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hi all - i've recently made several posts about going through a post reunion (first reunion) depression and how to handle it. my therapist suggested i write an honest letter to my daughter, i will send a copy to her amother first to make sure she thinks it is ok, but would also like any feedback any of you can offer me...is ANY of this hurtful or does any of it need to be reworded? I'm looking for honesty, not compliments, so don't worry about hurting my feelings....thanks, and here it is:
Dear E-
After the joy of our beautiful reunion, I was walking on air and feeling a deep, healing peace inside that is new for me. I truly couldn't be happier at how wonderful our time together was and how much I am looking forward to building a relationship with you and your family. But on Sunday of this week (one week after you left) I woke up feeling very alone and emotionally I began dropping back into my 17 year old self, and into the pain and grief of releasing you all those years ago. It felt overwhelming, and I knew I needed to find some support, so I went to the website I had mentioned to you, adoption.com, and shared with other birthmothers my shock and confusion at my sudden depression. Many kind woman who have been through reunions, both as birthmothers and adoptees, reassured me that this reaction is completely normal and that what I was experiencing was simply the unresolved grief of letting you go that I have carried inside my heart for the last twenty two and a half years.
I'm feeling a bit fragile right now from the weight of all these strong emotions and I just wanted to share with you the truth of what I'm going through. I am sure that it won't take a long time to get my balance back. I have my therapist and lots of support from the website and from other friends I have spoken to about this. I just need to reconcile all the years of pain that I felt while not being with you while I get used to feeling the joy of having you back in my life. I wanted to share this with you rather than pretending I am feeling perfectly fine or withdrawing from you to hide my grief. I truly want to build a healthy, strong foundation for a lifelong relationship with you and your family, and I want to stay present in the relationship as much as possible while also being true to and real in my experience of my own emotions.
One of the things I have read on the website is that some adoptees felt guilty when they saw their birthmother's going through the grief type emotions that come after reunion, as if they were somehow responsible for it. I want to be VERY clear with you that you have never caused me any pain, that these are normal reactions for mothers who were separated from their babies, and that my experiencing these emotions will ultimately lead to a deeper healing for me...this is not a "bad" thing, and I do not want you to take it on as something that is "caused" by you in any way.
E-, I want you to know that your presence in my life again after all these years is filling me up with so much love; much, much more love than I have ever been given in my entire life. Being in your life is the most beautiful gift the universe could ever give me, and even now while I am working through my difficult feelings I am still also filled with gratefulness and joy. You are an asset to my recovery from my own grief and my most perfect accomplishment in this life...
I welcome you to honestly communicate your feelings about this letter as well as anything you might be feeling post-reunion that you weren't expecting. I personally believe that honesty is the best way to deal with emotional situations, and will do my absolute best to understand and support you no matter what your feelings are.
With all the love in my heart, body and soul,
VJ
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I agree with the others. It's too much, too, fast for such a young person. The letter is beautiful, but had I recieved a letter like that when I reunited with my Bmom at age 23, it would have probably scared me. Now, however, at over 40, with a little maturity and understanding, I would find it beutiful and cherish it.
Rainmon has some very good suggestions. In another thread I mention how, at 23, I had so many other things to focus on when I reunited with my Bmom that the emotional aspect wasn't that much of an issue. That was just me, but look for those signs with your Bdaughter. At this particular time in her life, the focus of her life may not be your reunion. That doesn't mean it isn't important to her. Where this reunion is your focus at the moment, hers may be a number of other things, school, career, etc., just like most other young people her age. It's not a personal thing. It just may not be the intense thing it is for you right now. You will have to determine these things, but try not to take them personally. Keep in mind that she will be moving at a different pace than you emotionally.
i, also, told you in that post that I had always worried more about my Bmom's feelings. One of the reasons for that is that she, when the subject came up, was always reminding me of what a "painful time it was in her life, and those wounds just went so deep". I could empathize with her pain. I understood it wasn't an easy thing for her even before we reunited. Your letter is beautiful and heartfelt, where my Bmom used the pain and wounds to stay the victim, not that her pain wasn't real. There is a difference between your letter and what my Bmom has done, but it was her "constantly" reminding me of her pain when I would ask questions that caused me to not speak up.
IMO, but very few 23 year olds are emotionally mature enough to handle the raw emotions in your letter. I agree with the others that maybe you could soften it some...keep the honesty, but buffer it some? Also, think about saving a copy, just as it is, just for your own benefit. I have written numerous letters just like this, but never mailed them, and was glad i hadn't later. I would also encourage you not to act on such raw emotions as you are feeling at the moment. Give yourself some time to grieve. Then, read the letter again. It's hard, in reunion, not to rush and push because of the emotions. It's easy in such a high state of energy to do things you may wish you hadn't done later. Try not to let your fears control you, and cause you to anticipate things that may not be. I know, easier said than done.
IMO, I would not send it to the Adoptive parents. As someone else said, this is personal and between you and your daughter. I know it is so very hard, but try to slow down...breathe...breathe...this too will pass...try to stay focused on the positive. Sending you a big hug.
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I like the letter just the way it is...trying to look back at my life in my 20's and I think I would have been good with it. Could you give her the letter next time you see her and then talk about it to make sure her understanding of what you are saying is the same as yours? Anyway, being honest is the best way and you wrote the letter in a way that would not make your daughter feel she is responsible for your pain, you explained it brilliantly. Take care,Dickons
I love the letter personally but like the others I don't feel your daughter needs to hear what you are going through. I agree with writing the letter as it is benificial to solidify your thoughts. I imagine your head is swimming with so many thoughts and emotions. your daughter will be experiencing her own reaction and will be overwhelmed also. Just don't send the whole letter. I like the last few paragraphs for your daughter. Keep the positives in her letter and the emotions are your to deal with. Don't send a copy to amom. As gracious as she sounds, I vote also it is between you and your daughter. I am so envious of your experience. I was thinking about sending this post to my daughter and her mom so they could see how wonderful reunion could be when people are friendly. I'm tired of being treated like someone with a disease.
I love the letter but the part that begins with E and then until the end is really intense. I would leave that stuff out. I think the rest is beautiful.
She's 23 you don't have to show the Amom and I'm an Amom.
Oh I am sorry you're going through all this but as you wrote the end result will be worth it.
((((((hugs)))))
thank you, all, who have given me honest, helpful responses. i am SO glad i posted this here before sending...this is exactly what i was looking for. my therapist urged me to write/send the letter, but as great as he is, he doesn't have adoption experience, and hearing your thoughts make me realize that my own natural hesitancy was in fact right.
proudmum and jrainbow - yes, my bdaughter is 23 with a full and busy life...you responses remind me of that, and i certainly wasn't on this emotional level at 23 myself!
rainmom, peachy - i agree, too much in this letter for her at this time...i truly don't want to be the "emotional disaster" to her right now...
shadow, thank you for your advice and kind words, i always love your posts!
dickons, thanks for a different perspective
and holly - you can use/take/copy any of this if you find it helpful...i'm glad you will have an idea of what is to come BEFORE reunion...i wish i had found this site sooner!!!!
and to all: about including her amom - i feel like she will ultimately know what is best for bdaughter - bdaughter still lives at home having just finished college, and i think amom is going through natural seperation anxiety of grown child moving away for new life PLUS me entering the picture...i just want to be sensitve to her and also i really respect her opinion....but if you really think this would seem like a violation of privacy with bdaughter, i will reconsider this...
thanks again for all the GREAT responses
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VJ, all the feedback you got on this thread was great! I do agree with the others about not sending the letter first to your daughter's mom. E is now 23 years old, six years older than you were when you relinquished her, a full-fledged adult, albeit a young adult.I'm going to share something that's been mulling around my brain for years. When I first was placed into contact with my son's parents, and especially during and right after the initial reunion, I sought their approval like you wouldn't believe. I have a strange feeling that this might be a common reaction of birthmoms who relinquished their children as teenagers. The reason I think this is because reunion often tosses us emotionally right back to the age we were when we gave birth and relinquished our babies. When I relinquished my son at 17 years old, I remember wishing that his parents would adopt me too. I know that I felt like that 17-year-old girl once again when I first met my son's parents, hence I think I did a lot of approval seeking. Does that make any sense to you, or am I way off base here?
exactly, raven
and in my situation, her parents are the same age as my parents, and really, everything i could wish for...AND
they sort of offered to be surrogates, amom hugged me and asked if she could be grandmother to my children (i want to have children in the next few years). they kept saying i was their family and they wished they could have adopted me too....so you see, it's kind of a double issue i'm dealing with...return of a bchild PLUS the offer of an extended family. i have no contact with my own parents at all - for last 7 years. i told her parents the truth about my life during reunion (not bdaughter though), and amother had a childhood very similar to mine -- she relates a lot to my situation, which is another bond between us.
so i'm the first to admit i'm in quite a state right now. it's why i'm feeling so lost on how to not run run run away from this beautiful blessing of a reunion....and i'm just terrified i will screw this up if i do something or nothing...
VJ, if I were you, I think I would write my own personal letter to your bdaughter's mom, just for her. It sounds to me as if the two of you are forging your own personal relationship, not just being E's amom and bmom. I think there is a real emotional and/or spiritual connection there of some sort, and in a way, that must be scary for you. I understand adult survivors' of child abuse...I'm part of that club, as I've shared with you.
You're probably questioning yourself if you can trust these new (or old) feelings, these new thoughts, these new people. I bet you wonder: am I going to do something wrong, break the magic spell, and wake up in the middle of the same old nightmare? Will the Cinderella coach turn back into that pumpkin at midnight??
Breathe...relax...and trust God, Goddess, Higher Power, Universe, whatever gets you thru the night. Will you make mistakes in your reunion? Undoubtedly, yes. Are you human? Yes. Will your relationship survive the mistakes? Yes, if you want it to. We all make mistakes, we all say the wrong thing at the wrong time, we are all human beings. The foundation of the relationship you're building with your daughter and her family will be able to withstand human error...as long as you're honest with each other and love each other, IMHO.
Hi there, waht is the intent of the letter? Are you going to close things down, slow them down? Or is it to just let her know your feelings. I trully get the being honest part of things, but as an adoptee to get that letter at 23 would have had me running for the woods! I know when the reunion happened with me at 28 I could not have dealt with that sort of letter. If the intent is to let her know your feelings I would not send a letter like that, it is to overwhelming for some adoptees to handle. The huge(albeit misguided) feelings of responsability to the healing of my bmother would be difficult. The fact that I would feel the need to "help" her instead of learning about me...= us....would eventually have made me angry. If the intent of the letter is to slow down the reunion process because of your overwheming emotions then I would just say something to the effect of " As much as I am thrilled to know you are ok, the emotions need to be processed very slowly for me .and maybe for you too? I am hear to let you know anything you need to know but want to take the "relationship" aspect very slow." I did like your coment about being healthy and in a good place...I think most people can undeerstand that.
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I really liked your letter. After my birthmother and I met for the first time last year, she went through a similar letdown/ depression. Her feelings of guilt and grief overwhelmed her and she kind of shut down for a while. When she pulled away, I thought it was my fault that I had done something or said something wrong, or maybe that after meeting me she didn't want to get to know me afterall. If I had received a letter like yours, it would have helped me make sense of what was going on instead of leaving me to my own imagination and insecurities.
Overall, I think your letter is very good except I would leave out the third paragraph. Also, I would not send the letter to her amom first. If you are trying tell your daughter how you are feeling, I think you should do so directly not after filtering things through amom first. If she were younger that might be different. Just my opinion.
Breathe...relax...and trust God, Goddess, Higher Power, Universe, whatever gets you thru the night. Will you make mistakes in your reunion? Undoubtedly, yes. Are you human? Yes. Will your relationship survive the mistakes? Yes, if you want it to. We all make mistakes, we all say the wrong thing at the wrong time, we are all human beings. The foundation of the relationship you're building with your daughter and her family will be able to withstand human error...as long as you're honest with each other and love each other, IMHO.
RavenSong - I completely agree with this. Mistakes will be made, repeatedly, but with openness, honesty and compassion, it is much easier to get through.
After some counseling and finally some open communication, my birthmother and I are trying to build a relationship with all it's ups and downs- together. But it would have been less rocky if we had communicated better from the beginning and had not been so afraid of telling each other what we were feeling, and hopefully we can continue to do that. Easy to say, harder to do.
Best wishes. I think you are on the right track.
It is a beautiful letter. As an amom, I have another p.o.v.
I would send the most positive and lighthearted sweet portion to your daughter.
AND, then, in a separate letter, specifically for the amom, you could share some of the deeper issues that you think she could relate to.
I think they would both treasure hearing such heartfelt, sincere , well thought out feelings about your emotionql
journey together. And I only suggest including the amom because you already have established a close relationship and an honest one. Otherwise I would say no.
I think that before you take a look at the letter, you need to take a look at your daughter. I mean, me, i'm 23 been married for 4 years, have a 3 year old, my own home, etc. I'm in a mature emotional state that i'm handling all the different emotions better than i would if i had less maturity. Does she seem grounded to you? Just getting out of college, still living with mom...seems that she may not have gained the maturity needed to handle such a large amount of emotions all at once. I think that you should re-write the entire thing and tell her that you're having A TON of happy emotions (focus on those throughout the letter) and place throughout the letter in small amounts, your other emotions. Be sure to acknowlege that your new feelings have NOTHING to do with her, but like you DID already state, that they are something that all bmoms have to work through during the reunion process and that you would welcome any thoughts or questions that she has about it. I think it would be recieved better that way IMO. I am giving an actual opinion tho from a 23 yr old standpoint. You could also that that into consideration. I'm very happy for you though! Congratulations on being able to have this type of relationship with her! Good Luck! :cheer:
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First, Congrats on your reunion! The feelings and emotions are definately overwhelming but also much needed. Like i said, i turned 23 this March and i have ALWAYS been WAY more mature than my age. I could have handled a reunion probably around the age of 17 or 18, but that's just me. I've already been married for going on 5 years with a 4 year old little boy. Just because your daughter is a certain age doesn't automatically mean she can't handle or process intense emotions. Here's a way you can explain your feelings to her: 1) if she's ever experienced the death of someone she knew and loved (i.e. a grandparent of friend), then use that experiences emotions and tell her that some of what she felt at that time...the sadness, grief, loneliness, anger, etc...is what you feel now. Give her something to base your feelings on. If she can grasp in her head exactly WHAT you feel, not just what you say, she can handle it better. I would talk to her on the phone instead of a letter tho IMO. That's just me tho. (If F2F isn't possible). It's easier to read a persons reaction to things you say if you can hear them or see them. You can gauge your next words if you feel she can handle more, or less. There's just something so impersonal about having to read such strong emotions on a paper rather than getting the comfot of knowing how those words might sound coming from you. You know, have you ever read something and it be misinterpreted? Then one persons angry and the other has no idea why? That might happen. You have to be aware of all the sticky complications of communicating with someone who's not known you very long. I just wouldn't send the letter at all. I'm sorry if this has made anyone upset or anything, but this is my view and take on things. I hope it helps.