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i'm a 40 yr old bmother who 9 days ago was reunited for the first time with my 23 year old bdaughter and her parents, who live in another state. we had a beautiful, fairytale reunion; she's had a wonderful life with her very intelligent, compassionate, loving parents whom i also care about deeply.
after feeling elated for the first week after the reunion, i hit a huge wall of depression. i was so surprised at my reaction that i put up a post about this on sunday and have received tons of support from members, which i want to thank everyone for -- you have all been a BIG help to me these last few days. through these posts i've learned it's normal for the birthmother to go through a really difficult time after the reunion, but now i'm starting to wonder about the adoptees and their families. i've ordered The Girls Who Went Away and Primal Wounds and should have them in a few days, but i also think hearing personal experiences is helpful.
before i hit my own pocket of depression i was speaking with my bdaughter on the phone and mentioned there might be some emotional fallout from the reunion on her part and if so just to let me know how to support her...she thanked me but assured me that in her case she had no feelings other than happiness and relief at the reunion. i know her parents are VERY supportive of us being reunited and forming a relationship, so i don't think there is any guilt or pressure on her to declare loyalty. however -- my bdaughter is a very high achiever, valedictiorian of hs, honors in college, very beautiful/well groomed, driven etc...i've been reading about adopted child compliance and wondering if this may be a typical sign of it?
i've read in several posts a few mentions of adoptee's grief, and received a very enlightening im from someone who was kind enough to share their experience with me...i'm hoping a few other's might as well
i'm not trying to look for trouble that isn't there -- i just want to educate myself so that if the time does come that she experiences any emotional issues about all this, i can know how to support her and understand what she is going through as best i can. and also, i'd like to hear post reunion experiences of adoptive parents as well, as i want to be sure to maintain and nurture the loving bond i share with her parents and keep my relationship with my daughter respectful to their needs as well.
so please, if you have any experiences to share, they would be very helpful to me and i'm sure many others. if you want to share privately i welcome im as well
thanks, and looking forward to hearing your stories...
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Hi DJ"
First, congratulations on your reunion. I'm so glad things have gone well so far. There is no reason why they can't continue to go well even with all the emotions. Reunion is definitely a roller coaster. My only advice is to just take it very slow. That's much easier said than done. I would also encourage counceling, because I don't think, no matter, how much you educate yourself or try to prepare, that anyone can truly be "prepared" for reunion and what may come with it. Having an unbias support system in place before hand can be a life saver. If you haven't already, check out the thread "Reunion Socialization". It's a good place to start.
As for my experience, I am an adoptee, who has reunited with both bio parents. I was 23 when my Bmom and I began contact. That reunion wasn't quite what yours was. Neither of us were searching at the time. We were reunited because I have retinitous pigmentosa, a hereditary eye disease, and the doctors needed a medical history, which as an adoptee, I didn't have. Anyway, long story short...
As I said I was 23 when we first started contact. At 23, with no internet back then, and very little information on reunion, the emotional aspect didn't seem to matter much to me at the time. There were emotions, but at 23, I had so much going on. Just out of school, just starting a career, being out on my own, finding myself, my friends, my new adult freedoms, and oh, yes, a boyfriend, goodness, there was no time for an examination of reunion and the emotions that went with it. I had my whole life ahead, and I was having so much fun just being young, and looking forward to the future.
If your Bdaughter has supportive parents, had a good life with them, has a good relationship with them, , andyou are happy to find her and reunite, I think you have a good chance of a long and successful reunion. Above all, just be honest with her, and be careful to keep your issues, well, your issues. My reunion with my Bmom went the wrong way for a few reasons. One reason was that she was not honest with me about so many things. The truth always comes out sooner or later. A second reason things haven't gone well is that she has never gotten past her shame and guilt. In many ways, she has kept me a secret, even after 20 years of reunion. In a way, she put those issues on me and expected me to carry them for her...to understand. Needless to say, we have no real relationship. I think the third reason our relationship failed was because I spent the last 20 years more concerned about her, and her feelings, not wanting to cause her any more pain than my birth had already done, than dealing with my own feelings. When she did things that really hurt me, I should have spoke up, instead of keeping it all inside. Ah, hindsight is 20/20.
Keep in mind every situation is different. This was just my experience. I hope it helped in some way. Be good to yourself through this. When it starts to get you down, don't be afraid to let yourself hurt and grieve. It's the only way to get through to the other side. You will be fine. Good luck.
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thank you so much , shadow, for sharing your story. this is exactly what i was looking for. you sound like a thoughtful person and the fact that you were the same age (23 - well, she'll be 23 in a few months) give me a little of her perspective. what was most helpful to me is you mentioned you fear of hurting her more than she had already been hurt by your birth --those kinds of thoughts are helpful for me to know, as i am so bombarded by my own worries/emotions that i find myself having a hard time knowing what hers are. and ultimatlely, i just want to be a good friend and resourse to her, as well as take care of myself through this. right now, everything appears to be fine with her...which is GREAT...but if and when something appears i just want to be sensitive and prepared. i was so unprepared for my own post-reunion depresision that now i just want to educate myself as much as possible about the many things that might happen, even if they do not.
also want to add that you have my sympathies for things not working out so well...this is deep hard stuff, certainly a lot for a young person to deal with no matter what their background.
thank you for being so honest and helping me...
shadow riderer
Its so important that we all deal with our own issues like you write in this post..
Passing our issues on helps no one.. blaming and not letting go of what happened.. hurts the ones we love the most.. at times..
And the speaking up takes such a strong person..
An unexamined life..
Jackie
Above all, just be honest with her, and be careful to keep your issues, well, your issues. My reunion with my Bmom went the wrong way for a few reasons. One reason was that she was not honest with me about so many things. The truth always comes out sooner or later. A second reason things haven't gone well is that she has never gotten past her shame and guilt. In many ways, she has kept me a secret, even after 20 years of reunion. In a way, she put those issues on me and expected me to carry them for her...to understand. Needless to say, we have no real relationship.
I think the third reason our relationship failed was because I spent the last 20 years more concerned about her, and her feelings, not wanting to cause her any more pain than my birth had already done, than dealing with my own feelings. When she did things that really hurt me, I should have spoke up, instead of keeping it all inside.