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Hi, I'm new here....still trying to find my way around.
I'm a bmom who placed two weeks ago. I am in an OA but there was no specific agreement in place (that's a WHOLE other story) but I've meet Z's parents and spent a lot of time with them. I have their email addys, phone numbers, street address, their flickr page...the whole shebang.
(This might be long, I'm still in that spilling it all out stage)
I have good days and really bad days. I sent in my medical history packet to the lawyer last week and for some reason he shared with Z's aDad that I had been seeing someone for depression. At the end of the day, that info is for them to know about Z's medical history but his Dad sent me an email about it.
I know he was just trying to be loving and comforting but he proceeded to bear his testimony in his Christian faith, that he knows I don't participate in,trying to offer an avenue for me to find comfort. I made the mistake of responding when I was overly emotional and also responded to an email from Z's aMom that was sent a couple hours later.
I feel bad that I poured out my grief on to them and opened up how hard I'm dealing with all of this. I recognize that I'm allowed to be feeling all of the things I'm feeling, especially since Z spent two weeks with me after his birth. But if they ask me how I'm doing and bring up the grieving process, how far do I go? I was respectful and made sure to let them know that while I'm sad, I know Z is in the right place. I just feel bad for burdening them.
I had been seeing a therapist during my pregnancy, but she moved away for the summer during my 7th month. She'll be back soon and I've already let her know that I need to see her as soon as she can fit me in. I've struggled with depression for years but this just takes it to a new level.
I'm just struggling and my Mom keeps saying "Is there anything I can do for you?" Z and I stayed at her house those two weeks and I already feel bad enough that she had to go through all of that, falling in love with him as well and having to say goodbye to her grandson. This process isn't something you can DO something for. The only thing you can DO is talk about it and I feel like any time I talk about it to people in my life, I am burdening them with my pain and suffering.....
See, I'm spilling. I'll stop and listen now. Thanks.
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Hi Lily, your post was really moving. You will find a lot of support here I hope. I'm sorry you feel like you can't express yourself in your open adoption but it's early days and in time I hope you will find the right balance so you can be yourself and the aparents will learn to be sensitive to your needs.
Best of luck. I look forward to getting to know you better. :)
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Hi Lily,,, dont worry,,, they asked you to talk about how you are doing,,,( i am an adoptive parent ) talking about your pain is completely ok and dont forget they were the ones that contacted you about it.You are going through a very tough time so do "NOT" feel bad about it, if they hadnt of wanted to know they wouldnt have asked.Personally, i would suggest that find someone else to talk to about it now though, maybe a counsellor would be a good idea,, i know a lot of bmoms here go to counselling to help. I think you need someone to talk to that is there for just YOU,,, kwim,,,i hope in my around about way i have explained myself properly .. :o) I wish you all the bestproudmum
LilyPadJumper
You have done something that is beyond difficult.. and you have an absolute right to your grief..
The good the bad and the really bad..
Stay with the grief and do not block it.. I blocked it.. I stopped it.. I never spoke about it..
And it stayed in me for a long long time..
Melody Beattie has written a new book.. I am going to get it.. its called.. The Grief Club: The Secret to Getting Through All Kinds of Change
She writes, There's a secret to get through loss, pain and grief. If we're alone we can't see who we are. When we join the club, other people become the mirror. Through them, we see ourselves and gain an understanding of what we're going through. Then slowly, real slowly, we learn to accept who we see in the mirror. Then you become the mirror for them; by being honest about who you are, you'll help them learn to love and accept themselves.
So welcome to the club... You are not alone..
Jackie
I feel bad that I poured out my grief on to them and opened up how hard I'm dealing with all of this. I recognize that I'm allowed to be feeling all of the things I'm feeling, especially since Z spent two weeks with me after his birth. But if they ask me how I'm doing and bring up the grieving process, how far do I go? I was respectful and made sure to let them know that while I'm sad, I know Z is in the right place. I just feel bad for burdening them.
Wow, Storm, mum and jackie, thank you so much. All of your replies helped me start to put things in perspective. I'm not going to fix this overnight but I guess trying is enough for now.
Z's amom emailed me last night and let me know that it was ok for me to tell her how I was feeling and that she understands (as much as she can). While it is hard to have so much openness with the person who gets to kiss Z goodnight, it is a comfort to be able to have the opportunity to have communication.
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I came back to my own house, a week ago, after staying with my parents for the 3 weeks after delivering. I just unpacked my things today, after avoiding it. All of my maternity clothes, and some of Z's clothes that I kept. Man, that was tough. I felt like I was packing him away. I had a couple of good days, the past few days and it seems whenever I'm alone all day I sit and fester.
I won't be able to see my counselor for two weeks and my Mom told me the other day that she doesn't want to burden me too much with talking to me about all of it. Not that she WONT talk to me about it, just that she doesn't make me feel any worse than I already do. I'm not explaining that well, because she is being extremely supportive.
Man, I miss him. And this might sound weird, but I'm tired of missing him. I guess what I mean is that I'm tired of the pain that comes with missing him. I want to be able to think about him and not feel lost. I want to stop having that thought, "it's not too late to change my mind". I still have about 15 days to change my mind, according to the paperwork. It would be the worst thing I could do for Z, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it, selfishly.
Ok, I'm done venting. Thanks for listening.
lilypad i just read your post today and it took me back to when i first went threw this i felt the same way almost like the pressure on my heat from missing her would surely kill me.
I think your very strong to be so open to talk to us so early on very smart of you it took me 7 years to open up that kind on pain should never be kept in a bottle.
Just remeber your not alone and many of us feel the way you do lost and confused i hope to talk to you more your story touches me personally and i hope your doing well.
:cheer:
It's only natural that you are grieving. Keep letting it out. Don't feel you are burdening those who are asking how you are, or if you are worried about it, you can say to them you don't mean to burden them, and if it is too much for them to hear, you can always come here and unload. Just don't keep it in, whatever you do. Counseling is so important at this time. I know your regular counselor is unavailable now, so at least you can come here in the meantime.
For me, the first year after placement was really the worst, but talking about it and getting counseling helped tremendously. Of course, there were those who did not understand and who did feel burdened by my grief (my own mother was one of them, believe it or not), but I always found others I could turn to. This is so very important.
Please try to take care of yourself best as you can right now. Also remember your hormones are all out of whack from pregnancy/giving birth, and that is not helping matters, either, so take some time to be gentle with yourself. You're going through a lot right now. :grouphug: :grouphug:
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