Any advice?

I would leave it to him to decide how to handle his mom, but can he talk with her and reassure her that you will not replace her? Or explain to her that he is a grown man and has a right to form relationships with anyone he chooses? What if he were to arrange for the two of you to meet? Maybe by getting to know each other, it would make you feel less threatening to her. I have been able through my semi-open adoption to send letters to my son's parents, so they have gotten to know me over the years. Maybe this could be another option (assuming your son is OK with it), in that you could send a letter letting them know that you respect their roles as his parents and are not trying to take their place in any way, but just want a chance to get to know the person you brought into the world. I hope things work out for you.

Take it from someone who knows...don't get between your son and his amom. Yes it will seem like childish behavior to you, but I am sure that to her it is just her protecting her place in his life. If you meddle in their relationship it will more than likely come back at you in way that you don't like...trust me on this one...I have been there done that and it sucks!

As an adoptee I would not want my 2 mothers to to discuss reunion without me. I think all you can do is suport your son and let him know that you feel bad his other mom is having such and hard time with this and how it must make it difficult for him. I agree with the others, stay out of his realtionship with his amom. It could get very complicated as I am assuming that on some level he does love his amom and does want a realtionship with you also. So if amom is giving off bad vibs about thereuion and about you it is only causing him more confusion and angst. Try to take the higher ground..as hard as that may be! I know for me it would have been horribly difficult if I had to deal with the insecurities of my mothers, as much as I had symphthy for their positions I did NOT want to be the go between unless I was sure they could treat each other with total respect for my sake. My mothers never met. They have both passed away. And to be honest, I don't think that at thae time that my reunion was going on I don't beleive it would have been good for them to have met. I think my bmom would have been able to handle better then my amom...as much as I loved and still love her she was also very sensitive sometimes. As much as she supported ME in my meeting my mom I am not sure she could have handled HER meeting my other mom. So it didn't happen. My bmom did meet my dad and it went fine. My dad aslo encouraged me to go to her services when she died and loaned me the money to fly down. I think your son needs to do what he needs to do and if amom is not suporting him then he needs to just accept it. She may have a change of heart.

Hi, Quantum...My son's parents were very involved in our reunion in the beginning stages. He had just turned 18 years old and was a very young 18 at that. So it was good for all of us, IMO, to really get to know each other. I tried very hard for the most part to show his mom and dad that I wasn't trying to take their place. There were some uncomfortable moments in the beginning while we were getting to know each other and discover how we all fit into the puzzle. On the whole, his parents and I were very respectful of each other. It was a bit harder on his mom than his dad, though. So I always made sure that I referred to her as his mom, and I refused to let our son triangulate between us. She felt more relaxed and at ease with me as time went on and she got to know me better. We had some wonderful, healing conversations back in those years.My situation was different than your's, though, Quantum. My kiddo was a troubled young man with a serious drug addiction when I met him. So it was imperative that his parents and I kept the lines of communication open...that we made sure we were onboard together. It was necessary for our son's sake. We had to ensure that we weren't enabling his addiction. It made him angry at me at times in the beginning...he was no longer able to snow his parents after I came into the picture. I knew quite a lot about drug addiction and how to treat it, and he wasn't too happy when Mom and Dad stopped giving into him and enabling him.The anger was short-lived, however. He's been clean and sober now for over 14 years, and he often talks about how grateful he is that we were all unified in our efforts to help him during his drug-using years and early recovery.I've always tried to encourage DS in his relationship with his parents. I've noticed over the years that he seems to enjoy it when I ask him how they're doing and what they're up to. I always call them Mom and Dad when speaking to him. I think he's relieved when I talk positively about his folks because he doesn't have to deal with conflicting loyalties. And I know they do the same thing ~ often when we're speaking on the phone, he tells me that they've asked about me recently and tell him to give me their regards. I feel really good about that...it was so very important to me all those years ago that nobody feel threatened in any way. And we all put a lot of work and energy into forming relationships.With your son's mom, my suggestion is to give her some time. I think it'll take a bit more time before she becomes comfortable with your place in DS's life. Time will take care of it, as long as everybody is treated with respect. Sorry I went on so long...you know me, I write tomes at time, lol. :loveyou:

Quantum - no words of advice from me. Just support.

Thanks all, I HAD posted a response here, I thought! But it either got lost in cyberspace or I spaced out and shut the window without posting Sheesh. I'm going to play it like I have been and do nothing really. I give DS my support, and let HIM call the shots. Thank goodness his stepmom is so lovely and supportive! I'm just sad that his mom makes it hard for him. Nothing I can do though!

I agree with the others, let your son and his amom handle it. If he needs you he will let you know.