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Hi, I'm new here and I am looking for advice/perspective on a strained relationship that I have with my adoptive mother. There were many issues over the years that led up to the latest and final straw.
My adoptive mother and her biological daughter were having a conversation one day over my sisters life choices. The conversation became heated and escalated to the point that they were discussing children. My sister, her daughter, told my adoptive mother that she didn't want to have children until her thirties (my amother is dying to be a grandmother) and that she may just adopt instead (mind you my sister is only 23). My adoptive mother responded by telling her she shouldn't adopt based on the principal that intelligent people should reproduce based on genetics blah blah blah (my adoptive family are all college educated, I am not).
I was deeply offended and within days of my sister relaying the conversation I emailed my adoptive mother and told her how this made me feel. She completely denied it. However, several months had passed and I was having a conversation with my brother (her biological son) and he told me that she indeed had made the comment. So, she will admit this to her son, yet she refuses to acknowledge it to me, the person who's feelings were hurt.
I've been accused of not expressing my feelings, by her in particular, (I will admit that I dislike confrontation) but when I do she puts her own spin on the situation to try to make me feel bad (it doesn't have the same effect as it once did). She also becomes extremely defensive.
Two years ago she gave me two adoption books for a Xmas present. Does anyone else find this odd? It made me feel uncomfortable and once again I sat within my own inner silence. My husband and I have been self employed for 16 years and recently sold our commercial building and decided to move out of state. During the process she openly criticized our decision (even when I told her that I didn't want to hear it). Her criticism has only alienated me from sharing anything significant in regards to my life.
She tends to bring up things from the past and some of those subjects I am sensitive to. I was placed in foster care when I was 6 years old which resulted in a great deal of emotional turmoil for me. I willing admit that I wasn't the easiest child to raise (bedwetting, sleep walking, difficulty eating meals, lying, poor grades, ditching school on a few occassions, shoplifting, running away, etc.). As an adult I realize that I was in desperate need of counseling. Having an unbiased person that I could share my inner most thoughts with may have made my childhood easier. I do not blame my adoptive parents for missing the signs, I just wish that they would realize that it wasn't easy for me either!!
She doesn't want to be judged, yet she judges me. She wants compassion, yet she shows me none. I'm tired of her insensitivity, lack of compassion, and lack of acknowledgement of my feelings. I have not walked in her shoes, nor has she walked in mine. She and I are two totally different people with different beliefs, different views, different personalities, different life choices. This is not about right and wrong (although my entire family is hung up on being right) this about respecting each others individuality, mine especially.
I really don't know where to go from here. On occassion she and I email one another (we are cordial) but I feel like the real issue is being avoided. I'm reluctant to put too much effort forth due to her being so emotionally selfish. I would post her emails here, but I don't know if I should. My husband of nearly 20 years has been extremely supportive of me but he too holds a great deal of annimosity towards her (not only for the way she has treated me but she's been insensitive to him as well).
If anyone can give me their opinion or advice it would be greatly appreciated. I consider myself to be a very open minded individual. ~ Denise
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Thank you very much for your response Kathy, I cried when I read it. I'm happy to hear that your son's amom has come to accept things now after three years (that gives me a little hope too).
What I've come to understand after 15 months without communicating with my amom & afamily is that my amom's fears and insecurities come out as anger and bitterness. There has been so much damage done and so much hurt that our relationship will never be the same. I don't expect that but redefining things is going to take time. From the outset she told me that I "should have waited until (she) died before doing this to (her)".
All other relationships in my (a)family have suffered significantly as well ... to the point where there are none. In a brief conversation with my (a)mom on New Year's Day she asked me if I wanted to say hello to her partner, Sheila. That was awkward because I'm still feeling quite hurt by her after she asked me soon after finding my birth family "How could they love you, they gave you up for adoption?" and then "you always go crazy for new people you meet". I said a cordial Hello.
Having said all that I do not regret finding my birth family at all. I am sad that my amom finds this so difficult but this was something that I had to do. I am glad that my amom and I are communicating again. It's still very early stages and I want things to work out but agree that I won't let myself be walked over or beaten down.
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Hi Denise,
My advice to you as an adoptee who also had a strained relationship with her a-mother is not to take your mother's comments or any other bad behavior towards you personally. From what you've said, she seems to have some issues of her own and doesn't seem to know the right things to say and I can guess this extends as well to others. I would try talking to her, tell her how you feel and make a suggestion of how you'd like things to be.
Someone else mentioned counseling, which is always beneficial but I think your mother really needs it. She needs to be more considerate of your feelings as an adoptee and she should learn to treat you with the same respect and dignity she gives her biological children. I wouldn't give up on your family so quickly, talk it out and give them time, I'm sure they love you and wouldn't want to lose you from their lives,
Good Luck,
Anne
Denise1969
She doesn't want to be judged, yet she judges me. She wants compassion, yet she shows me none. I'm tired of her insensitivity, lack of compassion, and lack of acknowledgement of my feelings. I have not walked in her shoes, nor has she walked in mine. She and I are two totally different people with different beliefs, different views, different personalities, different life choices. This is not about right and wrong (although my entire family is hung up on being right) this about respecting each others' individuality, mine especially.
I don't think so. She has abused me visciously sice my adad died and I have no love for this woman. She hid behind her religion and her martyrdom for years, painting me as the "bad seed".
I don't expect you to understand, but I think it a VERY appropriate response to 20 years of abuse that culminated in the theft of one's ONLY blood relative that you are allowed regular contact with.
Fight or flight, my friend. Anyone would kill to protect their child(ren); anyone would wish harm on the person who harmed their child.
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Hi Denise 1969
This is my first time to the site and I saw your post, which could have been written about my adoptive mother. For decades I've felt that I was the 'freak' and that her behaviour was justified...because (supposedly) I was the 'problem'. Now I've seen your post...and some of the replies and see that others have had to deal with a very insecure, manipulative, woman for a birth mother. I'm just sitting here taking it all in now, and feeling a little relieved. Thank you for your post Denise1969.
:thanks:
I would like to thank all of the people who have recently posted to this thread. I've been busy moving out of state and haven't had the chance to respond. I must say I never imagined that I would receive so many responses which in return has given me great insight, strength, and comfort. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. :thanks:
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Hi, i was sad to read about your experiences with your adopted mother. I too have a very difficult relationship with mine, which has led to me to seek counselling. I recommend this to anyone who has struggled with their adoption, or does not have a good relationship with their parents. I was adopted just before my 3rd birthday, previously i had been in foster care for a year, then adopted by a couple for 6 months, but it didn't work out, then in another foster placement then finally adopted again.Through the counselling i have been given i now realise that i had suffered quite a few separation traumas by the age of 3, most importantly the separation from my birth mother. This did not allow me to bond very well with my adoptive mother and has led to continuous problems with my mum. My childhood was extremely unhappy and there was no mother/daughter kind of relationship atall. She became resentful towards me and ended up emotionally and physically abusing me pretty much every day, until i finally left home at 15. To this day i am still frightened off her, and i'm now 35 years old. She seems to have some kind of power over me that causes me to appease and apologize every time we speak.She had a biological daughter when i was 10, and things became even worse for me after that. my sister got all the love, reassurance, guidance and support that were never given to me. She made an obvious difference between us,which caused quite a rift within the whole family. I have been led to believe,by her, that there is something wrong with me that it's "in the genes", i have been told how useless and pathetic i am over and over and until recently i have always felt that everything has been my fault. This woman has destroyed me, my sense of self and worth, my confidence, she has distorted the way i view the world and people in it. It has caused me huge trust issues which effect every type of relationship i have. Since going to councelling i have had my true feelings validated which has helped me immensely, i have stopped blaming myself, and i am learning ways in which to cope with what my mum has done to me. The yearning and longing for her or just to have a mum never goes away, i dont know if it ever will, but i am getting stronger, them more i begin to learn and understand about adoption and about myself. Sorry for ranting on, i suppose it's good in a way to know i'm not the only one that got a **** deal. None of it is your fault, it is your right to have your feelings acknowledged and understood. Your adoptive mother has a duty of care towards you until the day she dies, and she has absolutely no right to make you feel bad or less about anything. you deserve to be loved, respected and understood especially by the woman who wanted you to satisfy her own needs, you had no choice in the matter. Good luck xxx
At various times thru my life my relationship with both my adopted parents has been strained. Don't get me wrong, I loved them dearly, cried buckets when I buried them, and do miss my mom. They both had thier good points, and there were good memories. Towards the last ten years of my moms life I would say we had a great relationship, although she would never acknowledge out loud the things she did, she just stopped doing them and made an effort to make it up to me.
But they were fairly crappy parents growing up. They were unhappy in the marriage and that got taken out on me and my brother (he is thier biological child, so adoption wasnt the issue), even after the divorce they continued to battle throwing us in the middle. They were both selfish, self-centered, controlling, very sensitive. There have been periods where I wasn't speaking to one or the other. While my strained relationship with both was not a result of my adoption, it was an extra issue that sometimes added fuel to the fire. Any mention of wanting to know more about myself set off a guilt trip from them. And I will be honest, as a teen I sometimes used it as a way to hurt them back.
Growing up, I didn't realize my little brother suffered too, I always thought they loved him more since he was the miracle biological child that she was told she would never have, and they spoiled him like crazy, so I never noticed that my mom was hypercritical of him too. It wasn't something I was awre of until he bacame an adult. Years later, I would find out that I was actually her favorite and that she was harder on me because she had higher hopes for me, wanted me to be more independant and tougher than she was. When I asked why she was so much easier on my brother she said it was because she always saw him as being like my dad, not very bright or talented, he needed her more while I was smarter and more independant. Go figure.
Denise, I read your post and like many of us, we are caught up in change -- and we begin to see the light.I can share my own experience in the hope that it will provide some comparison.I am a male adoptee. Through the years I tried to balance being perfect, taking care of other people, and being resourceful in my care taking responsibilities. I had no time to have what I wanted, i was assigned care taking for other adults. After all, I was 2nd class and an outsider.My fathers 2nd wife never forgot that she had gone to a leading university. As a result, she knew it all. I was adopted, suspect, and tainted. Anything I did was never good enough.As an adoptee, I wanted to be allowed to be a part of my a-family. I worked hard. I was certain that if I was allowed to become a family member it would wash away all my sins -- although I didn't know what those were. I only knew I needed to be perfect.There was ongoing abuse at every level. The word of adults was law. It was a different era.As I grew older I didn't want to be a slave forever. I wanted a better life and I knew no one would help. I would have to create it.When my a-father died, he extracted what became a death bed promise that I would take care of my a-mother. The person that had created so much abuse.In the years that followed in spite of putting myself through school, I took care of my a-mother and 2 sibs.It was never enough. No one was grateful. They only took. In the end there was nothing more to give, they had gotten it all.I called them together. Indicated I was leaving, and they were not to call me. Healing had begun. I wrote my story and from that i gained strength to fight the demons in my head and the a-family i had been tied to for so long.Now, I have gotten a divorce from my a-family. There is no abuse. I am an equal with my peers. They dont know my story, and I don't share.My only help for you is to stand your ground. Believe that the feelings you have are honest in terms of the way you feel, and im not sure there's much else that matters.I wish you the best.
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wow drywall, i admire your strength. I know that feeling of trying to be the perfect child in hopes of earning my place in the family. I was expected to be everyone's rock to lean on both emotionally and physically with my own needs coming last. In my family I don't think on thier end they treated me this way because I was adopted, i showed strength and independence at a young age, neither of them were strong so they used me, i think in my parents case they would have used me the same if i had been biologically thiers. but part of the problem was i let them, for a long time, because as an adoptee, i didn't want to be abandoned again, they might have been a ****ty family but they were the only ****ty family i had. until i was about 9, i thought they could actually give me back. i got almost perfect grades, helped around the house, did as i was told, took care of my brother, partly out of fear of the belt (this was the 70s, you could get the belt just for breathing wrong and it was acceptable)and partly because i needed them to keep loving me, the child that wasnt thiers. Again, my parents would have done this regardless of whether i was biologically thiers, i was the eldest child, but had i not known i was adopted, i may not have been so docile. having a younger brother who was a bio-kid only made me more worried that i had to be perfect, and i was convinced he was treated better because he was thiers.
years later, my dad and stepmom adopted a baby girl and pops spoiled her way more than he did my brother. i realized then that my dad hadn't favored my brother because he was his by nature, or even because he was a boy, dad just tends to favor the baby of the family.
I do believe though, that there are a lot of children who are treated poorly in thier families because they are adopted. my heart goes out to all of you that have been in this situation.
Hey Jlynn,My story is very long and convoluted so I won't bore you because you have been thru many of the same experiences.Adoption is a life long sentence. There is no reprieve, and even b-moms who have re-united have indicated finding their children does not wash away the adoption.I was 38 when my a-mom died. Its hard to express how much relief there was. I no longer had the burden of caring for her and my 2 sibling brothers. I was free at last. I could have some life for me.However, even with that, healing has come slowly and at a price. What lurks in my head as a child with no roots, will remain there.What is helpful now is that I am an equal with friends and neighbors. They don't know my story.All of us have difficulties in our pathways, some of us more than others. What matters now is that we have been able to live in peace and not allow those beginnings to dominate our lives.I wish you the best