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[FONT=Comic Sans MS]:( I often believed that death and adoption had similarities and by some degree they do, but after going to the service for a 14 year old in my son's school, I now have a change of heart. I believe that they are not nearly as similar as I once thought. The biggest similarity I believe starts with it being an extremely painful experience. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Just so we are clear my adoption was a closed adoption.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]With the death of a child you are surrounded by loved ones that are there to support you and grieve with you. You are allowed to grieve openly and it usually doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, it is expected. Only with faith in a superior being will you have the chance to see that child again. It is forever, it is the end of a life. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]With closed adoption, I was alone--during my pregnancy, during my delivery and much of the time afterward. I was treated horribly by hospital staff. I was called a whore by my mother's fiance. No one grieved with me, and I was expected to get over it and move on. I was not ever expected to see my child again, but there was always that hope. And now 22 years later I have reunited and it is wonderful. My child is still alive, I can see her and I can touch her. Even if I do not get to see her much at least I know that her life is good.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Do I have that faith in a superior being. Yes, and I sure hope that I will be reunited with those in my life that have passed on, but just in my opinion death of a child and the placement of a child into adoption are just not the same.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Grief is a process that steps must be completed, as much as my adoption was painful--I can not imagine those parents pain today as they bury their child. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Maybe it is because it has been 22 years. There are those on here that adoption is much more recent. Also with the increase of open adoption that pain is constant--but definitely different than death..[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] Anyone else have an opinion??
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I have dealt with both and the abortion left me with a hollow empty feeling. It was final for me and of course the baby. The adoption left me a empty hollow feeling as well. It was different though. It is hard for birthmoms because at times you just want to touch them or hear their laugh or something as simple as picking out their outfit for the day. But he has a wonderful beautiful mom who I love. The abortion left me with all negative feelings especially with family. I grieve for both. But with the adoption I still get to see him smile and hold on to the fact that one day I will get to touch him again. I can't have that hope with the other. Like you I hope I don't ever know the answer.
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Janey, you aren't negative. I have experienced all 3. Bson was placed when I was 17 and the day I came home from the hospital was the last time anyone spoke of him for years (I still mourn the loss of the years but realize, as an adult, that it was likely the best thing for him, not easier).
My first pregnancy, after marrying bdad at 24, was complicated and a decision was made (while I was out) that it was me or "him/her" so I have experienced an abortion - not something I would wish on anyone as, in my experience, the worst guilt I have ever felt, and I've had the anger and slurs thrown at me as a bmom. I was blessed to have 2 beautiful daughters but 3 years after my youngest daughter was born I was pregnant again. Sadly, my last child was stillborn. Out of all of my experiences I have to say that the adoption of my son was the hardest - simply because of the unknown! Although the other events in my life were devestating, the not knowing was most difficult. Of course, this is from my perspective so I can't speak for anyone else.
Life is definitely not easy for any of us!
Three weeks after I relinquished my son at age 17, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist for clinical depression. By the end of the session, he had decided I was grieving the loss of my son in the same way that I would have if he had died. Part of his theory made sense to me, but much of it didn't feel right.
In the 36 years that have elapsed since my son's birth, I have come to realize that, for me at least, the unresolved grief I dealt with for so many years was actually more akin to the type of grief and despair that people go thru when their loved ones are missing in action or taken prisoner of war. You aren't ever sure if they're dead or alive...you don't know if they're being taken care of properly or being abused. You have no idea where they are living or if they are living at all.
It was the not knowing that caused me the most pain, I think. When my son was a child, I used to go outside every night, and look at the moon and stars. And I would imagine that somewhere in this big world of ours', he was looking at the same sky. For some reason, this brought me a measure of solace.
The other thing that did give me some peace was my belief that even though I didn't know where my son was living, God knew exactly where he was. So I would pray each and every night that God would keep an extra close eye on my boy. And He did....
Hey there!
I had never thought of it this way before but you're so right!!
You know I had a friend whose son went to prison for 15 years for manslaughter. She said to me once (quoting loosely from memory here), "He got out after 8 years for good behavior but I did the whole 15. I paid the price emotionally. After my son went to prison, I sentenced myself to suffer for his crime."
I think this is what I did to myself, Raven. I sentenced myself to life; a life of living in silence for this percieved sin on my part. When, all along, I was just as human as the next guy.
And you know; this is the truth. Until I came into this forum I thought I was the only one who'd surrendered more than one child. I mean, I had read stories of women who were dying and so they placed their children with relatives to care for them. But I didn't know there were women like me. It was such a relief to read the journeys of others.
Thanks for your always wise words of wisdom and have a wonderful day! :rockband:
Janey
the unresolved grief I dealt with for so many years was actually more akin to the type of grief and despair that people go thru when their loved ones are missing in action or taken prisoner of war.
Grief is grief whether the end result is death or adoption. Yes, there is an outlet when the result is death but that outlet is short lived and still people say negative things. I lost my son at 5 weeks of age to SIDS, the first day I returned to work my co-worker told me she always watched her babies... Grief for the loss of my son brought greater empathy for my birth mother and what she had gone through and would still be going through... Janey you are correct in that time does not heal all wounds...but it does allow for grief to find a place to live in your heart and still not destroy your soul, but it never goes away and it still comes to the front each time something triggers you. Birthday's...anniversaries...when someone asks if you have kids...friends having babies... Kind regards,Dickons
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this is interesting, because yesterday i met with a friend who's baby infant died in the hospital at 12 days old. like her, i had almost 2 weeks with my bdaughter, and we were sharing our pain with each other.
what struck me the most was this: we both have a picture in our minds of the last time we held those babies: each of us knew we had only seconds left with our child, that once those seconds passed, they would never return into our arms.
one of us had no choice: how horrible that must be, to have no control over such a huge event
the other had to make a choice: how cruel that was, knowing i had to sacrifice everything in my heart and soul to "do what was best" for that child - it was almost as if the only way i could let that baby NOT die was to let her go....
all i know is that i was struck by how similar the grief, if not the exact circumstance, was between the two of us. she is the only one i know in "real" life that gets my pain....
i am in reunion, which i guess i've hoped all these years would somehow comfort that grieving 17 year old inside me. intellectually, i am thrilled at the life my bchild had and who she has become. but that baby i let go of 23 years ago? in a very gross sense that baby might as well have died - i never did get to hold her again, and never will. and now in reunion it is that tiny baby that i find i am grieving, not the beautiful young woman that has returned into my life...
PLEASE don't take this as meaning i am not grateful that my bchild is alive and well. i have that comfort, my friend does not. i don't think it's healthy or useful to compare grief in the sense of "what is worse/better" because perhaps it is all the same thing.
imho, all mothers seperated from their children for any reason suffer a profound, horrible, indescribable pain that never really goes away.
I have experienced both losing a child through adoption and a stillbirth after 8 months gestation. Both were daughters, and for me there was no comparison. My tears, thoughts and even days of silence were understood,supported and even expected following the baby's death. They were at times catered to. I had a tiny head stone I could visit and lay flowers upon. My in-laws and parents did the same.
My adoption saga was just as hard, just as painful and no one offered support, understanding or even a shoulder to lean on. The death was final and unexpected but the placement was harder. Tracy
I think that's the key. Although we do have some small comfort of knowing (hoping) our child is still alive, many of us were not allowed to grieve.
I know I was told that I should go through the stages of grieving by a social worker, but how could I when I wasn't allowed to talk about it? When I was supposed to pretend it never happened?
Now that I am in reunion I find myself grieving the years lost, grieving the relationship I'll never have with him since he grew up with other parents.
So it is different. At least for me
Thanks so much for sharing the stories in this thread. I find threads like these tough to read and until recently could not accept that placing was more painful than death, even in OA.
My grandmother's son drowned at 21, she was never the same. My mother "lost" her son to Schizophrenia at 19, she was never the same. Both lived their lives with a dark cloud over them and the pain in their eyes never went away. I just couldn't imagine that something that others view as a choice could cause that kind of lifelong pain. But I get it now. And the social stigma is like constant salt in the wound.
I sometimes try to make myself feel better by telling myself our son's birth mother's age, life situation and the fact that she placed before means that she is in less pain. I think it's very important that I as a partner in an OA realize constantly (not suffer constantly for anyone else) but be aware of this unresolved/unresolve-able (word?) grief so that I can continue to be present, conscious and supportive in our OA. Thanks for allowing me to share.
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Stormster
Thanks so much for sharing the stories in this thread. I find threads like these tough to read and until recently could not accept that placing was more painful than death, even in OA.
My grandmother's son drowned at 21, she was never the same. My mother "lost" her son to Schizophrenia at 19, she was never the same. Both lived their lives with a dark cloud over them and the pain in their eyes never went away. I just couldn't imagine that something that others view as a choice could cause that kind of lifelong pain. But I get it now. And the social stigma is like constant salt in the wound.
I sometimes try to make myself feel better by telling myself our son's birth mother's age, life situation and the fact that she placed before means that she is in less pain. I think it's very important that I as a partner in an OA realize constantly (not suffer constantly for anyone else) but be aware of this unresolved/unresolve-able (word?) grief so that I can continue to be present, conscious and supportive in our OA. Thanks for allowing me to share.
I think that's the key for me how do you grieve a child who's still living and have people understand your need to grieve? Especially for me being in an open adoption - I get to see my child and that should make it all better and well I did "choose" this so I shouldn't have a right to grieve. Oh goodness.... ;)
Dear Dickons,
My heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your precious son.
...
Shaking my head in disgust as I read what this woman said to you. You know, sometimes the callousness of people...well....it's just beyond belief.
I wonder when people say such mean-spirited things if they really have any concept that other human beings are on the planet with them or if it's just that they don't give a darn.
Wishing you well today,
Janey:battle:
I lost my son at 5 weeks of age to SIDS, the first day I returned to work my co-worker told me she always watched her babies
Janeytwo
Dear Dickons,
My heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your precious son.
...
Shaking my head in disgust as I read what this woman said to you. You know, sometimes the callousness of people...well....it's just beyond belief.
I wonder when people say such mean-spirited things if they really have any concept that other human beings are on the planet with them or if it's just that they don't give a darn.
Wishing you well today,
Janey:battle:
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Thanks for the comments...I was shell shocked by her comment and never spoke to her again, (ended up leaving the job), even though I knew in my rational brain that it was stupid it still stung me...to this day it is one of the few things I remember...almost 24 years later. People know when they are being cruel...just like bullies, it makes them feel superior even though in reality they are small hearted people that seem to have no empathy for anyone. Kind regards,Dickons