What would you like from your birth mother?

Wow Mom to, you sound like an awesome mother IMO. I am a reunited B-mom and my adoption was also closed although I was committed to providing regular medical updates and once she turned 18 providing contact information should she want to search. My daughter will be 23 on 1/1/09 and looking back I can honestly say the first 4-5 years after I placed her were the hardest. Besides dealing with trying to get my life back on track I was also dealing with the grief in having placed her. That in itself took years for me. While you find happiness and joy with your daughters placement, she is grieving a baby's loss, but unlike a death those around us don't always recognize, understand or support us. Later I often wished I had a way to contact her Mom. I would have welcomed the chance to provide medical info, photos and updates for her. Maybe in time, your daughters B-mom will open up and offer more information for her. Maybe she will meet other triad members or find a website or support group that will help her see just how important this is. In the meantime I would suggest that for now you be patient, (easier said than done, I know ) and when your daughter is actually old enough to have these things you send her a letter or card telling her how important you think it would be to her. I am simply saying it is still early. Given enough time maybe things will change, perhaps she will feel more comfortable with the idea of providing information and be able to do so. Just make sure she knows that the door is being left open for her. Best Wishes and I think you are great :cheer: for wanting this...Tracy

It's so hard to say what your daughter's bmom is thinking. I would have welcomed very much a request from my son's amom for a picture and updated medical info. I had semi-open, but didn't realize how it all worked for the first few years, so I just assumed I wasn't hearing from them because they were not interested in sending me info at that time (I didn't know I had to request information to initiate the process). Once we got the ball rolling, I would request updates, but they never asked me to send anything. It wasn't until very recently (and my son is grown) that they expressed how much they looked forward to getting my correspondence! I was never really sure how it was received and often worried that I was "intruding." I am not placing blame on the aparents, but if I had known it was so welcomed, I think I would have felt more at ease about sending and asking for updates. So, I think it's great you want to open the lines of communication and request this information, however, given your daughter's bmom has requested a closed adoption, I don't know how she would respond. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask for it through the agency and let her know that you are not trying to pressure her for more openness than she is ready for, but if she is comfortable with this, could she send pictures and updated medical for your daughter. I also wonder since your daughter's bmom is Mexican, if there is more of a stigma in her culture for her in relinquishing a child, and thus, a need for her to not be so open as you would like. This is definitely something to consider. It sounds like you are an aparent who wanted a more open adoption situation and were matched with a bmom who wanted closed. I wish you had more of a match with the level of openness. Maybe in time, this can be possible, but you may also have to accept that it may not be something she will ever be ready for.

Wowwww !! That made my day coming from another birth mother.:cheer: I think i may just hold it off . I e-mailed our agency and requested them to personally just ask if more medical info is possible. My DH told me to hold off on the photos. I'll tell you why in response to Just Peachy's post. :thanks:

We were told that their is a lot of stigma in their culture and most expectant mothers planning to relinquish their babies hide their pregnancy. We were told our b.mom feels the same way. More over she had a different partner at that point in her life when our baby was born.She was not comfortable with a open adoption Just Peachy to begin with we were very comfortable with her choice of closed adoption. But i have been reading so much about feelings of adoptees and B.mothers that i am trying to open my mind and attitude towards everything. I am trying to look at life from what would be my childs POV when she starts understanding things. I just want her to be happy. I will go to any lengths to make her happy even if this means opening my mind .:arrow: Just Peachy i always like your posts a lot and value your advise. :loveyou:

My sister placed her child up for adopted 20 year ago this month (my sister was only 18 at the time). It was the hardest thing my sister has very done and a discussion made out of pure love for her daughter. It’s been 20 years and each year around this time my sister gets into a funk. A kinda reflection back on her life and the past 20 years. As it was an open adoption the first few years were filled with pictures of the little girl her likes dislikes, developmental success. But this stopped after age 5 by request of the adopted family. Contract was made again around age 8 when she was diagnosed with a Learning Disability, they asked for a medical history, and a photo of our family, so of course my sister shared with them my dyslexia, and sent a picture of us all. During the first decade of the child life, my sister’s funk was dealing with the loss. And as the child reached legal age the funk was more of “this is not where I pictured I’d be when she was 18.” I know in your heart what you are trying to do for your daughter and her birth mother is of good intention, but it might be too hard on the birth mother just now. The loss of giving up the child might be too much to bear at this moment in time. If you are in contact with her you might want to ask her if you can communicate with another family member (her mother father), after all these people also lost a grandchild when your child was adopted. They might want to share with you what their daughter cannot just now. Again I’m make sure that the birth mother was ok with this. As the Aunt to a child placed up for adoption I often wonder how she is, who she has become, does she look like me? She is after all our families first grandchild. I have 3 adopted sons. All of which have been orphaned to AIDS, but still have living siblings and grandparents. We still make them apart of our lives, though with one of my children it hurts him to much, so we don’t visit with them. I do make sure I know where to contact them incase he ever changes his mind.

I had to chime in, As another view from a firstmom, I am in aww of how much you love your daughter. I especially LOVE the idea of trying to see things through your daughters eyes. We need more moms like that...if we have to relinquish this makes it a little more tolerable! As you have seen from some of the previous post, we are all different. If you feel your agency is trustworthy, then you could leave all your request for them to forward. In my case the agency is NOT trustworty. I have e-mailed, notarized request for non-id, called and still have heard nothing. They are a means of aggrevation to me. In time, believe me, she will contact them when she is ready. So if you send this info and your request to them, she will surely get it. When her journey leads her to finding you, she will be happy to know, you have always tried to keep in contact...again I am humbled to know a wonderful, loving MOM, such as yourself!:flower: