eight years and got to really get to know them. She got to experience what my life is like and the differences between her current life and what could have been if I had parented her. (Even though what could have been wouldn't have been if I had parented her, because most of what I am doing now is directly related to me placing her.) The hard part has been whatching her grieve the life that she lost...she said several times that she wished she had cousins...She said a couple times that she wished she could stay with me...This has been the hardest week since the very beginning because this has been the first time that I have seen her experiencing the losses that I chose for her.
Her a-parents and I talked about how she was doing and tried to be as supportive as possible for her, but it's pretty rough for her right now. They said that they wouldn't be surprised if she started asking to come and stay with me for a while in a few years...
On the plus side, P and I talked about the possibility of me having another child sometime in the future. Her response was "Start cranking 'em out!" (She's excited about the possibility of coming to visit when the first one is born...)
What a roller coaster week. She is home now...all of the wedding guests have left. I hope P is doing okay...
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I don't know how old your daughter is - mine is 12 (and a half) and I have had the same issues - watching her losses, knowing the life she has now is sad etc. Last summer (just over a year ago) she came for a visit and during that visit she asked if she could come stay with me for a year. Her mother supported this, but her father totally doesn’t support it at all. I am not sure I support it, because she has a “Cinderella View” of my life. We spend several days a year together – that’s all. It was interesting a few months later, when she and her mom came to live with me and she got to see my life up close and personal. She got to see that she was no longer the ‘center of my world’ – and I don’t mean that the way it sounds…but she had to share me, with my life, my work, my son, my husband etc. Things have changed a lot since then – not only between M and I, but also between her family and I. It’s been difficult at best. I harbor a lot of resentment towards the situation they are currently in. I have a hard time, because as a birth mother, I made the most difficult decision a parent has to make, for her best interest – and to see two adults being selfish dorks like they are…it just ticks me off! I recently responded to an email from one of the parents, in which it was a vent fest – and said, “Part of being a parent is having to make some very difficult decisions that can be very painful, all in the best interest of the child” – they didn’t get it and I doubt they ever will. Anyway – back to the topic at hand. Yes, I know what you’re going through and I have been there – I am still somewhat there. It’s hard, very hard. Disappointment with circumstances as well as sadness over witnessing the loss your child is experiencing is one of the hardest things about OA. This is what they talk about when they say OA is hard…it’s not just the visits, its not just seeing your child…its being a witness to their realization that their life was forever altered (for better or worse…) by your decision – and watching them long for what could have been. It sucks. I’m sorry!
Thanks a lot for the support...
P is 13 years old. Just being thirteen is hard and adding the issues that we are working through doesn't make it any easier. I'm really happy that she had the chance to really spend some solid time with her cousins. I wish there was a way for her to spend a chunk of time with me when I wasn't on vacation mode...I think that would give her a better sense of my reality. Regardless, we are moving forward and working things out.