Needing Help with the Birth MOM

Older child adoption is so hard because the children have already established, many times, an independent relationship with the first parent. A lot of that is already out of your hands...OTOH, it sounds as if first mother is stepping out of bounds a bit by telling the kids what they can and can't do regarding contact. As hard as it would be, I would enlist social services and the children's therapist (I hope they have one) to sit down with both of us and make it very, very clear to her that "open" adoption does not mean coparenting. She has no more right to tell these boys to call her than a stranger off the street. It is just as inappropriate. She needs to understand that she can't just tell them what they can and can't do and, if they ask her, she needs to automatically, without editorializing, refer them back to you. Hopefully the cw will support you in this by backing you up and making it clear that now that TPR has happened, neither the agency nor you has any obligation to her. You and your husband are the sole parents. It's a really, really hard concept for a first parent to grasp, but it's the foundation you need. Time with no contact between TPR and finalization can be helpful for children, even older children. It gives them the time and emotional distance they need to defuse conflicted loyalties and settle in. Sometimes time beyond that period. You say she is "not really a bad mom," but you don't relate why she lost the children. Not complying with a case plan is not the reason she had a case plan in the first place. What I'm trying to get around to saying is that words like "good" and "bad" really get in the way of doing what's right for the kids. I have found it really, really helpful to throw away words like "good" and "bad"--no one wants to be judged bad, many of us are uncomfortable saying someone is "bad" and it doesn't do the children any good for their self-images to say their parents are "bad." The first parents' sympathy card is hard to put aside, too: compassion and their desperate need/insistence on their "goodness" (and therefore "innocence" and therefore denial of the reality of what actually happened) leads us to forgive or let go, but sense should lead us to not forget. Throwing away judgmental words--positive and negative--brings everything down to brass tacks--what happened to the children, what were the effects on the children, what needs to happen for the children now. You can never go wrong for the adults in a situation if you keep your eye on what the children need for safety, security, nurturing, healing, and thriving. That doesn't always mean removing all stressors, sometimes they need to learn to deal with them, but sometimes, at some ages and stages of development, it does. The point is, it is not compassionate or supportive of an adult to enable a first parent to continue harming their child, even unintentionally. All that said, I dunno specifically what you should do. I struggle with what our girl needs from her first parents, what they're capable of giving, what they claim to want, etc. It's really hard. We have been in a long-term limbo between TPR and adoption, so you'd think we'd have it figured out, but not yet. My next thoughts are to (1) get back in therapy with her and (2) try to avail myself of the services and support of resources like the Anne E. Casey Foundation. If you're like us, more and more I'm coming to think that we've spent the past year building that firm foundation of who is the parent, who is not, giving the child the time she needs, etc. It may be time for some shifting forward into more relationship. It will probably be an ever-changing situation, so I don't want to tie myself in to any promises, especially not forever ones. The day may come when dd does not want updates sent--she has a right to her privacy and the integrity of her personhood--so I am not even making promises there. When I say something will happen, I always say, "for now, I can...." making it clear that it might change. I guess that's all I have to offer. Not much, I'm sorry. The main thing is to keep the focus on the kids--everything else good falls out of that. Good luck in your family situation.

Hadley, you give fabulous advice!BonSue, I think the important thing here is that YOU need to set boundaries with the kids' bmom. It's up to you now to say, "I'm the mom now, and I make the rules. And the rules say that the 9 year old may not call any time: he needs to stick to the call schedule." It's also okay for you to say to bmom, "I'm not comfortable with you attending our church. I need for contact between you and the kids to happen at a private place where we can deal more appropriately with some of the feelings seeing you brings up for them."I have found that 9 times out of 10, when I state my wishes very clearly to people, they comply. You need to make your rules and your wishes EXTREMELY clear to everyone.

It sounds as if some serious mediation needs to take place. I recently went through this to set up the Post Adoptive Agreement with my little ones' bio mom. The way mine is set up is that she can call me 4 times per year (max.) to find out how child is doing. There will be 3 visits a year (place, who can be there and length all determined by me). We both will send current pics 1 time per year. We both will keep current contact info available (I use a p.o. box for this). This is set up so that if, at any time in the future I deem that a continued relationship is not in the best interest of my child that it will cease. If she wants to take me to court she has to go through mediation again first. It is also set up so that if we do end up in court that I will win, hands down.

We have a contact agreement similiar to Withay's. However, ours will be tougher in court only because of the state we live in (or so I've been told). But, we are her parents and the court will only leave the contact in place if it really IS in Pixie's best interest over time.Like Withay, we are very much in control of how/when/if the visits take place. We hope they will and think that visitation provides the best opportunity for our daughter to have a clear understanding about her birth history and subsequent adoption. But,we have many protections in place to make sure it is a healthy interaction for everyone.

We don't have open adoption in MO. This is strictly a openess on our part. We are doing this because the 15 year old really really worries about his mom. He wanted to go home and take care of her. That is the only reason why we did that. He would worry way too much if we cut total ties with her. I told her birthdays and christmas, but I feel like she is expecting more than that. I don't want to create any false hope for the first mom or the 15 year old.

It sounds like the 15 year old has always had to take care of mom and probably his younger siblings as well. He deserves the opportunity to just be a kid and not have to worry about physically or emotionally supporting his first mom. The more contact he has with the birthmom (calling whenever he or she wants) the more that dependant relationship will continue to be a burden to him and the less healing will have a chance to take place. I'd set up some boundaries with the older son as well. There needs to be some sort of distance or disconnect in order for him to let go of that role of being her support. I'd create a definate timetable of when calls can be made, how long they will last, wether that contact will be monitored (it may need to be) and what rules will be in affect to keep the conversation healthy. If everyone knows the structure and boundaries upfront then there is less need for stressing and worrying when/if they will talk again. You need to stress to your 15 year old that you know he loves his first mother and always will but the relationship they have is co-dependant and for his sake and his mothers there needs to be strict rules to help change that relationship into one that is healthy for both of them. You may even consider bringing him to counceling for this, and maybe even include the councelor in the phone calls or visits with the birthmother. So you can have help in developing this relationship.

You are excatly right He does take care of first mom and his siblings. He has trouble letting me and my husband be the parents here. He has done that for so long, it can't let it go. He even tried to tell my 19 year old what to do. He needs it though. haha He is way more mature than my oldest one is. I wish he would take a few lessons from his younger brother. I am going to call the cousler today and see if she can help us with all this. She does know a few people that has done this, so I am hoping she can connect us. Thanks for all your advice it has been really helpfu. You have been a blessing. BonSue