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I would like some advice from those of you who have "been there done that" on adopting a child they have had as a foster child.
I will give you some background on us first My DH and I have been blessed with a wonderful 17 year old son and we have been married for almost 20 years. Last year we decided to become foster parents, to open our home to children that needed a lovng secure home until RU or if they were TPR adopting them. We had decided we would be committed to them for however long God allowed them to be with us.
"Princess"and "pumpkin"were placed with us 15 mos ago at the age of 10 mos and 23 mos old, we have a finalization date on their adoption on Nov 25.:cheer: The girls were placed originally as a temp situation but things changed and parents couldnt/didnt work on their case plan, there was no visitation from either bio except 1hr visit from bmom after 6mos in care and I thought Princess being 2 1/2 years old would remember her but didnt, she ran right past her to the CW she remembered and asked for mama (me) the whole visit. Bmom stayed out of the picture (not working on caseplan) and didnt stay in contact w/ the CW she and Bdad for pumpkin resurfaced for tpr mediation. We intro ourselves to them and let them know that the girls were doing well and however things turned out we would always be there for the girls and that we loved them. We had another hearing and the bparents approached us and asked us if they were to relinquish rights were we 100% sure we would adopt them, and of course we were. They made the hardest decision ever by putting their childrens needs first and decided to let them be in the stable home they were in with the only"Mommy and Daddy" they know.:cheer: TPR was granted and we agreed to keep them updated with pics on their bdays and Christmas, we gave them our phone # and PO Box and have sent them some pics already.Again the only contact with bfamily since they came into our home (15 mos ago)has been 1 hr w/ bmom and 1hr w/ bmoms father.
My question to you is how did you handle the adoption aspect of this, I know without these wonderful people we wouldnt be blessed by these 2 sweet girls. We are the only family they know(for now),so when and how do you talk to them about adoption. Part of me feels like they dont know anything but us and I want them to be raised just like a raised my bs but I know they are a part of them but I dont want it to come out by accident( say we run into a member of Bfamily) and it be a surprise but I also dont want them to grow up feeling any different than my bs did because their isnt any difference between my 3 kids.
Please give me some advice, the only person I know who was adopted was a bil that was adopted in a closed adoption 45 years ago and knew he wanted to find his bmom and made it his mission(he has 3 adopted siblings). Of course pumpkin and pricess case is different I have and will always have info on their family unlike my bil and his advice is based on a different time where adoption is concerned. I want to be mommy to these girls and not have them wonder about their other mommy until they are old enough or if its already brought up while they are younger than maybe its not such a big deal because they will grow up knowing we chose them. ?????? HELP!!!!!!
I appreciate your help and you have been invaluable this last year with your advice and posts.:thanks:
3blessingsandmore
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Our daughter came to us at four months... we adopted her last week.The big difference here is that she saw her birth parents up until finalization and will see them periodically from here forward. We think she deserves to know her past at an age appropriate level throughout her life. In our case, we also think that it is in her best interest to maintain some sort of relationship with her birthparents. I would not think this is appropriate will all of the children we have fostered. But, for her we believe it is. If we change our minds on that.... off to court we will go to fight for what we think is best.What it comes down to for us is that we would rather that our daughter know her birthparents and know why they couldn't raise her than for her to fantasize or wonder about it all her life (which she may still do a little bit anyway!)I don't know if this helps our not... just my two cents.Our future son... will not see his birthfamily on any regular schedule as we don't believe it is appropriate in his case. But, we do plan to keep some very distant level of contact (pictures and updates from a p.o. box as a pp mentioned) and at an age when it is appropriate and we feel he's ready, we will help him search them out if he wishes to do so.
athikers
Our future son... will not see his birthfamily on any regular schedule as we don't believe it is appropriate in his case. But, we do plan to keep some very distant level of contact (pictures and updates from a p.o. box as a pp mentioned) and at an age when it is appropriate and we feel he's ready, we will help him search them out if he wishes to do so.
Please be open with your kids.
Or to be more blunt - why would you lie to them about it? What is there to hide? Adoption is who they are - it is their history - their birth family is a part of their history. It is who your kids are. Don't try to make them into something that they are not, especially through a lie. Lying to your kids about adoption will only cause harm. If you are not honest and they find out - and inevitably they always find out, they will be devastated. It will harm your children's self-esteem and it will seriously harm their ability to trust you about anything.
Adoption is not shameful or "less than" in any way. Adopting is different than having a biological child - please celebrate the difference, celebrate the adoption, celebrate your children and the blessing they are to your family - however they came.
Our son went into foster care at four months, arrived at our house at 11 months and we adopted just last year on National Adoption Day (usually the Friday before Thanksgiving).
We talk about adoption. We have a bedtime story about how we bacame a family - it includes his birthmom and his first foster mom and his caseworker and everyone else who loves him and always ends with "and the Judge said You're Adopted! and that's how we became a family."
We read stories about adoption and foster care or which include families who have adopted.
Right now my son is three and if I ask him what does "adoption" mean, he will reply, "You love me forever." "Yep, honey, I will love you forever." The hugs I get after that exchange are precious and unlike other hugs I get from him. I'm not sure that he understands what adoption means - but I know he understands that I love how he came to us and I love him. I couldn't ask for more.
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This is why I ask you all for advice, I always felt that the bfamily would be a part of their lives but I didnt know how open to be with them and at what age, everything I have read in previous posts indicates to be open and talk with them about bfamily openly.
I never felt adoption is something to be ashamed of, I just wanted to know how others approached this when there has not been any contact with the bfamily.
Before I found this forum my thoughts on adoption was that it would be more beneficial for the children to not know thay were adopted until they were old enough to understand but you have really opened my eyes, my concerns have always been what would be best for my children, thanks to all who are helping me with this.
3blessingsandmore
I think they should be young enough that there was never an age that they DIDN'T know they were adopted. Our kids will celebrate their adoption day... the day they joined OUR family and their birthday... the day they joined their first family. Honestly, we hope to make it "not a big deal"... just part of them as a pp stated. There will be no "moment" where we sit them down and tell them, it will just be woven into their lives. As I said, we don't plan to have ongoing visitation for our son... but he will always "know" he's adopted and who his first family was.
There are some great books out there for foster/adopt kids. Books for parents and books to read to your kids. My son loves Todd Parr's "The Family Book" or "The Adoption Book" . We also love "Oh Happy Adoption Day" "Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born" "Maybe Days" and "A Mother for Choco".
Also for parents I would recommend "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew"
Good Luck