Just a hesitation

I would like to know this also. We're looking at open adoption options. The agency is reeeeallllllyyy pushing it and I can see how it would be a good idea in some ways but it has the potential for drawbacks such as this...

I think this is a good question too. I hope to gain insight from the responses. Okay, I am going to sound a little Selfish, so be prepared. Open adoption, I feel, can and does work. Co-parenting with BP can and does work. My personal preference when it becomes my turn to adopt from foster care is NOT have an open adoption or co-parent with BP. I do not want to be subjected to possible sabotage by the BP's. If I tell my child "no", and he/she goes to visit the co-parenting BP and complains about me saying "no", I would probably catch a case if my child decided he could move in with the co-parent/BP and the BP allows it with no discussion. I have seen this happen numerous times. I have had a couple client sit in my office and cry because the BP worked against them instead of with them. Semi-open (cards and pictures a couple times a year) is workable. After the child gets to be a certain age, I would allow the child to receive the letters privately. Well, that is the plan. I would still struggle with that because the fear of BP crossing the line will always be there.

My daughter's birthparents couldn't possibly try to co-parent, they see her four times a year.And, adoptions aren't reversible because a birthparent "wants" to undo it, so that is not really a concern, in fact adoptions are very very difficult to reverse for any reason.

Being unhappy about the way your child is treated, even if you aren't the legal parent and have no legal rights, isn't co-parenting. Nor is wishing the adoption could be dissolved/reversed. I am one of those birth parents in open adoption who is none-to-happy about how my daughter is being raised – and I suppose you could say it surrounds their ‘parenting decisions’ – but in the end, it is not unheard of for adoptive parents to neglect/abuse their children all in the name of parenting decisions – and it is not unheard of for a birth parent to wish upon wish that he or she were in a position to make it stop.There is something, deep down inside of you, that breaks – it hurts worse than a broken heart – its almost as if someone has torn out your soul – when you discover that you have willingly made the choice to place your child in the home of a family who doesn’t seem to love her – or at the very least, refuses to meet her basic needs, to the point of neglect. Heck, I could have done at least that…but I wanted more for her…look what I gave her. You can tell me all day long that it isn’t my fault and I couldn’t have known…but *I* wish that I had legal options. I do. That may scare the heck out of some adoptive parents…but in my case, it’s not co-parenting at all – its PARENTING in its basic form that I want for my daughter – and I wish upon wish that I had a legal way to give that to her…because they aren’t parenting her at all. Because a birth mother or birth parent wishes she could ‘undo’ doesn’t mean she’s doing it to be spiteful. Sometimes, there are real, legitimate and heartbreaking reasons. Besides – every decision – even the bad, abusive and neglectful ones – are ‘parenting decisions’ and I disagree, wholeheartedly, with a ‘parenting decision’ that is tantamount to neglect and maybe even in some courts, actual abuse. Just do a lot of research and talk to a lot of people – open adoption isn’t bad, if open adoption is done right. The bad can and does come from all sides – in my case, I have worked very hard to be respectful of our relationship – only to discover (two years ago almost) that my daughter is being neglected to the point of abuse. She is being emotionally eviscerated…Any self-respecting adult, regardless of their relationship to the child, should want to do *something*.

I don't think that open adoption equals co parenting, and I doubt that anyone really feels that way about their open adoptions. Having an opinion about their child wouldn't be co parenting, just means they might not agree with everything. They don't have to agree obviously, but any human is going to have feelings one way or another about something, especially their child. (Whether legally their child or not) I'm a firm believer in less openess when it comes to foster adoption. Does it work for some? Of course it does. I personally would not want an open adoption with my kids bparents though. And yes, in the beginning that was all because of my selfish reasons. I was mom and that was that. Psssshhh on those two that couldn't and didn't deserve to keep their children because of their actions. It's been 6 years now and I've mellowed a bit on my feelings towards their bparents. I have learned too that it's not about me and my wants. It's about my kids. My oldest son would run away in fear if I said "Guess who is coming to visit!" and my dd would say "Okay" My younger two would say "Huh?" lol. In time, I suspect we'll open that door, but I do believe it's based on individual situations and it's best to look at it from the child's pov. My selfishness ended up being the right decision, but not for the reasons I thought it was right for. So again...really look at it from the child's pov. I do regret not having ANY open door, that much I'll say. I do wish I had letter contact through a pobox. That really would make a world of difference in so many ways for my dd.

9999.99% of the time, adoptions are irreversible. The only time they can be overturned is if some massive fraud has occurred. So I would not worry about this one ounce--it just does not ever happen. That goes triple for adoptions from foster care, where birthparents' rights are terminated involuntarily. Everyone is VERY, very careful to make sure the law is followed to the letter. So please, don't even let this cross your mind---it's like worrying about dragons or trolls or something, it's so mythical and so unlikely to happen.Open adoptions, on the other hand, happen all the time. Even from foster care. They aren't co-parenting at all. I'm my son's mom, and I make the decisions for him. I don't consult his bmom or his bdad before I make decisions. There are varying degrees of openness, but for us, openness means occasional telephone calls and letters, swapping pictures of my son and his half siblings, and every so often talking to his bgrandma, too. If his mom were living nearby, I'd be fine with the occasional visit. And that is IT. It's not coparenting at all.I really encourage everybody to read the best book about adoption ever, which really explains open adoption and why it is such a good idea for kids. The book is called "Family of Adoption," and it's by Joyce Maguire Pavao. It's a book that just gets rid of all the myths and fears in such a compassionate way that it helps everyone in the adoption triad come together to do what is best for kids. This book is the best ten bucks you will ever spend---it will change you, your children, and your family in so many terrific ways.Here's the Amazon link, if you are interested:[url=http://www.amazon.com/Family-Adoption-Completely-Revised-Updated/dp/0807028274/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1228182231&sr=8-1]Amazon.com: The Family of Adoption: Completely Revised and Updated: Joyce Maguire Pavao: Books[/url]

My Bmom has said things about parenting - she has gotten religious since she got clean (although I'm not sure if she is now) and has talked about Jesus to my son several times... THEN she started talking to me about how he needs to believe and saying that the church we go to is a cult (it's a church that welcomes EVERY religion and background and NOT a cult.)I don't care if my son hears about Jesus but I don't want anything forced on him or her.She would also tell me how I should give him consequences - constantly saying push ups until his arms hurt was the best idea for everything he did.There is no more contact at this time....

It is nearly impossible to overturn an adoption. And no matter how an open adoption plan is written - the power is really in the adoptive parents' hands. If the birth parent crosses the line - the adoptive parent can cut them off. Typically there are several loopholes written into every open adoption plan that make it easier to cut birth parents off. (i.e. miss one visit - plan is void) Every case is different. We adopted from foster care. We have an open adoption with my son's birthmom and visit with her twice per year. So far it is going well. We have had successful visits. She has never questioned my parenting - even when he fell head first into pond while two feet away from me (getting wet was the only damage).