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Not to derail the thread. I do have a point to add. I too was in a closed adoption. One of my best friends has 3 adopted children. When they adopted them and I heard that they were open adoptions I felt that it was a bad idea. As I look at what I have to go through to find my bmom with the sealed court documents and all of the other BS, I now feel that open adoptions are in the childrens best interest. I don't think that the biological bond can ever be erased and to seal and close all records will only add to the frustration in the future.I had always known that I was adopted but was discouraged from ever talking about it. When I was about 37 my bmom tried to contact me through Catholic Social services. Someone close to me took it upon themselves to open the letter and to call my amom to tell her about the letter and what was going on. My amom was terribly hurt and angry and of course I was caught in the middle. My amom couldn't understand why "SHE" would try to contact me and why "I" would even want any contact. My amom was as close to a saint as I've ever known but she went ballistic about the issue and I was the one caught in the middle. I decided against any contact at that time as both of my aparents were still living. I've seen an amom blow up because a bmom tried to become involved in an adoptees life. In the pecking order my bmom had to take a back seat which is unfortunate. had my amom not known I may have pursued it further. I was not a teen, in fact I had my own 16 and 18 year olds at the time, but it was still difficult for me.just had to add that perspective.
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I really don't know much about open adoptions, but from what I understand about it, it would be a much better option than a closed one. But in an open adoption, a child at the age of 14 would not be just finding out he was adopted and just beginning contact. I really think that in all adoptions, whether open or closed, that the adoptee has the right to know that they were adopted from the get go. No one should ever have to deal with finding this out at an older age. It should be something they have known about all of their life. If this were the case, then having contact with bmom would have began at a very young age and the anger issues would not exist to the extent that they do now. Relationships and roles would also have already been put into place and not left to be figured out when the child is at such a tender age. I don't understand how the adoption referred to in this post was semi open and yet the boy just found out he was adopted at the age of 14.
wishfulthinker
I don't understand how the adoption referred to in this post was semi open and yet the boy just found out he was adopted at the age of 14.
Raven, Thanks for explaining. That would make more sense. If the aparents were up for a semi-open adoption, one would think that they would at least tell their child that he's adopted. That's crappy that they waited until he was 14 and then all of a sudden told him and apparently pushed the bmom to contact him. I really do feel badly for this kid. I still say that's too much to deal with at such a young age.
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EZ2Luv
Just chiming in here as an adoptee and understand what Wishful was attempting to say. Adoptees sometimes get caught in the middle and are put in a place where they feel they must choose where their loyalty should be. This is why I am glad I was in a closed adoption. This boy has suddenly recieved information that was once denoed and this is what his life was based on. While amoms and bmoms are not in competition it is VERY difficult for some adoptees. Let's face it, a bmom all of a sudden entering the picture and an adoptee being told "this is your bmom" is bound to be difficult. This bmom is basically a stranger to this boy . I think so many times expect and instant bond from the adoptee or some kind of connection, but f all they know are the aparents it has to be mind boggling and yes enough to bring out anger. Truth be told, ifmy bmom appeared in my life in my early teen years I would be mighty angry too. Angry `in a way that :how dare you suddenly appear after all these years and expect a place in my life" type of thing. Some may disagree with me here but this is how I wouldfeel. also, I would feel like someone was trying to intrude and mess up my family, like an outsider. Again, I understand what Wishful was trying to say and I am surte she did not intend to be hurtful. I believe that adoptees are the true victims caught in the middle and honestly this is where I am not completely sold on OA. Growing up with aparents that love and care for you then to have a bmom sprung on you has to be shocking. I mean I wouldn't know where to begin if it were me in my early teen years. As I said, my first reaction would be anger. EZ
wishfulthinker
That's crappy that they waited until he was 14 and then all of a sudden told him and apparently pushed the bmom to contact him.
wishfulthinker
I don't understand how the adoption referred to in this post was semi open and yet the boy just found out he was adopted at the age of 14.
Hi, Stinky Kitty... I reunited with my son when he turned 18. This was 18 years ago now. And there was a lot of simmering anger, just beneath the surface. I could see it, and I talked to him about it. He denied feeling any anger toward me. And I let it go. I told him if he ever wanted to vent, if he ever wanted to talk about the anger, to feel free to bring up the subject with me. He never did... My son is now 36 years old. And somewhere along the line between ages 18 and 36, the anger dissipated...it left him. I think the anger died down in his soul as time went by, as the years went by, as he began to trust me, as he saw I would never leave him. Gosh, I think back to when I was a teenager. I was so angry at my dad for leaving me. I was mad at the world, too. Hormones are raging, life is confusing, you feel like a grown-up, but everybody is treating you like a child. Your son just found out he was adopted. He's angry about the lie, and I think he feels safer directing the anger at you. He may not even feel that he is angry. Just hang in there. Time and love will be the answer for you. Trust yourself, trust your instincts. Be patient with your son, and above all, let him know that he can't push you away, that you won't go away again. He's going to test you, test your limits. You're not alone. Many of us have gone thru this same situation. Hang in there...
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bakerjw
My total apologies if I aggravated your grief or frustration in any way whatsoever. You've been on both sides and I only have my experiences to speak from. You have my 100% support.
RavenSong
Hi, Stinky Kitty... I reunited with my son when he turned 18. This was 18 years ago now. And there was a lot of simmering anger, just beneath the surface. I could see it, and I talked to him about it. He denied feeling any anger toward me. And I let it go. I told him if he ever wanted to vent, if he ever wanted to talk about the anger, to feel free to bring up the subject with me. He never did...
stinky_kitty
That is exactly how it is. I know the anger is there. A couple of weeks ago I did the same thing you did, I talked to him about it. He said he wasn't angry with me, and I told him if he ever needed to talk about it with me he could, that I would listen. He hasn't yet, and I don't know if he ever will. He seems to be the type where he'll be talking about something totally unrelated and then all of a sudden he'll let little bits and pieces drop, you know??
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I can see there is a lot of anger about this situation and understandably so. Whether they pushed you to contact him or they pushed him to contact you....that's still crappy. And for any parent to not tell their child that they are adopted until they reach the ripe old "mature" of 14 does not make any sense at all. He should've been told from the time he was a little guy. Who in the world could blame him for being angry? Excuse me if I got some of your details wrong. I was simply responding to your post. Isn't that what we do here? I thought you posted in hopes of getting others' opinions.