Is it safe for my wife to contact her Birth-mother?

Hi! Welcome to the forums. I'm a birthmother who relinquished in 1985. It's impossible to know how your wife's mom would react but let me share my feelings with you!. I relinquished my son via a closed adoption. I would have been THRILLED and I mean THRILLED to have him contact me. As it was, even though I led to beleive when I relinquished that I wasn't allowed to, I contacted him. We have a pretty good reunion going on and he's glad I made the effort, he probably would have eventually, but being a young man, these things take time! OK! Now back to you guys. As far as I know it is completely legal for her to contact her bio-mom. It is impossible to know how her bio-mom will react. She could be waiting for her daughter to find her, she could have buried it deep deep deep and not be ready to face her decision. She could have even not told anyone in her life, so it's kinda scary to face this 'secret'. Some agencies will try to find out medical history on behalf of an adoptee for free. A lot of people think it is the adoptee's right to have their medical history. Do you have any contact information for her bio-mom? HOW to contact is tricky. Something written gives the bio-mom a chance to digest the information and decide how to proceed, but if it's something like an email, you never know if it's a current one. I used the agency I placed with as a go-between. A phone call might just be too much too handle. As to wasting her time and if it would be a mistake, I really highly doubt it. I think if your wife is prepared for the fact that her bio-mom might not be ready for or able to handle a reunion, then it's worth persuing. There are so many possible positive outcomes to this! For the first, medical and family history. Your wife could have more contact with her genetic family history. I know my son was extremely interested in where my family came from. It could be a healing experience for her bio-mom as well. I know I finally got some peace and have finally been able to deal with the pain and grief involved with relinquishing. I can recommend that you read 'The Girls Who Went Away' as well. That is a collection of stories of moms who relinquished in the closed adoption era. That might help you guys prepare for any response you might get. Please feel free to throw any more questions at us! And please please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes! Personally I'm a curious creature...:-) Wish you all the best.

Is it legal to contact her bio-mother? I cannot think of any reason why it wouldn't be. Will her bio-mother be mad if she contacts her? It is a possibility, but she could also be thrilled, shocked, elated, terrified, and just about any other emotion. It is also possible, and likely, that she will feel different emotions at the same time, and sometimes these emotions will be opposing, like feeling happy and sad at the same time, or excited and angry. Reunion brings out all sorts of buried feelings, not only for the bmom, but the adoptee as well. Is it possible to find out family history? If the adoption was handled through an agency, they may have family/medical history. What would be the best way to contact her? This is hard to say. I have a semi-open adoption with my son and we communicate through an agency intermediary, so I've never been faced with this issue. Is she wasting her time? I don't think anything is really ever a waste of time. Would it be a mistake? I don't think anything is really ever a mistake, either. I would caution, however, to not go into this with any expectations. What is your wife wanting out of this? Is it just to know family and medical history, to let her bmom know she's alive and well, to possibly meet one day and have a relationship?? I would get clear on what my reasons were for contact, but then try to let go of the expectation. Her bmom might be on the same page, and then again, she might not. It's OK for people to have different needs/desires, but often it feels like a rejection or terrible let-down when one party wants contact and the other does not or is not ready. Reunion is often described as a roller-coaster and emotions will come up that will blindside you. I highly recommend reading as much as possible on adoption reunion. Someone here (I think Jackie) posted some guidelines for reunion. I don't know where that was found, but maybe she, or someone else, can provide the link. If there is a triad support group in your area, I would encourage your wife to attend. Many others have been through this and can give her a better idea of what to expect.

Thank you Quantum! I really appreciate your advice. I will talk things over with my wife and see what she wants to do. I just want to help her in whatever she decides. I know she wants to find her pretty bad as she stayed up till 5am searching online for her and my wife normally goes to bed by 11pm!She does know some info. She knows where she was born, knows her Bio-mom's first and last name (and maiden name) and she's pretty sure she found a recent obituary for her bio-mom's adoptive dad. (yeah her mom was adopted too aparently)... According to the obitiuary she read, her bio-mom still lives where she was born, but searching for an address or phone number only turns up results for cities near by...I will try to pick up the book you talked about. She was born in 1982 in Ohio... I'm not sure how much info to put out here, but I guess I could start by posting in the ohio boards right?Thanks again!

Hey JustPeachy! Thanks so much for your advice. you make some good points and I will try to talk to my wife a bit more about those things to see just how ready she really is... although she did stay up until 5am last night trying to find info online... She's a morning person... lol so it's pretty serious I think... Thanks again!

Sounds to me like she's ready. :-)