New Here

hi jenn, i'm vj, a birthmother of a 23 year old daughter, and i am currently in reunion with her and her family for about 3.5 weeks now. you do belong here. there are a lot of adoptees and adoptive parents, but there are also a lot of birth mothers of all ages....you can learn a lot from everyone who has experience in all the parts of the triad. i think right now is the time to do a lot of research about your options, and about the adoption process in general. this is and will remain one of the most important decisions you will ever face in your entire life, and sites like this are an opportunity for you to read about the experiences and opinions of other people. my biggest advice to you right now is to learn as much as you can about the process, your rights, your options, and the possible consequences of taking any of those options. be aware that there will be pain and hardship no matter what choice you make. after learning as much as possible, i encourage you to listen to your deepest heart -- what is truly best for you and your children is a decision that can only be made by you. DON'T ASSUME ANYONE ELSE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. if you work with an agency for counseling, be aware that they might sometimes (not always) have an agenda of their own, and that they are not always the best source of learning about all of your options. a good place to start is reading...i just finished a book called "the girls who went away" and it talks about a lot of the emotions and life long consequences that come with relinquishing a child. it's main focus is on the time period of 1944 - 1972, but i relinquished in 1985 and was shocked how little things have changed. so much of these women's stories and feelings were the same as my own, so it's a good thing to read to learn about other birthmother's experience of the process both before and after the relinquishment. if you want to talk privately or have any questions that i can help you with, you can email me or send an im and i would be happy to tell you anything you want to know about my story. welcome, and i will be following your story as it developes! :)

jenn, i sent you an im, but also wanted to post because i think your post got "lost" in all the threads... have you spoken to the family that recommended the agency? i would share your feelings with them about what you experienced. i think often the agencies present an image to the bparents that is far different than the one they present with the aparents. they need to know how you felt, because they might not know how the agency is acting to prospective birth mothers. it will also be a good chance to see how they respond to you and what you are going through. building communication while you are pregnant does a lot to make things easier later.... keep us posted!

Hi Jenn,There are lots of birthmoms here. Check in the forum called "birthparents." There are a number of sub-forums that you may find helpful. (I'm an "old birthmom" whose birth son is 36 [almost]; I'm from the "closed era.") A couple thoughts. First, adoption.com is NOT a matching site. If anyone tries to solicit you as potential birthparents for your children, please report them to the administration. There are some very helpful people here. Bromanchik is a wonderful resource person; if you are looking for unbiased counseling she can help you find someone in your area. The others are right. You deserve to be treated with respect. You will live with this decision for the rest of your life, so you need to make the very best choices you can. Check out the threads in this forum: [URL="http://forums.adoption.com/unplanned-pregnancy-support/"]http://forums.adoption.com/unplanned-pregnancy-support/[/URL][URL="http://forums.adoption.com/unplanned-pregnancy-support/"]http://forums.adoption.com/unplanned-pregnancy-support/[/URL] I think you will find support there.

Hey Jen we're here to help you if we can, so don't hesitate in asking. bprice215 sent you an IM

I am also a bmom who relinquished in the early 80s. I have also read The Girls Who Went Away, and I have a bit of a different take on this. While I could relate to what the women who were interviewed for this book went through, and found their stories to be heartbreaking, I can tell you my experience was so different from what the women in the closed era had to deal with. I suppose I was fortunate in having a reputable agency that didn't practice the coersion and deceit that went on in those days. Also, I wasn't hidden away and shamed the way those women were. And I got really good counseling (very important--you will need it). I would recommending doing as much research as you can, don't let anyone make this decision for you, and make sure you understand all your rights. Don't assume, also, that the agency is going to cover everything for you. You really do have to do your homework. For instance, when I was in the hospital, they had a rule that only the father of the child could visit in the room for the last feeding. I wanted my mom to see my baby, but the hospital said no and threatened to take the baby from me, so my mom left. After the fact, my caseworker said I should have let her know, that she could have arranged for my mom to see the baby. I had no idea this was even an option. I suppose I could blame the caseworker, but she couldn't know every hospital rule or what my desires were. So my advice to you is be proactive, don't be afraid to say what you want, and question the "rules." Hospital personnel can be nasty, still, when they know you are relinquishing. Understand that no matter how strongly you feel one way or the other prior to birth, after birth, you may feel differently and that is OK. You will need to re-evaluate your decision after you have your baby. Take all the time you need.

thank you all for your welcome. It means more to me than you know! This decision weighs on my heart constantly. I'm sure I will be here often, I am already feeling a need for the support and encouragement. Thank you all again! Jenn

I tried to call the couple that recommended the agency to let them know and I couldn't get a hold of them. I left an email for them. I'll talk to them a little more when they call me back. This was my first encounter with any agency, so I dunno...maybe I was just too sensitive, or emotional...maybe I'm over reacting and they were perfectly normal. I don't know anymore. I just know that the couple that I was working with spoke so highly of them, and how this agency is all about the bparents, and counseling, and support...and that is completely different from what I encountered. -Jenn

Again, I have no clue about the agencies. Remember, however, that this decision is yours. Make sure that you are sure because you will live with it the rest of your life. Please don't let anyone pressure you, if you are treated rudely, find an agency that treats you respectfully. You deserve that!

jenn, this is just my opinion, but... most agencies advertise that they want to help pregnant women explore their options. yet they are in the business of making money from adoptions. there are many more families wanting to adopt healthy newborns then there are babies who need a home, so very often the advice and counseling you receive can be biased. some of these agencies will charge parents crazy fees, i saw one post that said $65,000 for a baby that had no medical expenses and was already born. the fact is, if you don't know all your rights and options, agencies are not the best source to learn about them. i've heard countless stories of agencies lying to both birthmothers AND adoptive parents about all kinds of things. if you felt that you were being asked to sign your life away, listen to that feeling. again LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS ALWAYS DURING THIS PROCESS!!! in my experience, the agency will treat you MUCH better while you are pregnant (and you have something they want) than they will after you sign relinquishment papers. you need to find out what the laws are in your state and what your rights will be both before and after the relinquishment. i don't know what type of adoption you are considering, but be aware that many "open" adoptions can become "closed" at any time after the adoption takes place by the adoptive parents, for any reason whatsoever. and while it hopefully doesn't happen often, there are aparents out there who never plan on keeping their promises to the birthmother. some states that have "legally enforceable" open adoptions, meaning that the aparents have a contractual obligation to follow through on what they say they will do as far as updates, photos, and visits. remember that verbal promises that are not documented mean nothing in legal terms. anything you are told should be written down and approved by a lawyer before you believe it will actually happen. if the agency or aparents say "just trust us" BEWARE!! DANGER!!! this is a legal contract, and while trust is a nice thing, it will not prevent you from being taken advantage of. having said all that, i also think that just because this agency did not feel "right" to you, doesn't mean they are all the same. call around until you can find an agency that feels good to you. in my experience, before you relinquish, the agency is very invested in showing you the "happy" side, and in persuading you to adopt your child. If they are not nice now, then i think it would probably be much worse after you gave up your rights. if i could go back and give advice to myself at 17, i would say this: YOU are in control. They can't tell you what to do, how to feel, or what you are allowed to do at any time before the final papers are signed. ASK for what you want. If you are told "no", then find out why. If you feel confused, get answers from someone who does not stand to profit from the process. Prepare yourself for what to expect AFTER the baby is gone. Make a plan to have a lot of support for yourself so you can deal with the painful emotions you will have in a positive way.

I agree with djvj, you are the one in control, if your not satisfied then nobody else should be. Adoption is a very painful process that will effect how you feel for the rest of your life. Please note we are all here to help you through all the crazyness that being pregnant can bring. Adoption is all about what and how you decide these things should be, let nobody confuse you okay. Take care my lady. bprice215

djvj states alot of important things. As a birthmother that is now an adoptivemother I now see what both sides have to go through. If you have the feeling this agency was making you sign your life away, they ARE. Do not sign anything until you have the babies, once you do sign they have you. They are nice to you now but when you really need them (after signing or after the babies are born, that changes.) As to the adoptive parents, they only tell you what the agency has trained them to tell you. Even the ones who post here stating how upset they are with their agency, if you were to call them with a chance of adopting your child, their agency would be the greatest thing on earth. All to get you to sign with them. Not sure when you are due, but you have time. See how well the adoptive parents take to the news about their agency, if they are "truely" for the birthmother they should be willing to step up and do something. Yes, I hear stories of adoptive parents telling birthmothers that they want open adoptions and will keep in touch. Some are telling the truth and some are lieing. I even know some adoptive parents will have several birthmothers lined up and the first that has their baby they keep the baby and then lie to the others to get rid of them (even if they are about to give birth.) As to twins, make very sure the adoptive parents wants twins.... Ask them if they have other birthmothers lined up. Ask the hard questions now and you should get a better understanding of them. But there are truly some great people out there that do care about birthmothers, just keep seraching. If agencies are not right for you (as it wasn't for me) try private lawyers, or looking through the many website with profiles or ads in your local newspapers. In your original statement, you have been talking to two adoptive parents but you only tell a story about one. What about the other couple? Good luck, keep us posted.

You need to be 100% comfortable. If you felt they were rude, ask to speak to someone in charge. You are not being sensitive, you are in an emotional situation and the agency needs to be understanding of that. Don't do anything that you don't feel 100% okay with. It still maybe painful, but you need to be okay with it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings

hello i read your problem i think you can go to your child.