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I am not sure where to begin I apologize for rambling in advance. OK about me I am 34 married 14 years we have 2 children 17 and 14. My husband came to the country illegally in 1996 we married in 99. I urged him to go through the immigration process from day 1 of the marriage. somehow it got put on the back burner. He was pulled over for a tail light and not having residency he couldn't get a license so he was arrested in 2011. Immigration process is long and even harder with only my income.
In 2012 I met this man at a local gas station. He offered to help me as my belt had broke. I talked to him found out he had survived brain cancer as evident by the large scar on his head. We struck up a friendship He would tell me about this woman and that woman and how all women treated him badly. I fell for it and I am ashamed to admit I cheated on my husband with him. He is 47 and has no children so I believed he was sterile when he told me. Well surprise I came up pregnant after 1 encounter. I was mortified! I found out he had previously got another woman pregnant. this were it gets complicated. He had another female he told me was just his long time friend. The other girl he got pregnant apparently lost the baby about the same time I got pregnant. So he obviously wasn't sterile. He was excited about the pregnancy which confused me that he even believed himself the father. I considered terminating the pregnancy but he talked me into an adoption instead. We went together to meet the prospective parents and their 5 year old son. He shook hands, hugged, and joked with them. He came around once in awhile maybe once or twice a month to see me. The Amom got so involved with the pregnancy she was awesome support. The day came for the baby to come so I called him and emailed the parents. He was acting rude just constantly on his phone or outside smoking. he missed the actual birth. when the adopting parents showed up his demeanor changed he became agitated and just got so loud he was asked to leave the hospital. He told all of us he was not up for the adoption that he had married the woman he swore was just a friend 1 week before I had the baby. I signed the relinquishment and the family took their baby home. He contested the adoption. He admitted in open court to willfully deceiving myself and the couple. He had retained an attorney even before he met with the parents. the baby got to stay with the family until the decision. We just knew as he rarely came to see me gave no financial support for the last 6 months. Plus his anger management issue in the hospital that the adoption was safe.
The judge denied the adoption and gave temporary custody to the bdad. So now the couple is devastated. I feel set up like he and this "friend" had decided to get someone pregnant. Now I am left with a huge dilema. I know that cheating was horrible but my husband does not know of the baby. Now I have to go into custody proceedings with these people. I believe he should have his 1 and only bio child but the way he went about it was all wrong. I never want to see his face again and truthfully I feel like what he did to me telling me he was sterile knowing full well he wasn't is akin to pregnancy coercion. I don't know what to do whether to go to court or not I think it would be a waste of my time thanks to him encouraging the adoption which I relinquished my rights there. I'd be fighting an uphill battle I think. or do I relinquish to him? I feel guilty for the living expenses the couple gave me. He should have just said from the get go he wanted to keep her not played this game with all of us. I haven;t slept in 2 days maybe 3 I am just all over the place. My husband will leave me for sure I won't hardly be able to see the baby because he has a high priced lawyer I don't have money.Please any input. :confused: :confused: :mad:
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Wow... well there's a lot of honesty in your post and I must say your bravery is impressive. As horrible of a situation as it is the Adoptive Parents knew what they were getting in to (hopefully) as an Adoptive Parent I can tell you that I was fully aware of the fact that its not done until it's done by everyone. So you shouldn't feel guilty. He should; it sounds like he may have let the AP's do a big part of the heavy lifting during the pregnancy (support, expenses etc) however; thats a part of the gig if your an AP's. SO you shouldnt feel guilty its a part of the process. Some people are less than moral but it's not your fault. You too have the right to feel deceived. However; if this man wants to raise this child and has the ability to, then he should be allowed to. You and the father will have to explain one day the circumstances surrounding the childs birth. But I surely wouldn't want to be the adoptive parent to a child who's first father desperately wanted and had the ability to raise. Talk about resentment! IMHO there shouldn't be a custody battle (unless first dad is proven unfit).Best of luck to you dear!
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Hi Angela,It's very sad that you've had so many difficult and heartbreaking things happen. I am appalled at how this man treated you. A few things come to mind. First, can you get support, such as joining a first-mother group or one-on-one counseling? I know you said you don't have much money, but even with professional counseling, there are low-cost and sliding scale service providers out there. I think getting support for yourself is really important.Second, you still might want to talk to a lawyer about what you've experienced. There is a list of state-by-state legal help service providers here: [URL="http://apps.americanbar.org/legalservices/probono/directory.html"]Pro Bono Programs[/URL]A few things in particular make me wonder what recourse you might have:Do you know who this other woman is? If she also told him he was sterile before he impregnated her, you may be able to prove that he exhibited a pattern of "contraceptive fraud" or "reproductive coercion." These are forms of domestic violence. Again, I wonder if the previous woman you mentioned experienced the same. Get a copy of that court transcript. Show it to the laywer that you talk to.Be sure to tell the lawyer this stuff, too. With respect to visitation... if you had made plans with the prospective adoptive couple to have visitation and contact with your child, then this is another thing to bring up with the lawyer. I would, too. I wish you had not gone through any of that. Again, I really hope you can find some support for yourself. It may also help to get some books on emotional abuse and manipulation to fully understand the kind of influence he had over you, and how to recognize and stop it if he or someone else tries to manipulate you in the future. Books and articles on "gaslighting," "emotional blackmail" and "psychological manipulation" might be helpful to you. Please be kind to yourself in all this. It is not your fault. My heart goes out to you.
angela7914
I found out he had previously got another woman pregnant... The other girl he got pregnant apparently lost the baby about the same time I got pregnant. So he obviously wasn't sterile.
I considered terminating the pregnancy but he talked me into an adoption instead.
He admitted in open court to willfully deceiving myself and the couple.
He had retained an attorney even before he met with the parents. the baby got to stay with the family until the decision. We just knew as he rarely came to see me gave no financial support for the last 6 months. Plus his anger management issue in the hospital that the adoption was safe.
I feel set up
I did forget to mention that bdad was arrested the day of our child's birth for kidnapping aggravated assault and carrying concealed weapon where prohibited. They declined to prosecute but I am still trying to get a restraining order against him. He scared me to death. Well his attorney is calling an evidentiary hearing now I have no clue how to fill out and file the needed subpoenas. I will contact one of these places that does pro bono work and hope they can help me. I just wish bdad would have just told me the truth from the start we would not be here we would be enjoying sharing our babygirl together.
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