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OK, here is my disclaimer: I might not be doing this right, saying this right or even posting this in the right place and any help, advice or redirection I get will be appreciated.
I am actually a B-mom but I read all the forums just for the information everyone offers. I also have family members who are A-parents and they love the input they get here. I have a problem I'm hoping someone here can help us with, please.
My brother and S-I-L have a 2 1/2 year old daughter Ashley, adopted thru IA about 7 months ago. She is their only child and until I gave birth to my son last month she was our extended families only "baby". All of us did intense studies about the bonding issues and I am very careful to not hug, kiss, offer her things directly etc and to only let her parents meet her needs. It was / is harder for my parents but they are getting better, for the most part. We hear a lot of oops, I forgot but they do well with gentle reminders. My S-I-L, Izzy, and I are extremely close and they will be our sons Godparents. Since she is a SAHM and I am also one for now she stops by often, always with Ashley. This week has presented a new set of problems. Yesterday out of the blue Ashley tried to crawl in my lap; Izzy gently took her away with little fanfare and Ashley screamed. I offered Izzy a toy phone to give her and she took it from her mom and brought it to me.
Later she bumped into the wall while playing and when Izzy tried to comfort her she jerked her arm back, ran over to show me and bit her mom when she picked her up. Even stranger was the unusual amount of interest she is showing in my breast and I do not breastfeed.
She is fine with the baby almost ignoring him until he cried and she has never been this way before. Usually she is very shy around anyone except her parents and my mom. She almost popped a button off my blouse as soon as I opened the front door and while seated in her booster chair during lunch she reached over to grab "them" so much that I was forced to take my plate to the breakfast bar. Once I left the table she tried putting food inside her own blouse. It is so unlike her! Izzy was almost in tears.
My question, should we stop visits for now? I am off work until Dec. 31st at least, we've even considered having Izzy do daycare for us in her home but I wonder if this will be OK? Is there something more I should be doing at this point? I love my neice so much and I'd never want to hurt her in any way but I need to know what to do here. Thank you guys in advance...Tracy
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All I can say is that when my daughter arrived (at 22 months) she had been weaned to a bottle and a cup but she still "went for" breasts like she was starving. I was not and had not ever nursed (and did not intend to start with a 3-year-old) but she was forever reaching, touching, wanting to lift my blouse, etc. It took about six months of me firmly stopping that sort of behavior before she gave up! Maybe Ashley is having a "flashback" because you now smell like her first caregiver? (I don't mean smell in a bad way -- children just have different senses of taste, touch, smell, etc.).
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Mom may need the visits. Be sure to praise mom in front of kiddo-like when she bumped herself and ran to you redirect-oh, I your mommy is such a good mommy she'll know just what to do.
Also, when she grabs for your breasts, firmly tell her know. It would really be better if mom picks her up and tells her no and sits her where she can't reach you.
It's possible, since you are close with her mom, that the child views the baby as some threat to her safety. Normally, though, this happens more with siblings when a new baby arrives.
Keep reassuring mom she's a good mom. It is crushing to watch your child reach out for comfort from someone else and reject comfort from you.
If she is mean to mommy,like biting her address mom. Oh, poor mommy, that must have hurt.
If the child rejects mom's hugs, you hug mom and comment how nice it is to get a hug from her mom.
Little stuff like that can help.
Thanks to Both of you for responding! Lucyjoy...I've lurked here for months and I so feel you are the voice of wisdom, :cheer: I am so glad you responded and even happier to know I'm on the right track. All of the things you've mentioned are do-able and I'm so happy I don't have to exclude her for now. Except for my son she's been the only baby on both sides of our family in the last 11 years so I'm leary of hurting her in any way or of making her Mom feel bad. Thanks Ladies...:thanks: Tracy ps>>> Lucy I think Mom needs the visits more than anyone and I want her to be here, she and I are Best Buds! We are in fact former co-workers etc. and I'm the one who introduced her to my brother. The one thing I wasn't doing was praising Izzy or even being aware that I needed to but I'm glad you mentioned it. Thanks...T
i asked a similar question to an adoption attachment specialist i was working with. my son would sometimes go to random strangers instead of me when he wanted something. it was heartbreaking and worrisome for me. but she said that for young kids, some people just remind them of someone that gave them comfort at one time. smell is huge, but also looks, sound of voice, size, etc. it could also be a means of avoiding attachment to your SIL. sounds like you are doing the right thing. she'll get there eventually. it just takes a long time. i got my son at age 15 months and it took him a good 9 months to develop a good attachment. tell your SIL she is doing everything right and to have patience (as hard as it is). the hard work WILL pay off!
atouchofheaven
i asked a similar question to an adoption attachment specialist i was working with. my son would sometimes go to random strangers instead of me when he wanted something. it was heartbreaking and worrisome for me. but she said that for young kids, some people just remind them of someone that gave them comfort at one time. smell is huge, but also looks, sound of voice, size, etc. it could also be a means of avoiding attachment to your SIL. sounds like you are doing the right thing. she'll get there eventually. it just takes a long time. i got my son at age 15 months and it took him a good 9 months to develop a good attachment. tell your SIL she is doing everything right and to have patience (as hard as it is). the hard work WILL pay off!
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Let me start by saying that you are awesome to support your SIL by educating yourself. Very few people are willing to do that and your SIL is very lucky to have you. She needs all the support she can get.We never know the total background of our older adopted children. Therefore, you may never really know why she grabs you like she does. However, she needs to learn that it is inappropriate. My daughter was older when she came to us (age 6) and we knew that she was sexually acting out, but we were firm that touching others was not ok. We simply said "No, you do not touch people there." These kids need to hear how great their moms are. Over and over. Not only do the kids need to hear, your SIL needs to hear it. Its hard to be a mom to a child who rejects you. It helps when someone reminds you that you really are a good mom.
Lorraine123
Let me start by saying that you are awesome to support your SIL by educating yourself. Very few people are willing to do that and your SIL is very lucky to have you. She needs all the support she can get.
We never know the total background of our older adopted children. Therefore, you may never really know why she grabs you like she does. However, she needs to learn that it is inappropriate. My daughter was older when she came to us (age 6) and we knew that she was sexually acting out, but we were firm that touching others was not ok. We simply said "No, you do not touch people there."
These kids need to hear how great their moms are. Over and over. Not only do the kids need to hear, your SIL needs to hear it. Its hard to be a mom to a child who rejects you. It helps when someone reminds you that you really are a good mom.