I'm not sure how to do this?

This was alot. Hey if I help you, can you help me. I have a different problem. My son is always asking for a baby sister/bother and will not let me pack away any baby items. How do I tell him that just maybe we might not be able to have another child? (He was adopted and we have been looking for baby number two for awhile.) So if I help you, you have to give me advice. Okay back to you, sorry about that. As how to approach this, try putting it in a way that you are helping out a wonderful couple that can not have children on their own. The greatest gift of all, the gift of life, love and happiness. Ask her "Wouldn't that feel great to be able to share this gift with them?" I quess I would try to make it sound so positive that you and your children are doing something so speacial that the adoptive parents would be so happy. Reassure her the baby will be loved and cared for. If you have met the adoptive parents, maybe they could send pictures and gifts directly to your daughter from the baby. I did this with my son's sister and brother, they love it. As to your son who is completely related. I can not think of anything. He might feel something when he gets older but when and if this comes up, just be honest. If you do have a good realtionship with the adoptive parents, they will keep in touch through the years and just maybe you all can visit later on. Now help me.... Good Luck!!!

Hey Mamabear... I understand how frustrating and worrying it must be to try to explain such things to young children. They can't really grasp everything we want them too. :)The thought that came to mind when reading your post was just stay positive with them and let them know that just because baby C is going to have a different mommy and daddy, she's still their sister. Then when M says something like "why are THEY buying presents for MY sister" you can respond with something like "Yes C is your sister, but *adoptive parents* are going to be C's mommy and daddy and so they're buying her gifts just like I buy things for you" then you could also explain how you love being a mommy so much you wanted to let them be a mommy and daddy... and so you are C's "tummy mommy" and they're going to be her regular mommy and daddy. Yes? No? Maybe? I just think that's a fairly simple and child appropriate way to explain things. I would also try to find ways to involve them in the adoption so they feel like they're "acting" instead of being "acted upon" (I would imagine feelings of being acted upon would lead to feelings of "is mom going to give ME away too?) Good luck!!

Kindredspirit, as for your dilemma I would tell your son something along the lines of "While we're waiting for a baby we have to pack up the baby stuff because it's getting dirty laying around and we want to keep it nice for the baby". Then invite him to help pack things up. If he throws a fit simply tell him he can either help you pack up, or go do something else (but the stuff IS getting packed up!). Remember, you're the mom so YOU decide how things are run :) Good luck

Please do NOT say this to your child. It is not her responsibility, nor yours, to give this adoptive couple anything, nor to make them happy. Right now you need to address her loss, her grief. It does not feel "great" to her to "share this gift with them." It feels horrible to her and she is going to deal with a lot of emotions, but I can guarantee that trying to put a positive spin on it will only make her shut down and totally negates her feelings. Try telling her the truth in an age appropriate way. Assure her that you will always be her mom (most kids wonder, "If you give my brother/sister away, will you give me away too?) Speak with the adopting parents and be really clear about what consistent contact will mean to your child. If there is a legally binding open adoption agreement, talk to your daughter about what contact will look like. If you want to chat, please pm me.

I hope you don't mind me posting -- I'm a (bio) Mom to a 6 yr old and hoping to adopt a baby soon. I found a children's book that I really liked called Sam's Sister by Juliet Bond (try Amazon.com or I got mine off of Ebay). It is written for the children of birthparents who are making an adoption plan for a unborn baby. It is written from the child's perspective and I realy like the story. I may be a little different in my thinking, but I plan to read it with my son to help him understand how he may be able to have a little brother or sister in his life. That's just my .02 and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide!

I agree 100% with Brenda.

I responded to the OP via PM because originally she had posted in an area where I could could not reply and I know she was looking for feedback. I am copying exactly what I sent her through PM but after reading the responses I want to reiterate to Mamabear that it is NOT your resposnibilty nor your child's to provide YOUR baby to anyone wanting to be parents. PAP's realize there is always a possibilty that the Emom will decide to parent. You are also not responsible for their reaction or heatbreak. First and foremost this is YOUR baby. I cannot emphasise this enough. I am sure the PAPs are wonderful in many cases and would make great parents ,but that does not mean that they must parent YOUR baby. If they are truly meant to be parents then God will she that the right baby finds them. Below is my original PM Maybe this is God's way of telling you to reconsider and keep your baby. Adoption is a permanant solution to temporary problems" Finances change and babies grow up. They don't stay little and super dependant forever. Please don't feel like you OWE these adoptive parents YOUR baby. I don't care how wonderful they are or how much you love them. This is YOUR baby. These adoptive parents will get over it. Your baby needs and knows you, not them. Whenever I read a post like yours I cannot help but think that God is speaking to your heart. In your case in the form of your sweet little girl. I am an adoptee and I am by far in no way against adoption. It's just that adoption clearly is not for everyone. Please please listen to that small voice inside of you speaking on behalf of your unborn baby.I pray God continues to reveal His plan for you. I also fully agree that no child should be meant to feel that sacrificing their own flesh and blood sibling is "gift" to a childless couple. I urge you ro take heed to Brenda's advise. This baby is your child's sibling and she too will have to live with the consequenses of giving up your baby too. These are LIFELONG. EZ

Does your son know that he is adopted? I guess that would be a big question for me to even begin to understand where he and you are at in all of this. If he does know I would tell him that you are waiting for the most perfect little baby to come along so he can have a perfect little brother/sister!! And if he doesn't know, well then I spose i would either try and involve him in packing and wrapping up all the baby stuff or just one day put it all away in a safe place while he isn't there and I know that sounds really mean but, he will get over it, I had to do the same things with Z's pink blanket this year and now he will only occasionally ask for it but otherwise he's fine without it and it doesn't bother him. Maybe being surrounded by his baby stuff is kinda like Z's security blanket?

mamabear there are laws that can get you out of an adoption. Just always keep in mind nothing is final until you sign your name and that line. So before it gets that far and hopefully I havent gotten to you to late you are not required to do anything until your name is on the dotted line!

Kids are so smart. You really just need to be honest. keep it simple but honest. Are you going to have an open adoption?? If so, then you can let her know that she'll see her again. It's hard now, but it sounds like the adoptive family is really great and perhaps they will be understanding of your situation and willing to be open for the sake of all the children.