Advice on how to tell my kids about their half brother!

My firstmom waited until my brother was about 14 before she told him about my existance. I am a year younger than he is. According to her he was really angry that she waited so long. However, I think they worked through it fairly quickly? I found her about a year and a half after she told him and there were no big issues. I agree with what Keds said, just be honest with them. Tell them about it and even tell them why you waited. They might be angry at first but as long as you keep the lines of communications open, it should all work itself out. Good luck!

Hi SSTOL1, welcome to the boards! I am not a sibling I am the reunited B-mom of 23yo Jessica and Mom to 16yo twin girls Aleea and Alexa and 3 week old Aidan. I actually told my kids around the same time we started having the "Where do babies come from" talks. It is so fortunate that both my and d/h families of origin contain all sides of the triad so adoption has never been "not discussed" with us. I posted to say I understand your reasons for waiting but IMO you shouldn't wait any longer. Reunion is a REALLY big deal and if I were you I'd sit the kids down for a family meeting and explain that as a young lady I found myself in a situation where some tough choices had to be made...You don't have to burden them with too many details but follow their leads. Answer their questions honestly and encourage them to vent. Reassure them of your love and try and avoid the it's all about him now routine. Even if there is a big blow-up it's ok because reunion involves them too, and IMO the feelings of siblings are often put on the back burner. I don't mean to sound judgemental but I am confused by the last line of your post; you say: "Everything has started to change...I saw a photo of my placed son and my first thought was "gimme, gimme, gimme!". I am wondering what you mean by this? Can you share that with us, please? :thanks: Tracy

It's kind of funny because I read that and totally understood it! Funny only because I'm an Amom. I read it to mean "I want this, I need to see him, to know him" ....You know when you look at your baby and you just want to gobble him up with kisses? It's like a craving. A maternal love :love: BUT I could be wrong so let's see what the OP ACTUALLy meant LOL.

Honesty is the best policy and I mean true honesty. If your kids are going to accept why you kept it a secret a simple...I wanted to wait until whatever is not going to cut it. Explain the pain, the thoughts you had, the worry about them still loving you, everything...simple one liners without emotion just won't cut it at this point. I am hoping that knittygirl is reading your post and jumps in and give you advice, because she has just gone through this, and can help you be aware of the potential issues before they happen and ways to get through them. Wow, you must be on cloud nine and at the same time scared to death. Be honest and also take time out to try and view the situation as an outsider on a regular basis no matter how difficult it is for you. Best of luck,Dickons

:thanks: :thanks: Now that you put it that way it makes perfect sense and I feel so foolish :eyebrows: for asking, especially since I'm a new Mom!:love: Wait, in my own defense I must say that not more than 10 minutes had passed before I heard >>>:hissy: <<< and discovered that this was NOT a gobble-up moment! I am amazed at what Emfamil w/iron turns into once it passes through this kid! :eek: :eek: :eek: So I was not thinking gobble or even breathe when I read the post. :eyebrows: Tracy

Well I doubt you've Gobbled OR Breathed in the last three weeks! :eyebrows:

Thank you everyone for your replies!! yes, Stormster, that's exactly what I meant! Sorry for the confusion...I instantly wanted to hold him, touch him, talk to him, see him...actually, at first, I nearly had a heart attack. but after that, i was terrified. yes, i agree that i have to be as honest as i can. i feel like my kids have every right to every emotion that they will feel, anger, confusion, shock, sadness...and that i need to give them the time to process it. i won't allow them to disrespect me, but i just don't think they will...well, maybe my 15 year old...she's very opinionated...made a comment last night that she would NEVER have an abortion or put a baby up for adoption, "that's just STUPID". she's too young and immature to understand how sometimes you have to make tough choices. thanks again, all, i'm reading and re-reading everyone's posts. i much appreciate it everyone's input!

Not True...I actually gobbled an entire homemade Pecan Pie that my S-I-L brought over last night still warm from her oven! :cheer: :love: :eyebrows: :prop: :thanks: Ok I am ashamed to admit I actually thought "sstol1" was saying she looked at his picture and thought he'd come in like those gobble thingy's on Pac Man! :banana: :eek: :banana: :eek: :dance: just come over grab her wallet, her food, clothes, the DVD player etc. and yell gimme gimme gimme! I gotta get out more! Sorry...Tracy:thanks:

I think that Dickons has summoned me telepathically or something (LOL)! This is a very unique opportunity for me...I know how my mom handled telling me, (I'm a raised daughter who didn't get clued into my mom's other daughter until I was 33) and there are things that I wish had been different. I've only known of the other daughter's existence since January '08. First, make sure that all three kids are together when you tell them...that way they can support each other right from the get go. I was alone with my mom when she told me and I didn't have anyone to hold me up, and I felt very stunned and vulnerable. They are going to need each other to process their feelings. I don't mean that they will gang up on you, but they are in the best position to understand what each other is experiencing.Choose a quiet time in your home to tell them, make sure that their dad is there. My mom told me in a restaurant and I couldn't really react in public....I don't think that is fair. Please, please, please take things slowly with your son. IMO, the more rushed you are in your reunion with him the harder it will be on your raised kids. They don't have the advantage of advance knowledge here....they are going to be going through the discovery of another child and having that child there all at once. Take it from me, that is a double whammy. It is one thing to know he exists out there somewhere...it is something else to know that he's coming over for dinner. I agree about being as honest as possible, but remember that there may be things that they just don't need to know, like how you want to gobble him up. Personally, that would have been devastating for me to hear....too much gushing about someone else when I wanted to hear that I was still loved in the same way and that it doesn't change my relationship with my mom. After all, you have built relationships with your raised kids knowing about your first son, but they never knew that. To them, it may seem like you are trying to insert a stranger into their family all of a sudden. Very different perspective.I think that an honest talk about the ups and downs of reunion might be good too....discuss what may be yet to come when you have contact and that things are likely to get crazy. Be sure that they know that you don't want them to be lost in the shuffle. Since your kids are still just that - kids - they are going to need a lot from you just when you aren't really in a frame of mind to give them the high levels of support that they need. Maybe discuss with their dad how he can help you meet their emotional needs when you are riding your own rollercoaster of reunion (that is assuming that he is not also your son's dad too). Don't try to change their perceived birth-order. Let them figure out how they see things now that there is someone else in the picture. Their view may be very different from yours (and possibly from each other's).Above all else, I would say reassure them, love them, spend quality time with them, and then reassure them some more. Be prepared for them to get angry with you (they are teenagers, after all) and push you away. Reassure them anyway. They need to know that you haven't forgotten how special they are to you. It may look to them (as it did to me) like you are only interested in your son and this may be true for awhile. But please, take an interest in their lives, their activities, just as much as before.I hope that doesn't sound too preachy...I don't want to be a big downer for you. Your kids may be thrilled about a new half-brother, but odds are that at least one of them won't be (my bet is that your oldest daughter is going to be hit the hardest....just a personal observation about similar situations). Give them time, time, and more time. They are playing catch-up with you....you always knew about your son. You are 19 and 1/2 years ahead of them.I hope this helps....I wish you the best.Knittygirl

Thank you so much for feeling the vibes and chimming in! I so look forward to posts from you and I really enjoy seeing things from your perspective. It seems you and my twin daughters share a lot of the same feelings and ideas and I have gained a lot of insight from you. I actually think we should hold a Triad Election and make Knittygirl our Resident Sibs Expert Voice of Reason! :thanks: Tracy

What you have to share is priceless, and it was anything but preachy. Tazer, if I get a vote, I vote for Knittygirl. Kind regards,Dickons

Thank you, thank you, thank you! That is just what I wanted and you weren't preachy in the least!! I just received an email from the birthfather. My son asked me to email him when I was ready. I'm not sure what to say... We have decided to talk to the kids tomorrow evening. My parents are going to be there as well, my kids are extremely close to their grandparents and will need reassurance from them to. I'm glad that, at least with this part, I'm a little more intuitive than I thought. I had already thought that I should keep my strong feelings of love and need for my birthson to myself. That isn't something they need to hear about or, quite frankly, would want to. And the reassurance that I still love them like I always have is top priority. Things may change, but my love for them never will. Thank you all again, you have been a HUGE help and more of a confirmation that I must do this. Keeping it from them when I have a name and face is impossible. I'm a mess and they've noticed. :) Thanks a million.

Wow! Resident Sibs Voice of Reason!? Maybe I should put that under my screen name instead of "junior member"...but only if it didn't change in my early posts. I have definitely not always been a voice of reason! Thanks so much, everyone, for your vote of confidence. It means a lot to me!!KG

Sstol1, How are you doing? Did you have the chance to tell your kids? Kind regards,Dickons

I would imagine her fears are about her family changing. She wants things to stay as they are, and you just don't fit into her idea of "our little family." It's sad that she can't see things from your point of view. I don't think you can do anything to make her understand. My advice would be to just leave her out of it for the time being. Even without the wife in the picture, I would still caution you to take things slowly with your bio dad.