In defense of adoptive parents

Boy, does this ever resonate...Looks like insensitive people are everywhere! Haha

TxMom65 (((( TxMom65 )))) Sounds like the old "you made your bed lie in it" crapolio. I'm so sorry someone hurt you with their thoughtlessness. You know, I read this editorial once where this guy said he wanted to be armed with a "stupid gun". He would aim it at some offending moron and then he'd fire, and Whammo!! The person would find an "I'm stupider than mud" sticker stuck permanently to their forehead!! Thoughtless people.... Lovemy2Boys is right....just like cars on the freeway...we're friggin surrounded by them aren't we? Of course you get tired. Who wouldn't? And of the person who said this to you? I wonder what corner of the guilt-market they're speaking from. :arrow: Sigh....of course....on the "stupider than mud" sticker thingy: Sooner or later I'm afraid I'd probably be wearing one of those myself. Then again, I wonder if the world would be a better place if we all had to wear "I'm stupider than mud" stickers stuck to us to remind us that we're all equal. Ah well....I'm off to take my daughter to see "Twilight". Apparently it's the big thing right now. And apparently, according to her, I will probably enjoy it - even though I'm old (her words not mine) LOL!

Janey, around my household, we refer to the "stupid" tax. As in whenever we see a moron on the news, we say, "he has to pay the stupid tax!" If the person is especially stupid, we say that he should go jail for being an ****. If we put all them in jail, though, there would be no room for the criminals...

Janey and Raven: My favorite stupid line is "Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're just abusing the privilege". I think I'll have them printed on business cards and start passing them out... :arrow:

I love that quote. I've got to remember it.

We've only just begun our wait, but I've already gotten some doozies very similar to this! And it kills me because these are people who know everything DH and I have been through just trying to be parents! I can't say, "DH and I took two long naps this weekend!" without hearing, "You can kiss those goodbye! Your life will turn upside down when a baby is in the picture..." (usually followed with a know-it-all smirk. I'm 40 years old. I spent 3 years of physical and emotional pain trying to conceive. After healing from that, we pulled ourselves up by our boot straps and got licensed to foster/adopt with the state. We got a "low risk" (NEVER believe that term!) infant placement. We had him for 3 weeks and his maternal aunt came forward to claim him. That was a good thing for him, but none the less painful for us. So, we saved our money as best we could and now we are hoping that through domestic adoption we will finally get to be parents. Do these people really think that I give a rat's a$$ about missing out on my weekend naps? I fully expect to hear "well you wanted this..." and I'm going to be so ready for it. That person, and hopefully everyone in earshot, will be so very sorry they opened their mouth. These are the same people who would tell me to just "relax" and "stop trying so hard" and maybe I will get pregnant. As if I was somehow responsible. I'm tired of giving these careless remarks a "pass". Thanks for starting this thread!

I just wanted to say that adoptive parents don't always own stupid comments like this! I had my first daughter at the age of 36 and my next one 2 years later. Our thoughts being, I'm getting older, risks of the baby not being healthy increase and so on... I don't DARE complain about being tired, or how hard it is to have two toddlers, or anything. My parents are SO quick to jump into the 'you made your bed...blah blah' lines.:hissy: I think it's so unfair for you guys to get these lines as well... YES you chose to adopt (so often it was the only choice you had) but that doesn't mean you're any LESS tired, or that it's any easier! Good grief. btw, my ex-husband always used to call the lottery the 'stupid tax'.

Please don't take this as bashing or being negative, but when I read about any new parent (bio or adoptive) having to go back to work 6 wks after their new child's arrival, it makes me soooooo glad to be Canadian. Here, biomoms get 50 wks of leave (12 maternity, the rest parental) and adoptive parents qualify for the 38 wks of parental leave...which can be split btwn the parents (bio or adoptive) if desired. It honestly breaks my heart when I hear of any parent HAVING to go back to work 6-8 wks after welcoming a child into the family. Yes, our leave only pays out about 55% of your income, but at least that's easier to manage financially than nothing. I wish every country had similar leave policies in place. I honestly think that many/most if not all families would benefit with having the option of being home most of the first year.

Interestingly enough, I just had a similiar conversation with my Second Bcuz the other night. The conversation started out about something else, but ended up being about how she would love to meet my aparents to thank them for such a wonderful job that they did raising me, ect...how they were able to raise me so much better then I would have been raised in the biofam, ect, ect, ect. That she thinks that they are just wonderful people and they have to be such great people because I turned out soooo good, ect, ect, ect. You know, even though it is true that they did do a good job of raising me, and yes it was a much better life then my bmom would have provided for me based on the way she chose to live her life, my life was NOT perfect! My aparents were not perfect, but in the eyes of my bcuz, they were....because I turned out sooo good. I kept telling her that my parents were good parents, but not perfect...and it was almost like she couldn't comprehend that they would be "regular folks" with issues, problems, things that weren't right, ect.....so as I was reading this thread, I think that she grew up hearing about how I was placed for adoption (It was not a secret in my bmoms family...she talked about it) and how it was for me to have a better life, ect...so I think she was conditioned by society to believe that my aparents did indeed walk on water. That I had the perfect life because I was adopted, ect, ect.... The thing that I think people don't grasp when they start putting those demands on aparents, it puts that demand on the adoptee too. If an adoptee grows up hearing/feeling/noticing the idea that their parents need to be perfect, then what does that say about them?!? Do they need to be perfect too? Do they need to agree that they had the perfect life?? For some, I do think that the views people/society places on the adoptive family, creates an environment in which perfection is sought after. I know I had a VERY VERY hard time, and still do, saying that my life wasn't perfect...that my dad wasn't perfect. How can I? Wasn't I suppose to have the perfect life...and if I didn't, and say it...then what does that say about adoption?! It can really get quite confusing and multi-layered. Yes, I think adoption was the best for me. Yes, my parents loved me. Yes, I would choose to be adopted if I had a choice in the matter, even in hind sight....but I can't say that everything was easy, or without hurt and pain, or any of the other things that were "guarenteed" that us adoptees would experience....but I was given a family, that like many other families in our world (be it adoptive or biological) had/has problems, has/had issues, has/had things that shouldnt' have happened...but also had/has love!!! Parents, regardless of how they became one, are ALL on equal ground..they are all called to the same duty, to shape the life of the child(ren) in their care.......

Interestingly enough, I just had a similiar conversation with my Second Bcuz the other night. The conversation started out about something else, but ended up being about how she would love to meet my aparents to thank them for such a wonderful job that they did raising me, ect...how they were able to raise me so much better then I would have been raised in the biofam, ect, ect, ect. That she thinks that they are just wonderful people and they have to be such great people because I turned out soooo good, ect, ect, ect. You know, even though it is true that they did do a good job of raising me, and yes it was a much better life then my bmom would have provided for me based on the way she chose to live her life, my life was NOT perfect! My aparents were not perfect, but in the eyes of my bcuz, they were....because I turned out sooo good. I kept telling her that my parents were good parents, but not perfect...and it was almost like she couldn't comprehend that they would be "regular folks" with issues, problems, things that weren't right, ect.....so as I was reading this thread, I think that she grew up hearing about how I was placed for adoption (It was not a secret in my bmoms family...she talked about it) and how it was for me to have a better life, ect...so I think she was conditioned by society to believe that my aparents did indeed walk on water. That I had the perfect life because I was adopted, ect, ect.... The thing that I think people don't grasp when they start putting those demands on aparents, it puts that demand on the adoptee too. If an adoptee grows up hearing/feeling/noticing the idea that their parents need to be perfect, then what does that say about them?!? Do they need to be perfect too? Do they need to agree that they had the perfect life?? For some, I do think that the views people/society places on the adoptive family, creates an environment in which perfection is sought after. I know I had a VERY VERY hard time, and still do, saying that my life wasn't perfect...that my dad wasn't perfect. How can I? Wasn't I suppose to have the perfect life...and if I didn't, and say it...then what does that say about adoption?! It can really get quite confusing and multi-layered. Yes, I think adoption was the best for me. Yes, my parents loved me. Yes, I would choose to be adopted if I had a choice in the matter, even in hind sight....but I can't say that everything was easy, or without hurt and pain, or any of the other things that were "guarenteed" that us adoptees would experience....but I was given a family, that like many other families in our world (be it adoptive or biological) had/has problems, has/had issues, has/had things that shouldnt' have happened...but also had/has love!!! Parents, regardless of how they became one, are ALL on equal ground..they are all called to the same duty, to shape the life of the child(ren) in their care....... Sorry this post was so long and

But you ARE perfect Brockbaby! ;) Seriously though, that's an interesting point. Nobody is perfect and that what makes life interesting and us interesting. Here's a weird thing, my mom has had a bit of communication with my birthson and she said to me 'oh he's such a great person.' And in that conversation sort of saying how well raised he is. It was weird, because she was saying it in such a way that made me question what she meant exactly. It was almost how she compliments me on how I raise my girls, but I didn't raise him. So, was she saying how great a job his aparents did? And so was she complimenting me on the choice I made? or what exactly? Is everyone confused now? I didn't ask her to clarify, it's too painful. I am glad that they did a good job. My son was even blessed to have a stepmom who is just fantastic, she's the only one of his extended family that I've had communication with so far. Not like I had any choice in any of the parents who raised him, but I'm glad that she got him. Melissa Bear- I live in Sweden, all parents get a total of 450 or so parental leave days. All of the adoptions that I know about are foreign adoptions so I don't know if birth parents would be allowed to share in that. Parents get 80% of their wages for most of the time they are taking parental leave. Frankly, I think that this policy has a great deal to do with why there are not so many domestic adoptions. Interesting.

Oh gee, thanks quantum, but then the saying goes, Takes one to know one...so if I'm perfect and you know it..then that makes you perfect too!!! :D All kidding aside, perfectionism is something that I struggle with. I have felt that I needed to be perfect my whole life. There are many layers to that..part of it for me has to do with being adopted, part has to do with the way my dad was, and part of it is because of my natural personality....mix those three together and you get me!!!! I seriously do/did have a hard time saying my life wasn't perfect because, wasn't that the point!??!!?!? I think it is great that Sweden has such wonderful policies in place!!!!! Sweden is a place I've always wanted to visit...my grandma use to always call me her little swedish girl....guess I looked swedish to her! Something you said, about your mom saying that your bson is "such a great person"...and how confusing that comment is is understandable...and then it got me to thinking, who gets credit for how we turn out anyway??? When it comes down to it, I think a lot of it boils down to the personal choices of a person. And YES, I understand that the environment has a part in how children grow up and relate to the world...but I know we can all think of people who have had wonderful, supportive parents that chose to live a life contrary to what they grew up with....instead chosing drugs, bad choices ect. And I know we all know people who had TERRIBLE lives, and they chose to become good, moral people who live a wonderful life.... so while I am not saying parenting doesn't help or hinder us...there is a point in life where the individual takes responsibility on how "great" they are going to be......

I do not see this as bashing at all and I thank you for pointing it out. It is unfair to ALL parents.Hopefully, our new government will put policies in place that protect parents and children. My daughter had no maternity benefits at her job and had to return to full-time work 3 weeks after giving birth to keep her job. At that time, we were hosting the daughter of a friend of mine who lives in France. She was horrified and thinks the US is barbaric. I had to agree with her on this issue.I admire the ethics of adoptive parents who are upfront about the reality of what they can and can't do under our poor benefits system in the US.Happy G'Ma

Brock...thus is so true and something many people don't get. This is the root of the "being grateful" attitudes. Because my aparents were seen as being "saints" "for taking on 4 poor children that were not theirs" and bringing them up. Not only were they suppose to act like saintly parents ALL the time...WE were suppose to be anglecic and heads bowed in thanks! For then to be actually human in their parenting...and let me tell you they were! For us to be human in our childhood was fodder for discussion for others that didn't have a clue. I was brought up in a normal stable but not without problems family. Mom had her issues, dad had his and the rest of us just lived with it. Not sure thats any differnt then any other family but because adoption comes into the picture their are judgements made about the children("welll you know that child is adopted"), there are expectations put on the parents.

Oh boy....have I ever gotten the "you wanted this" statement!!!!While I wasn't a parent yet, I also had several (random stranger) moms comment to me "ugh, anybody want to buy a child?" while in a store or wherever.After a bit I was so disgusted, that one day I put on my best "perky adoptive hopeful" face and gushed about how awesome that would be and how long I've waited to be a parent, and how long would she need the transition to be, and WHAT DOES SHE THINK IS A FAIR PRICE?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAThe look on her face was priceless. I'll never forget it. And her kids were not misbehaving at all, simply being kids. I bet she never made another disparaging comment about her kids being unwanted ever again! It was honestly the best feeling in the world at the time.I also get the "you're a saint" comments, but my dd has special needs that made parenting very difficult. So I always respond with "no not really, she had to do the work of changing, but I am proud of how far she has come".I agree that the pressure is more for aparents who have a 3rd family's expectations to live up to. A family who is virtually strangers, who've placed all their trust in you to do the job they felt they couldn't do or didn't want to do.