what to do when birthmother seems still in denial

This is my personal opinion, if it helps you, GREAT, if not, feel free to disregard it. I think sometimes God gives us these difficult relationships to help us grow, and to show us parts of ourselves that are good, and things we need to work on. (I hate that part). Maybe he's teaching you patience, understanding, or just giving you some answers that are to questions down the road, who knows? Just know that all things work for his purpose, and he'll always be there, especially when it seems he is far away. I'm convinced everything has a purpose, even if it's one we will never understand. I pray you'll get answers, or at least a peace about things, and that your birthmom's heart will soften towards your family, and towards herself as I imagine much of this is her feeling guilty.

You have the insight I prayed for when I reunited with my B-daughter. I honestly think no one needs to enter reunion with an agenda; no expectations, no motives, no desire to recapture, not even a desire to share reasons behind the placement...just meet, greet and let it flow. My daughter says the most difficult thing she's ever heard since discovering she was adopted was that I had no regrets. What I wanted her to hear is that "even though it was very painful for me to place her it was worth it if it gave her a better life;" what she heard was "no matter what anything was better than having to raise you"... I gave birth 3 weeks ago to my son; I have sat quietly and observed how his family interacts with this new member. It's so strange but my parents and d/h parents came (they are out of state) and saw him separately and not only bought him almost identical gifts but made identical statements to and about him. It's what people do when a new member joins the family. This tiny baby came with no past and no expectations. It's so different with my daughter. She is molded by her past and she has expectations that I can never hope to meet. My son just accepts that I'm the one who gets up at 2am and gives him a dry bottom and warm milk and I rock him gently back to sleep. My daughter wants me to accept the blame for every rotten moment in her life. She demands so much more than I can give. I wish I'd offered her a history instead of a future. I wish I'd left her medical history and not my contact info. Today my therapist asked if I loved my daughter...wow, after 5 minutes she passed me a piece of paper and asked if I wanted to write my answer and if I needed to keep it a secret for now, even from her. At first I did but when I picked up the pen to write it out; I realized I was safe here, no one would blame me, curse me, judge me no matter what I said. I looked at her and boldly stated NO! I do not know how to love a stranger. I did love her once, I tried to now but today my answer is no. This reunion has left both of us shattered and I regret that. I wish it were easier....Tracy

I'm sorry for your experience. However, I'm thankful for mine and that I have an ongoing relationship with my bmom and we pray things through. I know she DOES love me, and reading your response has made me appreciate that more. Relationships take work to make them work and time and God's handiwork. Sometimes it's the person's mindset that needs renewing and healing so we don't blame them or ourselves. Your daughter is grown, your son is an infant and obviously needs you in ways she doesn't. I wish you the best. Take care.

Oceanlover...I am so happy that your relationship with your B-mom is a good one, I am happy for both of you. I wanted and prayed for that with me and Jessica but it's just not something she wants or is willing to accept from me at this point and I can't force it. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to let go of her when she was just 5 days old and now I find myself having to do it all over again and it is killing me; but it is what she wants. I am the mother of 4 kids; 16yo twin girls, a 3week old son and 23yo Jessica. I know they have different needs and I am prepared to meet each of them as the need arises but J has indicated that she no longer wants to be a part of my life unless I can accept her negative behavior, her ranting and raving, her threats and even her drug use and I cant. I wouldn't accept that in any of them. I've offered her help and she refuses so my hands are tied. My mom says Tray, you do love her, it is a different love but it is love. I don't know. Maybe it isn't the unconditional love a mother is supposed to have, but it's love. I haven't dealt with any of the issues she has with her sibs, yet. I don't know how I'll react when or if my other kids act out this way. I wish we'd have met under better conditions. Tracy

ocean and tazer, my heart goes out to both of you...i really hear the pain in both your threads.

oceanlover I think you have said all the right words here.. When I read your story I thought that your birthmom is still in resentments.. and there is nothing you can do to get her out of the resentments.. It was her against society maybe back then.. and she moved to get away from the loss of her other child leaving you behind but IMO she did not think it through and does not really get it that you were going through some real hard issues.. She may have abandoned herself and in turn abandoned you.. Take responsibility for our actions twelve steps say.. its the way out.. I do not think your birthmom has done this and learning that you can accept this may be what GodҒs lesson is.. Jackie

Considering what you have written about the details of your story, it seems that your bioMom has a version of the events in her mind that satisfies her need to remember things a particular way. In her mind, no matter what evidence you would provide to the contrary, she will not see the truth that you see. It's called revisionist history. Perhaps there is a way to make her understand that our family did not create the situation that led to your adoption, but it may require you to be strong enough to put your foot down about her treatment of your family. Only you can decide how to achieve that goal. You deserve respect from her in how she refers to or treats your family. Don't let her dictate the terms that would make you do something you don't want to do. Only you could give her that power.

How much unconditional love has your mother experienced in her life? Or your sibling for that matter. My God-given role, as I understand it, is too love unconditionally as I am loved by God. You need to recognise that you may never have the kind of relationship that you want, because unless your bmom changes that will not happen. That does not mean you need to let your bmom verbally abuse your amom and family. Have you tried responding, "I'm sorry you feel that way. My adoptive parents rescued me from the foster care system and have shown me nothing but love and I love them dearly. I will not listen to you talk about them this way. Let's talk about something else." Then change the subject. If you can be consistent, she will eventually learn not to talk about it. (Recognise that she may never change what she believes.) Keep reminding her that you can't change the past. You do have today. We are formed by our pasts but we don't have to be controlled by them. As Christians we believe that with God all things are possible and that we can change. Keep praying for your bfamily and Jesus didn't give up on people but he also didn't let others control how he acted. You are in my prayers.

My older half-sister was adopted when she was a baby. My mother, me and my older brother were united with her a few years back. It has been bad between her and I since then (that was in 1995), as she hates me for NOT having been put up for adoption. She is angry at my mother for keeping me and not her. Thing is, her adoptive family was FAR better than mine was growing up (due to my father), and she'd have had a terrible life had my mother kept her. She'd have been treated like the "bastard child" by my fathers family at least (my parents met and began dating while the court proceedings were going on relinquishing my mothers custody and rights of my sister). Since 2003 I have had no contact with her. She is venomous and abusive towards me and takes great joy in making my life unpleasant. I really was hoping for a different outcome. Also, my ex-sil was adopted. She has since met her b-mother and siblings and she too has, for the most part, lost contact with most of them. She expected far more than she was going to get (she wants what she wants when she wants it without delay or exception) and has caused various issues in that family due to her behavior. She wanted to be her younger sisters big sister (including relentless teasing, being mean like pushing one of them into the swimming pool while fully clothed at a family get together in front of several others and then laughing at her, etc) without earning and working on a place in the family. For years she imagined my mother was her real b-mother, which she is not; wrong year, location, everything. She too has had bouts of jealousy because I am my mothers daughter. I think the key with adoption reunions is to remain mindful that relationships take years to build. Children raised with the bio-parent(s) will be bonded to them and children / siblings that were put for adoption need to give the time needed to build those relationships up. I think going in with no expectations or fantasies of what it will be like helps. Be open to whatever you find. Be prepared to meet, spend a little bit of time with them, then to go on with your life without them. It could happen that way. I know I am new here, and that this may have irritated some, but I hope you trust that I am just sharing my experience and not implying anything. It is different for every person involved with this stuff.

Again its about what peoples needs and wants are in a reunion. Many adoptees don't want a mother/child/sister/brother realtionship. They may just want to start out as people getting to know each other. I know I don't like it when everyone just expects in a reunion that everyone needs to act and love like "Family"...for heavens sake you are all strangers. Personaly I didn't want and resented that these newly found people were "my family"..they are not, they are people that are biologically related to me, biological strangers. Everything else has to work as if its day one but without the ability of the biofamily to mold the child into theire biology. that has been lost and to never be regained. The person that was adopted is the one that has had to do the most adjustment in terms of having a family that is NOT bioligically related. so I think to try to change your bmoms preceptions of her situation is futile. She NEEDS to beleive that she is not wrong and everyone else in the situaion is ALL wrong...including you. She is trying to protect herself from her own actions. I beleive that you need to protect yourself and do as Kathy says...politly tell her you are not listening to that garbage and if she can not repsect your feelings about your parents then boundries need to be made.

[QUOTE=dpen6]Again its about what peoples needs and wants are in a reunion. Many adoptees don't want a mother/child/sister/brother realtionship. They may just want to start out as people getting to know each other. I know I don't like it when everyone just expects in a reunion that everyone needs to act and love like "Family"...for heavens sake you are all strangers. Well said...

THANKS for your kind and wise words. I am hurting right now, as there are a lot of issues going on in my life, and I know God is there and loves me and has a great plan for me. I cannot change the past, but I sure wish I would have listened & continued w/support thru the support group affiliated w/organization that helped me search. I didn't. I entered it w/high hopes of relationship and unrealistic expectations that were selfish and needy. I know my bmom loves me but I cannot seemingly get too close or too deep with her because of her perception of things, of me. I've asked her to be my friend and she counters with, "Im your mother." In my adoptive family I was emotionally and verbally abused by my amom, who was very much wounded herself by a difficult life, and my afather was very passive and submissive to her. I believe my amom may very well have been bipolar, never being diagnosed but all the signs and symptoms were there. In turn, I was a docile child and afraid to really share who I was, because to aparents, I was physically beaten until my will was broken, which led to major rebellion in my teens and young adult years. Coming to Christ has made great impact, of which I've found my identity in Him, yet there are other areas that need healing and transformation. I've been through much spiritual deliverance and restoration, but I feel like I may need a life coach to help me be successful in areas I need help in: stewardship of time and money. I'm in debt up to my ears and it's hard to get out. I'm single mother of 6 yr old and need some help. I"ve been through so much in the last year, it's not funny, and I just need resources to help me that aren't available in my church right now, in terms of adoptee issues, single parent issues, paying off things I owe, debt, how to save money for a house, the grief and loss of losing a parent slowly to Alzheimer's, being a part-time caretaker of that parent, etc. Can you tell me if your group or someone at your group provides a life coach or someone of that ranking, because it's not just emotional but spiritual too. We are not supposed to fear, and I've asked God to forgive me and renounced those fears and broken them, but why can't I talk to my bmom about the issues that are concerning me about her and my relationship? I've always been shut down in the past. I"ve been accused of lying to her, when I didn't lie (regarding receiving my original birth certificate.) She was there and signed off on it and wanted it sent to her house instead of mine. When we didn't get it, I called and asked about why and they said they' could send it to her or me, and I asked them to send it to me. When I asked her to go with me to review my adoption and juvenile ward records, she told me she had to work. Then when I told her about it she said I never invited her and called me a liar. Regarding my sister who is now a pastor, who wants me to again come to her church, be a part of it, I cannot. Something in me wants to because of the seeming equipping and training for ministry that's available thru her church, not mine yet, of her covering, which is a nationally credible leader located in Texas, but I cannot just uproot myself from my church I've been w/for five years, after leaving her church, being in ministry with her previously, which ended in disaster and emotional trauma for me. I know I have been talked about and criticzed and probably falsely accused of stuff in past to which I know not the sum and substance, because at one point my bmom's attitude towards me wasn't loving but distant and favorable toward this sibling, who is my full-blooded sibling. Since my sibling has come back to the Lord, she has asked for forgiveness generally of non-specified things she may have done to hurt me, but never really owned up to them specifically. I guess it doesn't matter but to forgive. I have dealt w/my issues regarding that whole scenario of bmom keeping my sibling and her children. My whole heart always wants to do what's right in God's sight. There is what's called relational warfare. I want to be a good steward of relationships God has entrusted me with, always, including w/bmom & sis. It just has seemed many, many times in the past that it's always been "my fault," when things don't go according to the way they expected it to, and I have been blamed. When I'm wrong, I accept responsiblity and ask for forgiveness, and even when I'm not wrong, I do the same, to make peace. I think I need to work on me and getting this area of my life healed, and I'm afraid that might be a lifelong issue, but I don't want it to hinder or obstruct me from accomlishing God's plan and purpose for my life, which continues to unfold as I take baby steps and obey Him. I appreciate your prayers and would welcome any sound advice and referrals you would make.:thanks:

I know and understand exactly how you feel

I cannot even believe what I have just read. Being a person who is a product of a mother who had to give her child up, I cannot believe that you would even admit this to even your therapist. That is the most hurtful thing I think I have ever read. How do you give a child up or even give birth to a child and have the courage to say that you don't love that person. I don't even believe you, its so strange. You may be hurting because she is hurting and you cant offer a good enough explanations in her eyes. But to give up and just say you don't love her, well I can only imagine what this HUMAN BEING, your daughter, is going through. WOW. Thats just... WOW

I have not yet had any contact with my bmom, but this statement will be my guide. I don't know what to expect or what I hope to find, I'll just take it as it comes. I know as a teen I did stupid things for what I thought were the right reasons and more often than not I was wrong. I'd certainly hate to be judged on my actions now that I am in my 40's and have a bit better judgment. I am sure that my bmom has had her share of guilt at having lost me and that will never be brought up as an issue by me.