Am I alone

btw Jazz...I'm male too though probably a bit older. I think there as many guys doing the 'forum' thing because it's supposedly not in our nature to discuss our feelings, let alone admit to them. Hang tough.

Yes I feel the same way... and Hugs to you.... I can add to the list. Not able to trust anyone. Emotional eating disorder. Food was and is my best friend, best comforter and 1 of few things I can control in my life. Cannot be in the spotlight for anything. Embarass very easily. Can't accept any form of compliments. Fear, Fear, Fear. I too question the existance of God, "A Higher Power, Creator, Potector of Mankind." I wont go into the Higher Power issues for the real fear of being misunderstood, or this paticular issue being taken out of context and made into more than it is.

Speaking of lists of feelings/symptoms, I've found this website to be helpful for me.[url=http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eqa_attachment_bond.htm]Attachment and Adult Relationships: Childhood bonding shapes emotional intelligence[/url]

Every single thing you stated I have felt or often feel. Now whether its due to, (me) being adopted I have no clue, for I simply have nothing else to compare it to. What would my (or your) life have been like if I (you) wasn't adopted? And as I age these feelings get worse. I want to know WHO I am! Who are they? Where did I come from? AND the ever famous question WHY? And yes in my life I am alone. I have NEVER understood what it is to being truly loved. I sure as hell wasn't "Daddy's little girl" for sure. I was the “adopted” one. I have so many times shunned love away. Never truly "getting it" and most of the time never caring. And if what I feel is shared by non-adopted persons, fine...at least I have being adopted as an excuse. LOL.I will NEVER understand, with having three sons, HOW anyone could just give their own flesh and blood away. Yes I have heard all the possible reasons, but again never truly “getting it.” Everything has roots....but we, adoptees, are dandelion seeds in the wind. AND we always will be. Never having roots. We stick around for a time, but bounce around again we go. So...now what? I guess we will deal with it like we have for so long. AND pray to whatever God or Goddess who’ll listen and maybe, just maybe, one day all our questions will be answered. But until then…Here is your life and we are all responsible for what we do with it. Alone or not. Our individual happiness is our journey, alone. Walk on Soldier….for you may feel alone, you may even be alone, but in thought you have many of like mind! And as far as God is concerned...Something has been with me my whole life. I now know what it is. Keep searching...."If we cannot find happiness within ourselves, it does not make much sense to look outwards." - AnonymousI wish you most well!In perfect light...Blessed BE![url]http://forums.adoption.com/images/smilies/redface.gif[/url]

I think the one thing I came to understand as far as the adoptee experience that has helped me make some sense of all of our feelings. Is the contradiction that we are told from birth. She gave you up because she loved you or she loved you so much she gave you up for adoption. Yes there is some truth in this, but what we are hearing as we are growing up is that LOVE=ABANDONMENT. No wonder we are so scared of love, what a contradiction to what love should mean. If you love someone so much the last thing you want to do is leave them. Lets be honest it is not always a selfless decision, although I do I believe that bmothers motives are generally in our best interest. This is the contradiction that we all live with.

"I think the one thing I came to understand as far as the adoptee experience that has helped me make some sense of all of our feelings. Is the contradiction that we are told from birth. She gave you up because she loved you or she loved you so much she gave you up for adoption. Yes there is some truth in this, but what we are hearing as we are growing up is that LOVE=ABANDONMENT. No wonder we are so scared of love, what a contradiction to what love should mean. If you love someone so much the last thing you want to do is leave them. Lets be honest it is not always a selfless decision, although I do I believe that bmothers motives are generally in our best interest. This is the contradiction that we all live with." by a6tromblygoo I couldn't agree MORE!!! I love this!

Hey Jazz 10/10...and the last time you posted was my birthday...No friends to talk to ...A wife who has her own issues..I dont' believe in therapy "Been there done that.. doesnt' work. I'm new here and just feeling it all out, starting to relize my issues at 43 and how my entire life has been affected buy it all.

Hello everyone. Original Poster Jazzdrummer here! I am grateful this thread resonates with so many people. I have news. 1. I THINK I found my birthmother. Long story short, my adoptive mother found out my birthmother's name by mistake when my adoptive sister was looking for her mother. I got the name and cross-referenced with my birthplace and did a simple google search.Only ONE name came up in the phone book. So I wrote a letter to her. That was over a week now. 2. I am also getting NON identifying information from my adoptive agency. I have been very STRESSED lately and didnt realize until a few days ago the possibility that I DID find her, wrote a letter and she is NOT going to respond! As a friend said, "there is a lot of potenial for a double rejection/abondonment here" He is right I suppose. But the way I figure it, I am doing what I can do and what is in my power. Im leaving the rest up to God and her. Still makes it hard though. I am 46 and if she had me at 18 she would be 64. I will of course keep you posted. In the past few months I have made A LOT of progress on the issues in my original post by starting to take RESPONSIBILITY for my Happiness. In the end I can choose how to respond to life.I have a long way to go but its just a decision I try to make daily to pick myself up, take risks, and never give up. I have to fight off the mental demons. I have developed HABITS of negative thinking, low self esteem, playing the victim and being helpless. YES, my adoption is a HUGE piece but so is the "rejection and neglect" from my adoptive parents. That is a whole other story. Okay so now what? Do I let that control me or do I say "Life is tough, Ive had some bad breaks but I cannot let that continue to control my thought life" That is what Im trying to do. It goes against EVERY instinct I have because I have to ignore my FEELINGS and DECIDE to talk back to the wouned child inside me that still exist. Ive also empowered myself by making some brave career decisions, am pursuing my wife and marriage with lots of energy, am getting deeply into music performance, have discovered the positive power of massage therapy, and I am dieting and excercising better than ever. Ill try to stay in touch through this thread more. I am also hoping that some of you GUYS and WOMEN will PM me and talk to me and hopefully develop a mutually beneficial "online" relationship that could HEAL. Ill check my PM box every other day.

For the past 48 hours I think I am the only one on this forum. I guess im using it as an open journal. Its been toughter than I thought coming up on two week since Ive sent that letter. I included my email, phone #, and address. I asked if they were NOT my mother to let me know that. Im either thinking1. She is on vacation for the summer and has not recieved/opened her mail.2. She is NOT my mother and decided its not important to deal with3. She IS my mother but as Ive read in other threads has had 46 years to forget about me or think about me and this is a shock. No matter what its still rough....in part because of my negative and distant relationship to my a-parents. Im open to any input. Ill check back.

Jazz - this is how so many of us feel but you managed to put into words perfectly! My bmother found me in 2004 and I've not dealt with it - now I'm trying and its been really tough and I struggle with how meeting her will help me. But its amazing to me to read your list. You are NOT alone. Truly! I feel every single thing you mentioned on that list. So much so that I'm going to jot it down to chat with my therapist about. The question now is ........ if we all suffer from these issues - how do we overcome them? How do we challenge them? How do we find some peace and healing?ETA - when I posted I thought it was just one page so I didn't read ALL the other pages. WOW - I'm excited to see what others think. Jazz - I didn't read through your posts but I will in a bit. But it seems that you contacted your bmom by letter and are waiting. I know that for me - waiting to hear from my bmother once we had been in touch is very tough and brings really strong feelings of fear. So I know its a tough time for you. I don't have any advice - other than to just hang in there and wait it out. I'm @ work but will read more later when I'm at home. This is all coming up for me too - and I can't stand the negativity. But I want to get through my stuff. I do! More than I ever have. Just know that you're not alone and that there are others that feel JUST like you do. I know for me - realizing that has been a huge relief in itself!

Hey Jazz, it's so good to see your last two posts. I'm so happy you've found that turn on your path, I know how hard it is to be good to yourself sometimes. good job! Made my day to read that.:happydance: The waiting is really tuff, was the hardest part for me. My mother freaked out for a while, took 9 months before I spoke with her, hope it's not that long for you. She hadn't forgotten me by any means, and was very happy I'd found her, just took her a while to stand back up after the shock. She hadn't told anyone about us. Said she had nightmares, and felt 19 yrs old again, and afraid, like she re-lived it all over again. Took her a while to tell her husband, was afraid she'd loose him and her other kids. She didn't. Hang in there, I do hope it is her. Sending you all the telepathic power for patience and positive thoughts that I can muster. I'd send another letter if you don't hear anything soon, just to let her know you are not giving up and are willing to wait. good luck (((jazzdrummer)))

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." Henry David Thoreau Just thought i'd throw this one out there for the wait :)

Gab, Cool. Check your PM box :) Beth, thanks!!

Wow. 9 months. That IS going to be hard, it is hard and its only been two weeks. I can do it though. Time to move on for me. I did what I could and its time for me to look forward

I'm 51 and feel the same way. I have been searching since I was 15. I know my bmom has been searching at the very least since 1992. If we could just get together, I think alot of the feelings will go away. I'm not saying that having her 100 percent will fix it but just filling in the pieces will close the big hole. We need to know and so do our bparents.