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I hate to supplant the open adoption support thread, but J came to my husband and I this morning with something that's really bugging me. I need birth and adoptive family input- so here I am. Most of you know my story. If you need more details, I'll help, but let's skip to the issue at hand. J told us this morning that sis (she's 17) has been sharing that she hates her mom and thinks that I am and always have been her "real mom" but she's just stuck with M until she graduates, moves out to CA (where we live) and never has to speak to her mom again. I reminded J that there was probably a time that he "hated" me and that teenagers tend to say these kind of things and it's not necessarily true. He said it's not the same because it was a short phase (a month or so) with him when he was mad because of rules. He said sis has consistently said that she has felt this way about her mom her entire life- that she's always hated her because of how difficult she is to live with and how she acts/treats her. She told J he was the lucky one that he's never had to live with or deal with M and she can't wait until she doesn't have to. Based on her few days with me and how J has spoken of me and his life over the past year, she's decided that I'm her "real mom" too and she can't wait until she doesn't have to have M in her life anymore. This makes me sick to my stomach to hear. I would never wish on ANY mother being despised by their child. I would never wish the pain of hearing that someone else is the "real mom"- BELIEVE ME. I hate the term "real mom" and never use it about myself or anyone. I KNOW teens say this kind of baloney. She's obviously idealizing me based on fantasy and hearsay. But, the deal is I also know that M's issues are real, and would be very difficult to live with. I have compassion for J's sis and the lack of healthy mothering which she clearly misses and for what she has had to endure. I've never had any contact with sis outside of our two in-person visits and don't intend to- I feel strongly about adults approaching other people's kids and I don't cross that line. But I've always wanted to be able to love her as J's sis if and when she did come out here. Now I wonder if I can without causing more hurt and destruction for M. Maybe this is more likely in a fost-adopt situation, but has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? I don't intend to do anything. There's nothing for me to do. But now I'm all convoluted in my brain about what is an appropriate relationship with her in the future, if and when she does reach out to me personally or does come here. For those with older adopted kids who have active relationships with their kept siblings- have you dealt with the "I want your life" or "I want your mom" fantasizing? I'm sure many birth moms must have faced this too with their placed kids. Being called the "real mom"...not wanting to hurt or replace their mom, but loving the child and knowing that their life has not been good or that they did not receive good mothering? I've wanted to love her as J's sis and I've tried to send that love through J and through the couple cards and gifts we've sent and now I wonder if even that was too much...if I need to present a more cold shoulder for now? Or does this girl need a strong mother figure and should I deny her that because I don't want to hurt M even more? Things can never just be simple and uncomplicated, can they? I'm sure you guys can help me get my head straight about this.
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Heidi,First hang on to those first instincts. She is a teen. We can recognise that her mother (with her mental illness) has not been easy to live with. In fact from what you have shared in the past, I suspect she has been forced to be the responsible one. In you, she's had a glimpse of a "normal" family life. (BTW, can I move in with you? I'd love to have you for my mom too.) I think you can tell J that she may not always feel the way she does right now. (At that age my daughter thought I was horrible and couldn't wait to get away from home. Now she keeps wanting us to move closer -- of course, it could be she just wants a babysitter, lol.) I would not encourage her to think of anyone other than her mother as her real mom. At the same time, she does need to experience the kind of unconditional love you offer. (Note to all reading this: unconditional love does NOT mean anything goes! But to thrive, children -- and adults -- need to believe that they are loveable and loved.) She can't just up and move from PA to CA tomorrow, so encourage him to encourage her to do her best in school, and hang in there. What is her relationship with her Dad? Does she want to cut off ties there too?
I don't know, and I never thought of it...now I'm terrified. I was so worried about Ty being jealous of his parented siblings, I never in a million years thought it could go the other way, but I can see how it could.
hopefully we'll adopt so many kids that his parented siblings would want no part of our crazy life :)
I have no words to explain...this seems like a grass is greener situation...she didn't have to deal with all the emotional issues that come with being an adoptee, so I'm sure your son's life (combined with her emotional security of being parented by her bmom) makes for a perfect ideal situation. In reality, she would have become and entirely different person if she hadn't been parented by her bmom...hard to tell a teenager that though I'm sure!
In Heidi's case, J is her husband's son so it's a step-adoption. Her husband however is not the bfather of J's sister. (Heidi will correct me if I have the story wrong.) J's bmom has some very real mental health issues so that in many ways, in this case, the grass really IS greener. The tricky thing about teens is that they frequently wish they really had different parents. I used to meet parents of my daughter's friends who told me what a lovely daughter I had and how they enjoyed her company. (This was the same girl who never spoke to me unless she was yelling about something!) Unfortunately, where there is adoption or divorce in the family dynamic, it gives the teen a weapon to use against the parish. Mostly, my only advice is to fasten your seatbelt for the ride. The good news -- my daughter now tells me she thinks I did a good job!!!
I'm sorry....I am confused.
J is your adopted son - but your dh's bioson
J's sis......is being raised by J's biomom and is not the child of your dh? So, J's half sister from his biomom.......
am I right?
for a bit I thought you were the birthmom ....but after reading responses I don't think so...
Where is she getting the idea that you are somehow her real mom? Or for that matter - if my chart of your family is accurate - how would she think you are a mother at all to her? It sounds like you have no direct connection to her.............
That seems like a strange statement for a teen to make. She would be old enough to understand the connections.....is she perhaps needing some councelling?
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I think you have got it right Leigh.
Heidi, she IS a teenager, granted from a messed up situation for sure (from what I understand). The thing is, she's seeing you as an outsider. I'm sure you imposed a lot of limits and discipline on J (as mother's do!) and she doesn't see that, kwim?
Man that's tough though. I remember her talking about coming this summer and how that was freaking you out a little, I am thinking that your instincts on her were right.
If I were you, I would try to stay out of it as much as possible. It's not really about YOU it's about her and her situation. Fantasizing is one thing, doing something about it, how feasible is it for her really?
IF she starts packing her bags THEN you'll need to step in and do something. What, I'm not sure, but setting limits and so on.
What a mess! and just what you DON'T need.
She's graduating next spring, isn't she? I can't imagine that she'd be willing to bugger off to CA and leave her senior year of highschool, friends etc behind. I'm sure she's just had a rough summer because she's been home. Hopefully she'll get into a college, live in dorms and this won't be a situation anymore.
Hang in there!
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Heidi
My inital take on J's talk with you and hubby was a young woman wanting to be close to her brother who acts in a loving way to his estranged family. I can appreciate how hard it has been for her growing up in a family where Mom has episodes and she takes over as Mom's stunt double. Mmmmm.....interesting isn't it how different family's operate:eyebrows:
My suggestion to you would be to do what you feel you need to assure J that there will always be a place for his sis or anyone for that matter who he feels is significant in his life. A Family Home is a special sharing place and there's always enough love and food and blankets to go around. Don't be specific....but stress the open-door policy so if there is a need later on, he knows you would not turn her away.
Don't show a "cold shoulder". You are who you are and never make apologies for being the loving caring Heidi we know. As for being her "real Mom" you and I and everyone else know she can't choose her "real Mom" .... BUT......J can be her big brother and she can be in reunion with his family and you can be her Aunt Heidi.
My experience with "I wish I was able to grow up in your family" moments with bson .....I acknowledge it with a smile and a squeeze. It's wish - an impossibility......I can't change what is......I know I wish he was able to grow up in my life too, but no words or acts will change what has been. We only have the future.
((hugs)) Don't stress about things that may not happen. Why you are standing tall and scratching your head another problem creeps up behind and hits you behind your knees...splat:eek:
The other thing I thought I'd comment on.....don't you love how our kids who live away from home come back for a few days or a week or a month and all is great....they spend great time with their friends, eat all your food, use up all the gas in the car and the seats in the lounge and then after you have washed and carefully ironed all their clothes and cleaned their room and they are getting ready to depart....they have this really important thing to tell you....and they leave you in a state of perpetual thought/worry. :hypno:
Ann[/FONT]
Poor kid. Going through her teen years with an abusive, mentally ill mother and an absent father. Having contact with a half-brother whose father cared enough about him to take him away from the mentally ill mother and provide him a permanent, adoptive mother who is good and kind. And she gets to press her nose against the glass and see what her life could have been like if she had a father who cared enough to remove her or if she had been allowed to live with her half-brother. If she has been saying this for a long time (according to your son) and he is now mentioning it to you, maybe he thought you might be open to her when she could legally leave the home she was left in? For his sake and for hers you should let them both know now that the welcome mat is not out.
You do have the connections right Leigh. But it's not that she's confused, she's just angry and fantasizing. I think the insight that this has a lot to do with sis and J as much as it does with sis and her mom, is pretty on target. I do think that some of this was borne of out J and sis's desire to be closer. They bonded right away and don't like that they live in different families, in different realities. I think they'd both like to just float her on over into his life, which I'm afraid may have led J into encouraging this line of thinking...a bit of fantasizing on his part as well as hers. They were both born to M but I'm his mom, so maybe I can just "adopt" sis too? (their line of thinking, not mine) He is definitely the one who's done the "talking me up" and I wouldn't be surprised, on further thought, if he had proposed the concept in response to sis's frustrations with her mom. I'm 99.9% positive this has nothing to do with rules and discipline. Sis's father is very present and makes all the decisions and all the rules and enforces them all. She has no complaint about discipline that I've heard. She's complaining more about the unique issues of living with and dealing with her mother's behavior, which are mostly caused by her illness. In case I gave the wrong impression I do want to make clear that M is not abusive. Perhaps some of her behavior towards sis could be loosely construed as emotional abuse as coming from a mother to a daughter, but it's not malicious behavior and her perceptions are not something she can control. She knows she is ill and is as highly managed as is possible by a whole team of medical and social professionals. When M was here for the first F2F with J, she even shared that she wished she could be a better mom to sis, but with her particular symptoms, combined with the effects of the medication, she just can't offer her daughter what she wishes she could and what she knows she needs. She's just not able. That's part of what make me so sad to hear this. I know that M wants to be a good mom, but she's just captive behind some bars in her mind that she can't just wish away. I do think sis is now doubly angry at seeing how her own brother's family life is different. I did make clear to J that as much as I am glad that she loves me (I was afraid M's other kids would hate me for adopting J) I will never do anything that I think interferes with a parent-child relationship and it doesn't make me happy to hear she feels this way. You guys have given me some good thoughts. I like your "smile and a squeeze" response Kune. :) ...and "Aunt Heidi"...hmmm, I'd never considered that, but it does imply a loving familial relationship that involves care but is distinctly not a mother. You're always wise, Kathy. Thanks for the offer to PM. :) Thanks all. I was just so shell-shocked at first, my brain went wonky. :arrow:
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