Unusual situation

i just wanted to say first of all what you are going through is normal and being a bmother in reunion myself, i think talking about your feelings on this site can be VERY helpful. as for the possibility of being recognized, you can not change your user name or delete photos or posts you make. i changed my profile in every possible way to hide my identity, but there is only so much you can do. if you feel he might recognize your user name i would just create a new account with false info. there are so many of us here posting that it would be pretty hard to figure out who was who unless you get really specific with details, dates and places. i encourage you to keep posting and letting yourself receive support. reunion is a really intense experience, and i for one have gotten a lot of support from talking to other's on this site. best of luck!

I have a kinda similar situation to you, as my bsister also posts on these forums and read all of my posts that had to do with her....although I knew that was certainly a possibility when I started posting, I didn't really think about it too much. I've been pretty open about my feelings regarding her reunion with my mom (her bmom), and she told me recently that it was helpful to her to hear my thoughts and feelings via those posts. So, maybe it will lead to greater openness between you and your bson. Best of luck, Knittygirl

CMWbmom This is common.. and if he is reading the threads then maybe its good if he gets to know you.. I told my bson about how I post here.. but I do not think he reads my posts.. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/reunions-relationships-relative-strangers/340481-reunion-socialization.html[/url] Check out the first post in this thread.. Welcome to the roller coaster ride of your life.. :cowboy: Jackie

Thanks ladies. The link was very helpful. If you told me a month ago that I would experience anything of this magnatude, I would have thought you were crazy. Of course, without this advice and the reading I've done on this forum, I would think "I" was crazy. I'm lucky in that bson, being 35 years old, is mature, well adjusted, extremely bright and more than willing to take this journey with me. I'm the one with most of the demons to deal with. The biggest one being bfather. We've not had any contact since 1973, yet I was easily able to track him down. Bson would like my help in making contact and I can't decide to try a letter or call. The letter would enable me to send a picture and the resemblance is hard to deny. However, his spouse may intercept it and he may never get it. I had thought to ask him in the letter to call me to confirm that he got it, so no more attempts at contact would be made. Has anyone ever tried that approach? That way, the spouse would be less likely to try and hide it.

Why not pass bdad's info along to bson and let him make the contact directly? This way you don't have to be in the middle of it.

He's already got the contact info. He'd rather I do it and I think I understand his reasoning. It's not something I fear doing. I just want to make sure bfather actually gets the information.

i have been in reunion for 12yrs this jan. after our first ftf i rang the bdad. then there was no wonderingabout the info getting thru. it took 11yrs for my bdaughter to contact him after that. good luck susie

CMWbmom You are going through one of the most emotional times in your life.. and you need to take care of you.. He is a grown up man and his relationship with his birthfather IMO needs to be one on one.. just like you with him.. Getting in the middle may bring up some things that need not be brought up.. emotions that you do not need right now.. Take care of you.. Jackie

This has been the longest 3 1/2 weeks of my life. No matter how hard I try to keep a positive outlook, the hurt returns. It's pretty hard to take care of my own needs at this point. I don't know if bson realizes the impact he's had and the agony I'm in. I'm pretty sure he's had similar pain and anger for years. He's never implied it, but I feel it. He and his adopted sister haven't been speaking for years and he told me he can hold a grudge for a lifetime. I assume that was a warning. It may have been too much too soon for bson. He's pulling away. I suspected he was, now I'm sure. I've tried to keep the communication going, but it's pretty much one way now with an occasional few lines from him in response, when I do get one. I'm worried if I back off, he'll think he's being abandoned again. He's asked me to keep writing and not to stop? Mixed messages all over the place. He did write my other son an introductory letter on Tuesday. Perhaps that's all he really wants is to have a reunion with him. I don't know. I avoided dealing with my feelings about his adoption all these years other than allowing the sorrow and a deep longing, but now that we're at this point, I want to deal with it and not run from it or try to bide my time for years. I'm not in the best of health and I may not be able to hang in there as long as this may take. Sorry for being such a cry baby, but I think this is my only outlet.

CMWbmom Thirty five years of stuffing pain and now your feelings may be finally coming out. I say stand back and see this.. I think the issues we face are totally different.. yours is of great loss.. and the giving up.. His is of abandonment.. and being left.. Caused by outside situations but the reality of the feelings are real.. I do not think it was a warning.. and I do not think you have to fear what he is saying here.. No blame on your part.. You did the very best you could at the time.. When I gave my son up I did not speak of my grief I did not look at my grief and I did not know grief was what was needed.. Not processing or going through the emotions does not in any way.. give closure to what happened.. You gave your baby up when you were a kid.. in foster care.. I know I had to get into the hard emotions when I went into reunion.. and I needed time.. You can keep sending cards and words and nice things.. And you do not have to expect a return.. I do not get return.. every once in a while I get return.. but most of the time I do not.. This is my reunion.. I accept it.. Take care of you.. do you.. Let them go.. let the mixed messages go.. and send a card and send love.. and give him the time he needs to sort his feelings.. and give yourself the time you need to sort your feelings.. Stay out of the negative thinking.. Stay as far away from it as you can.. He may be angry with you.. you can not change that.. and he needs to figure his feelings out around this.. All you can do is just keeping on with him.. You go into the grief.. that is what I did.. The stages of grief.. Kubler Ross.. Talk about your feelings and I had to force my family to listen.. but I talked.. Therapy.. if you can get to therapy it really helps.. This is a major time in your life.. My goodness no cry baby you.. Think about it.. stand back and think about it.. Write your life down.. you were in foster care when you gave him up.. how much emotional stability did you have in your life back then.. Stand back and love that little girl in you that was given such a terrible choice.. I am so sorry.. I am sorry you got silences like I did.. I hated them.. They hurt something awful.. But this is the way of it.. my bson is a normal man.. and he is and was busy with his life.. no blame.. Jackie

Jackie, I sent you a PM. The silence had nothing to do with me, which is good. I feel like I hounded him and apparently that was the right thing to do! I am flying down for our 1st f2f Monday morning. At the very least, I am now able to function and think clearly again.

There is a way to send a letter so "ONLY HE" can sign for it...(birth-father) some "letters" anyone at the house can accept and sign for it....but there is a way that only "he" can.and if he is not home, he will have to go to the post office to sign for it. no-one can accept it but "him"that way you will know for sure. Ask at your Post office. (also when people sign for it.... they don't know who it's from until they do.) ( I think it may be called "Restricted registered mail" rather than just....Registered mail. )

i think that to show your bchildren unconditional love is important. Not contingent upon whether or not they have emailed, written etc. No matter how long it is that i hear from my daughter I just keep the contact up by an email or a parcel. They need to know that you wont abandon them because of anything. I think. susie

Just wanted to give a brief update. BS and I had our F2F reunion for 4 days in Vegas where he lives. It was fabulous. About 10 days later, he decided to come to my home and meet my husband for a week long visit. He's still here and goes home tomorrow. I sent a letter to his birth father a few weeks ago and we never heard anything back, so on Sunday, I took a big leap and called him. He was receptive to a visit, so my husband and I drove BS down to meet BF. WOW! Three hours in a restaurant with BF and his wife and it went great! BF's wife had also given up a child at birth and both were recpetive to finding their children. I hope to help her with her search too. I KNOW these reunions are supposed to be more difficult, but so far, this has been great. Most of my initial fears are gone and they were apparently normal to experience. Thank you all for being here and helping so many people connect. Healing is such a good thing! In the process of reuniting, I've found lots of lost friends and a foster sister than I missed dearly. I just re-connected with her this morning via phone and we can't WAIT to get together too!