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This is my first post here. I have been struggling for so long with this. my adopted son is now almost 4. we got him at 9 months old and we were his 4th home!! He had severe attachment issues and we went to therapy for a long time. Those "issues" are going to (in some way) be with him for a very long time. His lack of attachment to me at the very beginning have had a lasting affect on me. I still struggle to love him the way I love my bio kids. I feel AWEFUL for even typing that and I would never admit it to anyone.
Does anyone else feel like that?
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your feelings are very normal....VERY normal. i don't have any bios...but i can totally relate to your predicament. i've been there. my family is in more of the healing stage right now than the hurting stage...but we experienced alot of hurt, trauma, and confusion bc of our child's attachment issues. they can rip a family apart and bring a normal healthy adult to their knees....or to tears in their doctor's office and then out on stress leave. lol. it is very difficult to love a child like a son or daughter who clearly behaves as though they don't want you as a mom....and when i think back about all we've been through as a family bc of one child, it is hard to let go of the anger and resentment that has built up because of some of the actions this child has taken. this has been a big struggle for me for years....in the end, i have realized i do best when i have a friend to walk along side me who has btdt that i can tell all my awful thoughts to and she can tell me i'm normal. :) it is much much easier to raise my child when i hear this because i can then go back to the situation and tell myself i am not crazy, my child has issues that i did not cause and that they can not control. slowly....SLOWLY....S-L-O-W-L-Y....my child has learned coping mechanisms and things to do to curb their anxiety and insecurities that allow them to function at a much closer level to normal than they've ever experienced before. even S-L-O-W-E-R i've learned a little to look past the personal attacks and try to love my child even when i don't feel like it. it is hard.please find some support for yourself. if you don't know anyone, try posting this again on one of these boards: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/special-needs-attachment/[/url]i like both the special needs one and the bonding and attachment one. there are SO many parents here that are raising children with attachment issues that you will meet plenty of people who have btdt. your child is still so young...you have a greater chance of success than i ever did. please take a break, too....see if someone will watch your kids and go get a massage or pedicure...i know you are busy...but you deserve a break. :) take some time for yourself. :)
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Thank you for your kind words! I (we) have been in therapy, specifically Attachment therapy since he was 9 months old. Basically since we got him. He is a COMPLETELY different child now. However, all the bad memories are still there for me. All the pushing away, not wanting me to hold/feed/change/bathe/etc... him. All the stuggles it put our family through. My therapist has always told us to "fake it till you make it" for the sake of the child. I have done that but his behavior sometimes is just more than I can handle. We get through it and we'll continue to get through it but it's just hard. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this! It help tremendously!
I was in a similar situation recently, feeling very guilty that my feelings toward my FD (now AD) of almost three years were aberrant. I just have a very difficult time bonding with her in the way that I want to and the way that she deserves! She has been with me since she had just turned 4. Her manipulativeness, lying, sneaky behavior made it really hard to feel that deep parent/child love bond. I felt/feel terrible about this. Her behavior is such that if she senses someone softening towards her she sees it as a weakness and will take advantage of it :( She has been in therapy since she was first placed with me and our (wonderful) therapist has told me that "as long as it took for the damage to be done, that is how long it can take to undo it"! Yikes! That means another year! LOL
Anyway, I was feeling very guilty about this until I finally was able to speak the words aloud to a friend who is also a foster/adoptive parent and she told me that she felt the same way about her AD, for a LONG time, and that it has only been fairly recently that she has been able to feel that bond. So, I have hope! I would also recommend maybe talking to a therapist yourself, about these issues. Have you? I talk to ours and it has helped, but I still struggle
Anyway, I hope this helps, at least not feel you are all alone, I think it is really common, just difficult to speak about. You have my prayers and sympathy. Good luck!
I totally understand how you feel. It is imposible to not resent an attachment disordered child. They thrive on that and they go out of their way to create it. If you plan on continuing being his parent, you must "fake it". If you chose to disrupt the placement, then its understandable. Sometimes damage cannot be undone.
Hi,
I'm mom to 5 great children and a beautiful foster daughter whose since gone on to join the military. Until recently, I had six kids at home. In May, my daughter of two years was transitioned into another adoptive family in the south.
I can empathize with your feelings. I have adopted older children three times. The first was my daughter, now 10, when she was 14 months old. Second, my son, now 5, at 2. The little girl we adopted/disrupted was 9 when she arrived and suffered horrific abuse at the hands of birth mother and physical abuse with her birth father. She was diagnosed with PTSD. I am quite certain she also has, at the very least, ODD and ADD. Without a doubt, she has untreated RAD.
I dumped everything into this child from the day she arrived to the about six weeks before she left. Even when the decision to disrupt was made, I put great effort into loving her and trying to make it work. When she left, I spent 8 weeks in a deep, almost morose, depression. It was a relief to have her gone because the anger, tension, and the insanity of it all stopped. But, there was the guilt and the anger I experienced because I felt like I'd been cheated of the opportunity to adopt a child that would "work" with our family. I know this is very, very selfish because she is a child and I'm the adult, but I felt used. At the very end, it came out she stayed with my family because she wanted out of foster care and little more. She stated she never felt attached to us and didn't want to be adopted. I choose not to dwell on this anymore because she cannot be anything more than who/what she is right now. I woke up one morning and decided it's my choice to continue to let this eat me alive, or move on. I chose to move on.
Your therapist is right about "faking it til' you make it." My 10-year-old had attachment issues. There were times I didn't like her and regreted adopting her. Our therapist told me to change the way I reacted to her and start looking at her in a positive light. First, she had me take her out by ourselves. We also did cuddling therapy, where I would hold her whenever she needed it. It changed a lot of things for me, but there are times I still don't feel as bonded to her as the three I raisd from birth.
Take time out for yourself and realize it's okay to feel the way you do. You are human. Kids with attachment issues can emotionally drain the life out of the best person. It's not for the fainthearted. Your son has a chance I'm afaid my (disrupted) daughter may never have. He's had a wonderful start with you. I give you a big applause for working so hard with him.
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yes, i just started therapy for myself too. i go to the same therapist we went to for my son's attachment therapy. i've joked with them that they're never going to get rid of us. we did attachment therapy with our AS, then therapy with our oldest bio because he had a difficult time when we added more ids to the family, now i'm going. i told him they wont get rid of us until we've all been there. lol! thanks everyone for sharing. it really helps to know i'm not the only one.
I am glad to have found this thread. Friday we will pick up a 10yr old girl that we will be adopting, we just finished visits. She does not have attachment problems, she actually is fitting in fine with our family other than she is such a tom-boy i have no idea what to do with her. But that is not a real issue I know that we will be fine no biggie i have a son that she has bonded with wonderfully. Its all me!! I'm having these serious panic attacks about bringing her home for good. I keep thinking omg what have we done we cant do this! Its like after giving birth and you say oh never mind put the baby back...LOL She is a great kid!! But I have terribly flipped out! I want it to stop and I want to do this but I have no clue how to make this stop. My parents are concerned about the placement as she is a different race than us and I know that will be a slight factor as we live in a small town and their just worried about the kids as i am also but I have no idea how to move forward. I am crazy or should I listen to my panic??
I think everyone has panic, I have serious issues getting excited about things and then at the last moment, wondering and flipping out about what was I thinking, and I can't do this! I and DH are in the process of adoption paperwork and just finished. And I am already panicking and I haven't even got a match yet. I wonder all the time what am I doing, is it the right or wrong thing, will I regret it later...the questions keep coming. But this just isn't about adopting..I have 2 bio-kids and I hate to say, but I felt the same way with them and I have the most wonderful and easiest kids on the planet and just love and adore them, but its with lots of situations..even buying homes, moving, the list goes on and on..I am on board then I get really, REALLY nervous. I think for me it comes down to what God wants for me, what HIS will is for me. I know if I do this on my own, I WILL back out for many reasons, mostly because I am so unsure. I do love kids and at 36 am very very young looking for my age, kids naturally gravitate to me and my DH as we are small people, just 5'1'' and 5'5'' inches who look like we are in our early 20's. My DH will be 40! We used to HATE looking young, now today we just love it! But still I panic! So even if I can't give you some words of wisdom..I can say this much, you are in such GOOD company as I am EXACTLY like you! But it does work out in the end for me, usually, once I just go through the nervousness! Good Luck!
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I have been doing better and reading your post has really made me feel so much better. You have described me to a tee!!! I'm always second guessing myself and I'm a pleaser and want to make sure everyone is happy and when my parents expressed concern it freaked me out. My support team wavered what do I do???...lol So in the end my mother said it was my family and my choice and I know she will support me no matter what she may have just not made the same decision. That's my big thing, when I make a choice no matter how big or small when someone I trust questions it I begin to question myself. So my change of attitude? I called to check on R (our soon to be AD) and her FM yells "R your mom is on the phone!! omg!! LOL But I didn't panic I found that I was smiling from ear to ear and that's when I knew in my heart she's already mine. We may not know each other that well and times may get tough before they get easier (and i bet i even have another "what have we done moment") but she is counting on me. Then on the way to work this morning they have this little kid on the radio, he's a foster kid and says we need people to take care of us and then he says it has only been 15 seconds and another child has been taken into state custody. Yep this is what drew me in the first place. These kids need parents and I'm a parent who can no longer have children. I'm good today and tomorrow I will go pick up my daughter and we will have the first day of the rest of our lives together. It wont be perfect but it will be real and it will be great. Thanks so much for your help and I'd love to return the favor one day. PM me if you ever need the sympathetic ear of a fellow panicer!!..LOL
If God brought you to it.
He will get you through it!!
Glad that I could help. Not many people who aren't adopting truly understand WHY we choose this path! Even, I am sure we don't 100% understand, why..sometimes its just Gods will and not our own. I had my boys birthday party a few weeks ago, where they turned 12 and 10 and ALL my family and friends, about 40 of them we're there. Our parties are huge and last all day and surprisingly everyone knew and was supportive, my Mom has even come around..and like you, if she wavers, I can too at times..but her attitude towards things is pretty good now. I thought I had told everyone, for real about the adoption thing...except I didn't realize my one sister didn't know. She is 12 years older then me and is pretty negative about things..but I have been so open about the process to so many people I really thought everyone knew, I wasn't trying to exclude her. Someone brought the subject up and I was like, Yeah we are pretty much done and will be licensed soon and she almost fell off the chair. She was shocked..asking what I was talking about..I said the "adoption"..she said, oh you decided finally to do it then, I looked confused and then said...yeah I'm almost done..just 2 more things and we are ready to go. She said I didn't know that and I responded, I thought everyone knew...everyone looked at her funny, and so did I. I have blabbed so much to everyone I assumed I had done it to her too...guess not. Had I known, she didn't know...I may have not told her due to the fact she is not real positive on things. The next day, My mom received a call from her, she was livid..saying every negative thing..about the adoption thing and asked why she wasn't told. My Mom told me what happened on the phone later that day and said, well I set her straight and then ...I told her YOU are quite capable. I was happy that she is supporting me. I told you this story so you can see that not everyone even in my life supports everything I do. But I believe IF it is meant to be, that we will be the right family for a child picked out just for us by God. Unlike the rest of my family, I have always done things so different then the group...I have always been the one out there paving new ground and leading the rest of everyone to a different way of thinking. My Mom used to fight me, now she is proud of my tenacity and new ways of doing things. This is probably ONE of the reasons I DO get sooooo nervous. All eyes are on me most times to see how things go. I have been the first to get married young, first to go to college, first to build a home, first to build a second home, first to have kids parties-We have rented a place out for my boys party 7 years in a row, and if all goes well first to adopt and then have the first set of THREE or more kids for any of my siblings..they all have 1-2 kids each. But the funny thing, even though I like you, am a wreck, for some reason, I don't feel like a wreck around them, I look and feel very calm. Which makes them all confused WHEN I do the thing I talk about and it works out. It looks like I am doing it all right then later, they ALL are like, WOW...how effortless. Then their thoughts shift from disbelief to hey...maybe I was wrong after all. I don't try to make them think that, most times they just do. So sometimes, just some food for thought...that even though WE are the ones who are embarking on this crazy, scary, life-changing event..that those around us are changing forever because of OUR choices. I know in my family, I am seen as the one, who is unconventional, yet as my family will agree later, it always seems to work out. Many don't understand it, many are shocked and though I don't plan on it..many are so inspired to think differently. I guess GOD does have a reason, maybe not just for me, but for them too..going into adoption we think its all about our new family to be, but sometimes its just as much about changing other peoples limited views. I know for me, nervous as I get, and I DO get so bad at times, I am always wondering why do I do this stuff..but in the end God knows WHY we do it to begin with, he sees things we don't see and for us to be able to something and be a wreck, yet it works out..it MUST be meant to be. It doesn't mean we won't have problems and obstacles..but somehow we will get through it! Just need an outlet to talk and glad to say, we have it here. God is good now if only he could tell me what to do next...but I wait patientyl trusting in him, even if at this point, I am laughing thinking to myself...God must think I am nuts!:eek: Good Luck with your new child...and thanks too for giving me much needed encouragement, it was wonderful to read your post one night and see ME in someone I never met. It makes me realize that I am not the ONLY one out there, who embarks on a new life without all the anxieties! So you HAVE helped me too! God Bless! :thanks:
I hope this helps.....R came home to us for good on Friday and its been great! She is getting settled and fitting in wonderfully. I've been panic free since she got here and while i've been stressed over the chaos I have no regrets or doubts. I have found peace (in my heart my life is anything but peaceful...lol) Hang in there I know not everyone has this type of ending and I know most of you were talking about kids that are having attachment problems and I really feel for all of you. I will keep all of you in my prayers and in the end your doing a great great thing and you should be very proud of what your doing.
You sound like someone I use to talk with on this board and another one.Anyway I have a now 10 yo dd that we adopted at 8 placed at 7 and she gives us HELL!!!! There are so many times I have wanted to throw in the towel with her.OUr life is not easy. I just wish sometimes we never adopted her.There I have said it out loud.I hope it gets better for you ,me and everyone else who is going through this .
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I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time with your little girl. Your ok saying you wish you had never done it, there are times since we got our dd that i've thought this was the wrong thing to do but I know that we have made a choice and we must adjust to the way our lives are now. I know we're doing the right thing I just feel like the fit is a little off and maybe that will change and maybe it wont but we have her now and I owe to her to give her a good life. We're the adults right? As for your dd, if she is that disruptive and hard maybe the fit is too wrong and maybe you should think of another alternative? I dont know what to say, I do know that our birth children can turn out completely not like we expected and we have to raise them for better or for worse. I really feel for you and never ever think your a bad person, your a good person in a very difficult situation!
I stumbled about this thread and smiled when I read the post regarding the panic. Right now I am in panic mode of the kiddo we are matched with. He is very, very high needs special needs (not behavioral, but medical and development) and I am wondering a lot lately, is this REALLY what we want to do. We are asking many questions and hopefully we will have some clarity and make a final decision very soon.